Democratic Sentinel, Volume 20, Number 45, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 November 1896 — SHEAR NONSENSE [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SHEAR NONSENSE

The girl stood on' the burning deck, But her loss we need not grieve; She did not perish with the wreck— She had sense enough to leave. —Chicago Record. He—“My life without you will be a lonely one.” The Heiress—“ But think how busy you will have to be.”—Life. He—“ Have you any reason for doubting what I say?” She—“ Yes, I have.” He—“ What is it?” She—“l don’t believe you.”—Puck. “It’s all over.” As the woman uttered these w’ords she dropped to the floor. The baby had spilled the West Union Gazette. •* “Is Miss Cahoots in?” inquired the caller. “That depinds on you. Are yez Mlsther Jones?” said Bridget. “Yes.” “She gon’ out.”—Harper’s Bazar. “Let’s -go shopping to-day, Tess.” “I can’t, Bess; I’ve lots of things ,to buy to-day. I’ve nothing to do to-mor-row; I’ll go then.”—New York Sun. Sunday school teacher—“ What is the leading doctrine of Christianity?” The laundryman “Kid throw stone smashee glass—no can catchee— forgivum.”—Puck. “What office are you after this time?” “None at all.” “Then, what are you running for?” “Because I don’t want to be conspicuous!”—Atlanta Constitution. Canny—"ls Miss Wilbur at home?” Norah—“No, sorr.” Canny—“ Well —go upstairs and ask her when she Will be at home.” Norah (going)—“Yls, sorr.” —Harper’s Bazar. “Jokey is in hard luck?” “What’s the matter? 1 ’ “He has lost that last year’s crop of foot-ball jokes which he intended working off on his editor.”— Philadelphia North American. • “What in thunder are you speakin’.to the school children for?” asked the voter. "Just keep quiet;” replied the candidate, “they’ll all be old enough to vote before I’m elected.”—Atlant* Constitution. Wicks—“l heard a pretty compliment to Hamlin, the actor, to-day. S<?ueesicks says lie possesses the art which conceals art.” Hicks—“ That’s a fact. You’d never know he had any.”—Boston Transcript. “There is a pleasure in the pathless wood—” Wrote Byron, and these simple words reveal. Although the poet nature understood, He didn’t know a thing about a wheel. —Chicago Record. “There doesn’t seem to be much of/a demand for seats to this performance,” said the star. “No,” said the manager, as he ran over a bundle of dead-head applications; “nothing but requests.”— Washington Star. Miss Keedick—“Ethel can’t be after money. She has broken her engagement with that wealthy ice man.” Miss Fosdick—“Don’t be too sure. She jilted him for a man who owns a bicycle repairing shop.”—Life. Scene: A cottage of Loch Awe-side.— Lady tourist (to the cottager’s wife)— “And are these three nice little boys all your own. Mrs. McFarlan?” Mrs. McFarlane—“Yiss, mem; but him in the middle’s a lassie?’—Household Words. “Hadn’t you better call anbther physician?” said the wife to the young doctor who was treating her husband. “Just for consultation, you know.” “No, ma’am,” he replied. “My ideas are confused enough already.”—Buffalo Times. “I am writing a play fail to be a great success,” said Foyer to his friend. “What is its chief feature?” “In the last act. the comedian who has perpetrated all the chestnuts dies a miserable death.”—Pittsburg Chronicle. “Papa,” said Jackey, “would you like to have me give you a perfectly beautiful Christmas present?” “Yes, Indeed.” “Then now is the time to double my allowance, so’s I’ll have the money to buy it when Christmas comes.”—Harper’s Bazar. “Why, Tommie, back from school already?” “Yes. Mike wouldn’t let me stay.” “Av course not,” said Mike. “Yez towld me to tank Tommie down to th’ school, ma’am, but yez didn’t say nothin’ about lavin’ the bye there.” —Harper’s Bazar. “The trouble with so many of the young men of this day and age,” remarked old Uncle Sagely, comparing his watch with the noon whistle, “is that they think there is a patent on work, and they are afraid or getting into trouble If they use it.”—Puck. Smurbs—Say, old man, ean I talk to you for a moment? Crurbs (dejectedly) —What Is it? Smurbs—Can you. logo me a fiver? Cturtjs (joyously)—Certainly, old Boy. 1 thought you were going to explain the political muddle to me.—New York Herald. Mrs. Farmer— Why don’t you, take a bath once in a while? Flowery Fields —Out uv respect ter me mother. Her dyin’ words ter me wuz: “Hang yer clo’es on a hickery limb an’ don’t go near de water;” an’ 1 never have.— Judge. “What's this?” the sultan shouted. “Do they propose to interfere with my killing a few people whenever I feel like it?” “That seems to be the idea, sire," said his prime minister. “Humph. I’ll circumvent their impudence.” “In what way, sire?” “I’ll abdicate and get a job running a trolley car in Brooklyn.”—Washington Star.