Democratic Sentinel, Volume 20, Number 48, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 December 1896 — SHEAR NONSENSE [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SHEAR NONSENSE

She sweetly bears the burdens That'd kill man were they his; Yet she ties quite all to pieces If her hair gets out of friz. —Judge. Howso—l can doiny best 'Work when it is hot. Cumso-WYhat a great future you have before you!—Life. She—What do you think of those cigars I bought for your birthday? He— I don’t think—l try to forget them.— London Pick-Me-Up. Judge—What is the charge against this prisoner? Policeman—He stole a wheel, your honor. Judge—What make? —Philadelphia North American. She—Do you suppose his wife really supports him? He—l judge so. He told me he didn’t know what real happiness meant until after he got married.— Puck. Louise—The bishop looked rather cross, didn’t he? Isabel—Well, no wonder; every one of the bridesmaids had on bigger sleeves than he had—TitBits. “Hello, gloves.” said Jack to Tommie and Sammie. “Whatcher call us gloves for ! asked Tommie. “Because you are a pair of kids,” said Jack.—Harper's Bazar. Winks—Bo you believe in hypnotism? Binks—Of course I do. Don't you see this necktie that the clerk induced my wife to buy the other day ?—Somerville Journal. “I tell you, these little vacation trips do a fellow an immense amount of good.” “So they do; I feel braced up enough to bluff every creditor I have.” —Chicago Record. First Bicyclist—lsn't the scenery striking along the Bryn Mawr road? Second Bicyclist—Yes; I have arnica plasters on the places it struck me.— Philadelphia Press. “I tell you,” cried the author, “I’m going to rise in this world.” The editor eyed him doubtfully for five second* and then asked: “Balloon or elevator?" —Atlanta Constitution. Miss Daisy Medders (coyly)—Do yon love me, Jason? Jason HuckleberryCourse I love you! Do you s’pose I’d have been actin'' the fool over you all this time if 1 didn’t?—Truth. “Doesn’t it strike you- that the tern--perature ®f this room is rather high?" “There isn't any doubt about It,” replied the frugal young man. “Every ton of coal eosts SB.’ r —Washington Star. There’s the bicycle face, and the bicycle back, With its qtwer, altitndinoua-curve; And the bicycle tongse, in the middl* hung. And the scorcher’s-bicycle nerve. —lndianapolis-Journal. Bacon—Did you know there were over 735,013,500,(i00 different whist bands-in a pack of cards?- Egbert—Yes; my wife tells me about each one nearly every time we play.—Yonkers Statesman. “Bilker, you-ought to be ashamed towear such good clothes when you owe me so much money.” “Not you'ought tobe proud to lend'money to-a man who wears s-uch good clothes,”—Chicago Record. “Country’s gone to the dogs; no hope for it!” “Too bad! Just had an election, haven’t you?” “Yes.” “Well, wasn’t it; a fair one?" “Oh; yes! But I was Beat, sli—plum beat I’—Atlanta. 1 ’—Atlanta. Constitution. “You. don’t make allowances for our boy,” said the fond mother. “That shows how little we are appreciated,”' said her husband, as he finished drawing a cheek, “f don't do muek else.”— Washington Star: Sageman—That waiter’s-hand always reminds me of a, race horse shortly after the Beginning of a race. Seeker— And for what reason, pray? Sageman. —Because it’s on the quarter stretch.— Boston. Courier: “There were a aouple of fellows in thehotel last night" who shouldn’t be permitted 1 to- travel alone.” ' “What did they do? Blow out the gas?” “No*, they blew out the safe- dooc.”—Cleveland Plain Dealer. She—Dear me, Why don't they teach ohoruses to sing intelligibly? It is so aggravating to be unable to distinguish the words. He —You don’t know your tack. I have read the libretto.—lndianapolis Journal. “Yes;” said the tenderfoot, as he sailed rapidly through the air; “I know I am an ungraceful rider: But,” and he commenced disengaging himself from the cacti, “I don't need any points on alighting.”—Pu ck. Summer Guest—The mosquitoes were terribly had last night. Look at ray face. Jersey Landlord (reassuringly)— Oh, there’s no mosquitoes here, sir—none worth mentioning. Them’s bugs. —New York Weekly. Plugwinch —“I understand that Lameduck has several marriageable daughters.” Samjones— “U’m—he had til) lately.” Plugwinch—“Oh! then they are married.” Sain Jones—“No; he failed last year.”—Puck. “You are the sunshine of my life,” he murmured. And at that instant her father burst into the room with the remark: “Young man, do you know the sun will be up in a few minutes?”— Philadelphia North American.