Democratic Sentinel, Volume 20, Number 38, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 September 1896 — Page 5

CARLISLE ON THE GOLD CONSPIRACY

The Money Combination Denounced in 1878 as the Most Gigantic Crime Ever Known.

I shall not enter into an examination of the causes which have combined to depreciate the relative value of silver and to appreciate the value of gold since 1873, but T am one of those who believe that

they are transient and temporary in their nature, and that when they have passed •way or have been removed by the separate or united actions of the nations most deeply interested in the subject, the old

WILL SILVER BENEFIT LABOR?

If prices of commodities are cheap they cannot be produced with dear labor. Cheap commodities mean cheap labor. But it is said that all labor in some of the manufacturing and railroad Industries of the country is as high to-day as ever. This is not trut\ But suppose It were true, it would not answer the questions. The trade unions have been remarkably successful in resisting reduction of wages, but they have utterly failed in keeping the people employed. There are at least three millions of willing hands which are now idle in the United States. Those who have employment are either working on short hours or short days in the week, so that the aggregate paid in the manufacturing and railroad Industries to labor is certainly less than one-half the amount that would be paid to labor If prices were firm, so that enterprise could prosper. If falling prices continue it is only a question of time when wages of labor must come down to correspond with other things. This is not •11. One-half at least of the labor in the United States is expended on farms, which has paid the farmers nothing in the last twenty-three years. Their farms are not worth 50 cents on the dollar what they were when silver was demonetized, and they are still declining. Farm products have so declined that they are on an average below the cost of production. The people have borrowed money to pay taxes and other necessary expenses until the farms are mortgaged and tenant farmers are increasing in a geometrical ratio, and it is only a question of a short time If prices continue to fall when independent farmers must disappear aad the peasant system of Euroupe must be established here. We assert without fear of contradiction that labor is not receiving one-half as much in the United States to-day as it would under free coinage. We admit that an individual who has a job that will last him for life, of which he cannot be deprived by his employer or by the bankruptcy of the concern for which he works, can buy more with his dollar than he could if silver was remonetized and prices should regain their normal condition. But if he is a humane man, and contributes his money to the suffering people about him, fte will find that what he receives will do him and his family less good than it would if the country was prosperous and the great mass of la’#or was employed. . We know •the goldites appeal to laboring men who have a job and tell them that they can buy more with their money than if

prices were restored, and the community generally were allowed to prosper, but they do not call attention to the millions out of employment and the growing army of tramps or the bankrupt farmers, who are being driven from their homes. In short, they fail to call attention to the fact that civilizatlon is decaying on account of the increasing purchasing power of money. They do not suggest to the laborers that the fate which has befallen others will certainly overtake them, that want of employment will drive them into the ranks of the. tramps or the unemployed. f They do not appeal to labor in good faith. They attempt to appeal to the prejudices of the laboring men for the benefit of one hundred and fifty thousand millions of obligations which they hold against labor. In other words, they appeal to the laboring men to vote to increase the value of money, decrease the value of property and labor, a,nd enslave mankind. Contraction which produces falling prices if continued will bring result it always has. Serfdom and slavery is the inevitable fate of the American people if they do not join the forces of reform and rebel against goldocracy.— Silver Knight. / ,1 To Friends of Bimetallism. ‘The political campaign now in progress and the election to be heM on the 3d day of next November involve the most important economic and Industrial question ever presented for the consideration of the American people. It is whether the present gold standard, with a continued fall of prices, greater business stagnation, and intensified suffering among the poor, shall be maintained, or silver be restored to its former right of unrestricted coinage, thus establishing the bimetallic monetary standard guaranteed by the constitution, and upon which our people lived and prospered from the foundation of the republic down to the year 1873. , It is a question freighted with momentous consequences to humanity, and one which should be carefully studied by every voter before he casts his ballot. “This is a struggle between the ‘money power’ on the one hand and the great army of toilers and producers on the other. The former is determined, if possible, to maintain the existing gold standard, believing that its constant rise in value gives an advantage to: those whose .wealth; is chiefly in the

ratio of actual and relative value will be re-established on a firmer foundation than ever. I know that the world’s stock of precious metals is none too large, and I see no reason to apprehend that it will ever become so. Mankind will be fortunate, indeed, if the annual pioduction of gold and silver coin shall keep pace with the annual increase of population, commerce and industry. According to my view of the subject the conspiracy which seems to have been formed here and in Europe to destroy by legislation and otherwise from three-sevenths to one-half of the metallic money of the world is the most gigantic crime of this or any other age. The consummation of such a scheme would ultimately entail more misery upon the human race than all the wars, pestilence and famine that have ever occurred in the history of the world. The absolute and instantaneous destruction of half the movable property of the world, including horses, ships, railroads and all other appliances for carrying commerce, while it would be felt more sensibly at the moment, would not produce anything like the prolonged distress and disorganization of society that must inevitably result from the permanent annihilation of onehalf of the metallic money of the world. JOHN G. CARLISLE. Feb. 21, 1878.

form of money and money obligations. With a very few exceptions the great newspapers of the country are directly or indirectly controlled by the moneyed classes and wedded to the Interests of wealth. No fortunate and favored class ever yet voluntarily surrendered any advantages enjoyed by it—political, social or financial. “Every reform originates with and is consummated by those who suffer from the conditions complained of. “The people chiefly Injured by the existing monetary system are those engaged in productive Industry and those who are burdened with debt. Appreciating money means that the producer must content himself with fewer and fewer dollars for the same work, while the debtor must turn over more and more of the product of his labor to satisfy the demands of his creditor. As production is at the foundation of all other Industry, and a very large proportion of the world’s business is done on credit, it should be apparent that a general and continuous fall of prices strikes at the very root of all human prosperity. “This is the grave and vital question now before us—the one great issue of the presidential campaign. The voter who neglects to study It well falls In his duty to himself, to his country and to his fellow man.' “By far the best method of diffusing education upon this subject Is through the medium of clubs and leagues or unions. Such organizations bring the voters together in and enable them to collectively obtain at nominal rates the very best literature extant This In turn leads to discussions, not only by speakers from the platform but between Individuals. As a result the chaff is separated from the solid grain, the essential and material matter is sifted out of a great mass that really does not touch the essence of the question at all. The great contest Is now on, and it can only be settled at the pels. To the end that the decision may be right, the American Bimetallic Union strongly urges the formation of silver clubs and leagues in every State, county, city, town and school district in the Union. “To all Interested in the cause we say, ‘organize, and we will assist you to the best of our ability.’ Our means are limited and the wealth of the country is arrayed almost solidly against us, but we will aid m the work of organization and education to the utmost of our ability. Such literature as can be furnished free we will provide gratuitously, and all that necessarily involves expense will be provided at cost In every legitimate way we will assist la disseminating correct information upon this subject, the correct solution of which means so much to the people of our common country. For detailed in structions as to the plan of organization, application should be made to the main office at 134 Monroe street, Chicago, 111., or to the branch office, Sun building, Washington, D. C.” A. J. WARNER, President American Bimetallic Union. GEO. E. BOWEN, Secretary.

Free Coinage for Foreigners. An act approved Jan. 29, 1874, and still in force, says: “It shall be lawful for coinage to be executed at the mints of the United States, for any foreign countries applying for the same, according to the legally prescribed standard and devices of such countries as the Secretary of the Treasury may prescribe, and the charge for the same shall be equal to the expense thereof; including labor, material and use of machinery, to be fixed by the Director of the Mint, with the approval of the Secretary of the Treasury. Provided the manufacture of such coin shall not interfere with the required coinage of the United States.” What we think of a law which opens the mints to the silver and gold of all other countries, while they are closed against the silver of our own people, is that the law of 1874 is in exact line with the law of 1873; both are un-Amer-ican and should be reversed. The mints should be operated in the interests of the United States and hot of foreign countries.—Cleveland Plain Dealer. A “Gigantic Conspiracy.” The fact that most railroad presidents and directors are in favor of the maintenance of the single gold standard, which has caused all the business wreck and misfortune through which the country is now passing, has led to the belief that there is a gigantic conspiracy on hand to wreck most of the railroads of the country and reorganize them on Wall street under the direction of Pierpont Morgan. It is said that nearly al the railroads which have been forced into bankruptcy during the last few years have been reorganized by him and with money furnished by him. Mr. Morgan is the American agent of the Rothschilds of Europe, and it is believed that, having supreme control of the money interests of the world, this money power is now reach-

Ing out to organize the railroad systen. of the world, to aid in further controlling the destiny and welfare of the people.—Columbus (Ohio) Post. Downfall in Land Values. Within recent memory landed property stood highest as a money security. It was made the basis of banking and insurance. Now the farmer is anxious to abandon his land and the money lender refuses to look at a security on a farm. The base of national wealth is in a state of decay and dissolution. If thlstoontinues what must happen to the superstructure? The farming interests have been attacked In every way. Extravagant expenses of Government have increased enormously the burden of direct taxation. The national currency has been contracted for the benefit of capital, and the farmer deprived of money at the very time that more was exacted from him. The result Is that the farmer Is much in the condition of a rat in an exhausted receiver, in a bottle with the air pumped out. Unless it can be shown that the disturbance of monetary condition, the fall in prices of products, the depreciation of land, the embarrassing burden of debt, which have gradually but surely followed the demonetization of one of the monetary metals, have been produced by that act, why should not the country demand the restoration of silver to its old-time office of a part of the constitutional currency ? Herkimej Democrat.

“Businesa Men.” In common with millions of our fellow citizens, we contend that when the money question is considered from s “business" standpoint (and that is the standpoint from which it should be con sldered) every business should have fair play and an impartial hearing, and that no few special callings should ar rogate to themselves the right to be considered the only "business” wortl) figuring in the premises, and the only ones which have within them Intelligence enough to say how our monetary systems shall be formed or of what oui money shall consist The gold handle! and those who agree with him may de mand gold exclusively, but other men engaged in different pursuits, whose business is crippled by adhering to the gold standard, have just as much right and better reason for demanding a broader and less monopolistic system, one which will give them a better showing, and, in their opinion, the country more prosperity.—Wilmington (N. C.) Star. Silver Has Not Fallen. Silver, notwithstanding its degradation by law and its mistreatment by thq secretaries of the treasury, has stilj maintained its old relation to property and commodities. Silver bullion has not fallen in relation to anything else but gold. Gold, on the contrary, has lost its former relation to all other things. This is shown by the following practical Illustration: The sliver In a silver dollar in 1873 was worth as much as the gold in a gold dollar, and eactj would have exchanged for a like number of products. This was because they were both standard legal-tender money, and each had equal privileges at the mint Now the silver In a silver dollar will exchange for as much wheat or anything else but gold as It would In 1873, but the gold in a gold dollar will exchange for twice as much of everything as It then would. It must be, therefore, that gold has risen in Its relation to all other things, and silver has not fallen.—Columbus (Ohio) Press.

Waiting on Britain. Toward restoring an honest measure of value we must do nothing until we have the co-operation of Great Britain, of a nation ruled by the creditor classes, who have reaped undue profit from the ever-appreciating standard from which we have suffered; for has not this unjust measure of value obliged us to pour into their laps two bushels of wheat and two pounds of cotton where they were entitled to but one? Until these creditor classes become gorged with unearned gains, until they become conscience-stricken with defrauding their debtors, we must submit to their exactions, permit them to roughly trample upon justice, equity and our rights, and humbly accept at their hands without one word of protest a measure of value that grows in length from day to day, and which enables them to subtly increase the burden of all debts to their profit and our gre£( injury.—The American. In 1878. To undertake to do the business of the world on a single gold basis of measurement and equivalents means loss, bankruptcy, poverty, suffering and despair, debts will grow larger, and taxes become more onerous. The farmer will receive small prices for his crops, labor will be forced down, down, down, and there will be a long series of strikes, lockouts and a suspension of productions. Those who own property but owe for it in part, will see their mortgage increasing in proportion as gold acquires the purchasing power, while the property itself will be shrinking in value. There will be no relief, it must be kept in mind, for gold will be the only recognized equivalent of values, the stock of gold with its power will be constantly growing and the-clr cle of wealth will be uniformly contracting.—Chicago Tribune, Jan. 16, 1878. A Profitable Enterprise. It is a fact that the only profitable enterprise in which our Government ever engaged was the purchase and coinage of silver under the Bland act and the Sherman act. That is the only business in which it has ever made any profit at all, and yet Senator Sherman has the effrontery to get up before an intelligent audience and to deliver a speech which he knew would be published in every newspaper in the country, stating that the Government has already suffered a loss of $145,000,000 and upward on its purchase and coinage of silver under the two acts in question. If he had been honest and truthful he wouldhave said that, instead of suffering a loss, the Government hadrac- 1 tually netted a clean profit of $130,000,000 on its purchase and coinage of silver under these two laws.—Denver Republican. It is not good to be governed by the feelings, for they ebb and flow like the waves of the sea.

BUT IT IS SO THIN THAT THE FIGURE BEHIND IT CAN READILY BE SEEN.

BARTINE TO M’KINLEY.

The Ex-Consreasman Writes a Letter Recalling Congressional History. Hon. Wm. McKinley, Canton, Ohio: Dear Sir—You are the Presidential candidate of the Republican party upon a platform unequivocally committing you to the policy of maintaining the gold standard In this country until bimetallism can be secured by International agreement. As neither you nor the party which you represent offers a suggestion upon which we can ground a hope of obtaining such an agreement, the financial plank of the platform upon which you stand must Unregarded as a declaration In favor of pern&petftly adhering to the present gold system. In your letter of acceptance you treat the money question as the foremost Issue, and discuss It at considerable length, giving to the present monetary policy of the Republican party your unqualified indorsement. It Is scarcely necessary for me to remind you that by such course you have assumed a position quite different from the one you occupied but a comparatively short time ago. That ve.ry able men may and do honestly change their opinions upon questions of wisdom and expediency, no fair-minded person will deny; that when they do so change their opinions. It Is both their privilege and their duty to shape their actions accordingly is beyond all controversy. But where the subject involves moral considerations, where It Is simply a question of right and wrong, of honesty and dishonesty, the same principle cannot apply and the same latitude of change cannot be allowed. It is this distinction that has prompted me to address you through the medium of an open letter. No one can read your published acceptance without being Impressed that you regard the maintaining of the gold standard not merely as a wise and judicious policy, but as absolutely essential to the preservation of our “financial honor.” You assert that the free coinage of silver at the ratio of 10 to 1 would at once lead to the “debasement” of our currency to the level of a “53cent dollar, •npairlng the obligations of existing contracts,” and bringing a long train of terrible calamities In Its wake. Throughout your entire discussion of the question, the germinal Idea Is that parity with gold Is the Infallible test of honesty In money, and that any currency cheaper than gold at Its present appreciated value Is, of necessity, dishonest. You are certainly aware that the campaign committee of the Republican party Is literally flooding the country with books, papers ana pamphlets, In which it Is broadly declared that the financial issue, as now made, Is simply a question of “honest money” vs. “dishonest money.” There Is no reason to doubt that you are In perfect and harmonious accord with your committee. Hence the conclusion comes irresistibly that you regard the advocates of unrestricted silver coinage as being deficient In personal Integrity, and as seeking to establish a monetary policy that will dishonor the American name. Being one of those whose personal integrity Is thus Impugned, I make freft to remind you that In the year 1878, as a member of the House of Representatives, you voted for the famous “Bliid bill,” providing for the unrestricted coinage of silver at the ratio of 16 to 1. At that time the commercial value of the bullion which you voted to coin into a dollar was a little more than 90 cents. It had been much lower, but at the time your vote was cast It had risen considerably as a result of political agitation and prospective free coinage. You will also remember, I am sure, that the Bland bill was at the time denounced as “repudiation” and “rank dishonesty” by many of (the prominent financiers who are now giving you their earnest support. In view of these facts, would you regard It as Impertinent for me to request a public statement of your opinion as to whether or not the Bland bill was a “dishonest” measure, calculated to “debase” our currency and “dishonor” the country? If you answer in the affirmative. In justice to yourself you should Inform the country why you voted for It. If your answer be In the negative. It should be supplemented by an explanation of how an act that was honest In 1878 can be dishonest In 1896. It Is true that the vote in question was cast eighteen years ago, but even then you were old enough to know the difference between sight and wrong. It Is also true that silver Was not at that time so far below the gold level as it is now; but in this connection you will allow me to suggest that there is no difference whatever In principle, nor even In degree, so far as the question of dishonesty Is concerned. Petty -larceny Involves the same moral obliquity as grand larceny. If It Is dishonest to coin 53 cents’ worth ot'sllver Into a dollar. It Is equally dishonest to coin 93 cents' worth Into a dollar. But neither of these explanations is available because of other highly significant circumstances In your Congressional You have probably not forgotten that you were a member of the Fifty-first Congress and a candidate for the Speakership of the House. 1 am very certain that the Republican members of that body from the far West have not forgotten how anxious you were for their support, and how earnestly you reminded them that you had voted for free silver nearly twelve years before. I was one of those Western members. At that time (1889), when silver bullion had fallen to less than 75 cents on the dollar In gold, you certainly never gave any token that in your opinion a law providing for the free coinage of that metal would involve “financial dishonor.” All through the long session of the Fiftyfirst Congress you distinctly recognized the fact that the demonetization of silver was wrong; that the Bland-Allison law was too narrow In Its scope; and that something further must be done toward sliver restoration. Your utterances at the time plainly showed that you were prepared to go any length in that direction. If the Republicans In Congress would only keep you company. You, of course, remember that there was a very earnest demand throughout the country for silver legislation, and that there wan a strong silver sentiment In the House of Representatives; that the Republican side was Itself deeply tinctured with the “free sliver” Idea, and that nearly every member on that Side conceded that some legislation must be had. You will also recall the circumstance that the Republicans In caucus appointed a committee of fifteen to endeavor to frame a bill upon which Republicans could unite. That committee consisted of the eight Republican members of the Coinage Committee, of whom I was one, and seven leading Republicans of the House not members of the Coinage Committee, of whom you were one; so that you and I were, for the time being, colleagues In committee. You will not hesitate to admit that you were one of the most active members of'the committee, and that none was more earnest than you In the effort to formulate a measure which all Republicans, Including those who were strongly for free silver, nilght support. You may not remember all that you said during the debates in that committee, and neither do 1. But there Is one statement made by you that I have never for a moment forgqtten. In emphasizing the necessity of passing a "silver bill,” In substance you said: “We must pass a silver bill; the country demands It; but we must pass it as a party measure. I am prepared to support any bill that we can unite upon. I can accept free coinage, or the ‘Windom bill, or anything else upon which we can agree, but it Is Imperative that we have a silver bill.” I grant that you showed a preference for some measure other than, free coinage, and that after some vacillation you threw' your votelnfavorof what was called the “Windom bill.” I grant further thkt' you may have expressed your willingness to vote for free coluago merely for effect, knowing that the

M’KINLEY PRESENTS HIS LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE

condition laid down was an impossible one, and that the Republicans would never agree upon such a measure. Still, the fact Is that you said it, and there was no inconsistency between that language and your previous record. If a majority of the Republicans had declared In favor of a free coinage bill I have no doubt that you would have kept your word and voted for It. Therefore I ask you the further question: Did you In 1890 regard the free coinage of silver as meaning “financial dishonor,” and consequently dishonesty In those who advocated that policy? If not, the country will no doubt be greatly Interested In reading your elucidation of the ethical difference between free coinage In 1890 and free coinage In 1896. Finally I deem It proper to remind you that up to the very day of your nomination you were not the choice of the extreme gold standard men. They looked upon your past financial record with unqualified disfavor, and the somewhat uncertain language of the Ohio platform, which was supposed to reflect your position, filled them with distrust. In the end, however, you were nominated upon a gold standard platform, and these same men are now your enthusiastic supporters. You have suddenly become as enthusiastic as they iu your devotion to the “gold standard,” which you never failed to attack in Congress when the opportunity presented Itself; for even the "Windom bill h and the “Sherman law," both of which received your vote,, recognized the faet that the gold standard was wrong. Not only this, but you seem to have also apparently abandoned the opinions at a life time on a question of morals and reached the conclusion that the free coinage of silver would be both unwise and dishonest. This change In your attitude Is so extraordinary and so sudden that, feeling as 1 do, the deepest Interest In every phase of the silver question, I address you In this public manner, hoping that you may find It not Incompatible with the dignity of your present position to furnish In the same public manner an explanation that will be satisfactory to both your friends and your opponents. Very respectfully yours, H. F. BARTINE. Chicago. Silver Men Notify Bryan. The continuous welcome which the people of Lincoln and large contingents from other parts of Nebraska gave William J. Bryan on his home coming culminated in a grand demonstration in honor of his formal notification of his nomination for the presidency by the national silver party. Mr. and Mrs. Bryan, George A. Groot, chairman of the notification committee, and Norris Humphrey, of Lincoln, rode together in the midst of the night parade. Men in white duck uniforms, carrying flambeaux, formed a picturesque part of the parade. Nearly, if not quite, 1,000 mounted men were in line, and these, with the sliver-capped organization devoted to the free coinage cause, fired off skyrockets and roman candles as they proceeded. With the arrival of the torchlight procession the crowd gathered about the capitol was Increased tenfold. Norris Humphrey presided at the meeting and introduced George A. Groot, of Ohio, chairman of the notification committee, who spoke. Mr. Bryan was then presented and made a short speech. He said In part: I beg to reply at this time without the formality of a letter. The platform adopter! by the silver party contains but one plank, and that plank—the plank upon the silver question—is identical in substance with the silver plank of the Chicago platform. As I have already discussed that plank at length, it will not be necessary to enter into any extended discussion at this time. I beg to answer the committee that I accept the nomination tendered by them on behalf of the silver party in the spirit in which that nomination was presented. I can appreciate the feeling which animated those who assembled in that convention. I can appreciate the hesitation with which those assembled there turned their backs upon the party with which they had been associated. I know something of the strength of party ties, and because I was in a position where I look-

NONE SO BLIND AS THOSE WHO WILL NOT SEE.

The gold standard pwss is conducting a campaign of education.

ed forward to a possibility of like action on my part I can appreciate the depths of a conviction that led them to place the interests of their country above the welfare of their party. My convictions upon this subject are not shallow convictions. I may be in error—none of us can claim infallibility—but I believe that the gold standard is a conspiracy against the human race. I would no sooner join the ranks of those whose purpose it is to fasten that upon the American people than to enlist in an army that was marching to attack my home and destroy my family. I say, therefore, that I can appreciate the spirit which animated those who have just tendered me this second nomination. I pledge them that if elected they shall never have cause to accuse me of being false to that platform. Letting Out the Truth. The McKinley managers show that they are badly rattled. Mark Hanna's imperative commamT to McKinley to remain off the stump reveals that he recognizes that the Canton man is not capable of discussing the financial question, and that the arguments he would be forced to advance for gold would be likely to make votes for silver. Within the hist few days with one accord the Republican papers have been claiming that the silver sentiment was on the wane. And yet here comes an Interview with Senator Allison, in which he Is made to say that he believes lowa will declare for McKinley in November. As lowa In 1802 gave Harrison a plurality of 22,1X10, even Senator Allison seems to recognize that the free silver sentiment hoe swept away the Republican majority In that State. If he cannot with any enthusiasm figure out a certain victory, It shows that he regards the situation as hopeless. From the Minnesota Republicans also comes a wild appeal for help— meaning cash. Lt Is freely admitted that with the Democrats and Populists united, and with thousands of silver Republicans supporting Bryan, the Republican ticket is doomed to defeat in that State. The Hanna syndicate finds Itself in a desperate fix, and at its w W end. Harrison’s “Dirty Dollars.” Ex-President Harrison, addressing In his speech the “better element,'' which wants to have money scarce and dear, talks contemptuously of more money as "dirty dollars.” It is not so long ago that the same speaker called poor men and poorly dressed men, "cheap men.” He then had no direct purpose to serve In deceiving wage earners, and could afford to sneer at them. But now his mission is to delude and cajole them, and to mislead them,. If iK>ssfble, upon the question of additional coinage. He wants to maku his “cheap man", distrust the “dirty dollar.” He has’ no condemnation for the crooked policy which has made the dollars so dear and scarce, and so hard for the laboring man to get at But the people comprehend this hypocritical and misplaced sympathy. As Mr. Bryan aptly remarked his speech to the railroad employes at Tonawanda, “The great common people do not need any particular class to telt them what they shall do.” Glucose Is the sugar produced from grape juice.

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS OF THE FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Unmistakable Devotion—With the Sum mer Girl—His Exact Condition—The Way She Took It—Lucky to be Allowed That VNMISTAKABI.B DEVOTION. “Do you love me ?” ‘•Haven't 1 told you your bloomers are becoming t" WITH TUB SCM.MKB GIRIS. 'Edith—l know it is said to be so, but there are lots of men Meg—For goodness sake! where? a io NO kidb. Miss Leftover—Yes, I am very fond of the wheel. I have ridden a half-century. Mr. Gettitrong—Really? I didn’t know they had been invented that long. a pm lb search. “Bacberly, why don’t you find some good woman and form a matrimonial alliance?” “What I want in that line is a silent partner, and I've been seeking in vain for the last ten years.” ms ONLY WISH. Young Gusbington—Mr. Grimmer, I love your daughter devotedly, madly! I cannot live without her! I Old Grimmer—Oh, all right All I ask of you is not to stay and die in the house.

WHY SHE TOOK IT. •‘My dear," said Mr, Darley, "did you take any money out of my waistcoat pocket ?" "I did,” replied she, defiantly. “Why did you?" • 'Because that is one of married women’s vested rights.” AS AMENDED. •Teople who live in glass houses,” began Mrs. Tibbetts. •'People who live in glass houses,” Interrupted Mr. Tibbetts, in a man’s dogmatic way, ••should pull down the blinds." HIS BXAOT CONDITION. Tourist (in Oklahoma!—l understand that Polecat Pete barely escaped from the mob last night. Alkali Ike—Wai, not exactly barely be had about half a coat of tar an' feathers on when he got away. ANOTHER SIMILARITY. Ho—As near as I can get at it, the general idea of heaven seems to be a place where it is always summer. She - Yes, and the proportion of men to women will be about as it is at most of the summer resorts. Am I right ? NEW TO THEM. ‘‘There is a joke in your paper this week that I heard at a variety show two seasons ago,” said the disagreeable man. ‘‘What If there is?” said the publisher of the religious weekly. "Our subscribers never goto variety shows." TUB WAY SHB TOOK IT. Mrs. Lovey (proudly)—Yes, Mr. Lovey and I have been married for twenty-five years. And we have yet to make up our first real quarrel. Miss Pert—lsn’t that rather a long time to sulk? LUCKY TO BB ALLOWED THAT. "Pa,” said little Johnny, "what’s a matrimonial bureau?” “Oh," replied pa, "I guess it must be one in which the husband is allowed to put things only in one Corner of the top drawer." THE BUIYCIB’S RETORT. "You may talk about your superiority all you please," said the horse to the bicycle; "butyou can’t go unless somebody rides you." "True!" retorted the machine; "but you never got the girls to wearing bloomers, nor did you originate the New Woman. I did all that”

ONE ON JENNIE. Fannie—“ Where is your wheel?” Jennie—“l loane I it to Dudely Canesucker.” Fannie—“Oh, yes: Dudely did write me to go out with him this afternoon for a spin; I musn't keep him waiting." HIS LOCATION. Able Editor (Hawvllle Clarion) —Did the jury find the prisoner guilty or not guilty ? Texas Ike—Neither. “Dow was that - a hung jury ?” “Nope; a hung prisoner. When they got through deliberatin’ they found him hangin’ by the neck from the windmill back of the jail. We'd got tired waitin’ for 'em to git to a focus.” farm wo nr n’t do. Caller: Say, want a petrified man? Museum Manager: Indeed I do, light fiL “Well, I can do the petrified man act so no one will ever guess It.” “You won’t do. I don't want any fake. I want a genuine, living, petrified man, not an imitation.” “Nobody’ll know the difference.” “I don't want him for exhibition. I want him for cashier." a good reason. Little Johnnie Chaffie has the habit of waking up every night and demanding something to eat. At last his mother said to him: “Look here, Johnnie, I never want you oeat anything in the night." ’ “Well. I don’t think I’d care much to eat anything either in the night if I kept my teeth in a mug of water." GETTING RID OF THE GAS. Torker I.ong (a bore)—l tell you, fellows, that tooth was a terror 1 The dentist says to me, he says: “Now, Mr. Long, you’ve got lots of nerve, and can stand pain as well as the next one, but you’ll have to inhale gas for this tooth!” And I took the gas! Yes, sir, after considerable thought, I decided to take the gas, and An Auditor—Yes, old man, and now you're getting rid of it, aren’t you?

Fine Digestion of Owls.

A Southern California baby burrowing owl, five weeks old, eats half its weight of raw beef at a single meal, and does not suffer in the slightest degree from dyspepsia. It takes three square meals of this size daily,ami even then appears to be hungry at bedtime. An observing physician believes that valuable digestive aids for the human stomach can be extracted from these owls of large appetite, which will be more efficacious possibly than are the pepsin preparations now secured from the internals of pigs. Should this belief be confirmed the market for California owls ought to be considerable, and the demand for the birds might warrant the establishment of owl ranches.