Democratic Sentinel, Volume 20, Number 35, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 September 1896 — The Cream of Current Humor [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

The Cream of Current Humor

When the mercury’s a sprinter ’Twill cool you if yon try To remember how last winter Made the coal-pile fly. •—Chicago Record. “Who was best man at the wedding?* "The bride’s father, if cheerfulness counts for anything.”—Puck. Jaglets—Who invented work, Bill? Raglets—l don’t know, but he ought to have stayed and finished it.—Truth. “Doctor, my wife has insomnia—lies awake mest of the night. What shall I do for her?” “Get home earlier.”—Life. “Does your husband spend much at the races?” “No. George doesn’t draw a very large salary.”—Town Topics. He—Let’s kiss and make up. She— If you kissed me. I’d have to make up all over again, sure enough.—New York Press. Mrs. Sequel—l understand your husband can’t meet Mrs. Equal—l don't beliewbe wants to, especially.—Truth. Customer—l would like to have a nice gown to wear around the house. Sales-man-Size of the house, please?—Philadelphia Record. Dyer—Colonel Kaintuck hasn’t laughed in years. Duer—Why? Dyer—Some one told him his laugh sounded like rippling water.—Town Topics, to “Galnsby is a fellow who ’■•'finderi stands economy.” “That’S what!—ho has just had a composite portrait made pt hig jhree other, wives.’’—l’qcjt,. Block—Riches do not bring happiness, my son. Chipp—Neither does poverty. And riches do not prevent happiness, and poverty does.—Truth. She—The Billingtons have an eightpound boy, and I suppose we ought to send a gift of some sort. He—Why not send Billington a pedometer?—Puck. Nodd—l’ve got to raise one hundred dollars this week. Todd—ls it a case of necessity? Nodd—l should say so. My wife will come back if I don’t.— Truth. Miss Gotham—lt must be awful to be buried alive! Miss Penn (thoughtfully) —Well, I don’t know. I have spent all my life in Philadelphia.—Somerville Journal.

“Clarlbel” is respectfully informed that milk does not come from milkweed, and that pies are not plucked ready grown from the pie plant.—Boston Transcript. Gertie—Where do you get shaved, Freddie? Freddie —On the face—ha! ha! Gertie—Pardon me, Freddie; I mean where do you get shaved on the face?— Roxbury Gazette. Richard—What makes you so sure that she will marry you? Harry—Well, you see, her mother and I have engendered a mortal hatred of each other.— Boston Transcript. “Well, old man, I’ve spent every cent of money I have in the world on my doctor.” “Does he know it?”-“I guess ho does. He has pronounced me a well man.”--Buffalo Courier. Mrs. Kidd—There, now, thank goodness! I’ve sung the baby to sleep. Mr. Kidd—Poor little chap! When he is 25 he won’t dare to go to sleep over a woman’s singing.—Truth. She—For my part I would never forgive a young man who would kiss a girl against her will. He—Nor I; but do you suppose a young man really ever did?—Somerville. Journal. Pip—A lawyer’s highest aim should be to keep his clients out of law. FlipTrue; but the trouble is so many of them are content to take a humbler view of the matter.—Truth. “The butcher offered me his hand this morning,” said the hired girl. “Indeed?” “Yes’m. He tried to sell it to me with the steak, but L made him take it off the scales.”—Cincinnati Enquirer. “What made you return from England so soon?” “The Prince of Wales manifested a disposition to become chummy with me," replied the wealthy but eminently sensible American.— Puck - ■ Mamma—l am inclined to be suspicious of Mr. Smithens. 'Maud—Why, mamma, he always wears a dress suit •when he calls. Mamma—Yes; but it is not always the same one, my child.— Judge.

“Your daughter, sir, is *an angel.” “Maybe; but after you've been married awhile you’ll find she wants considerably more clothes than angels are accustomed to wearing.”—Philadelphia American. * • „x“What are-your politics, jny rngn?” asked the portly visitor of the prisoner behind the bars at the peni^|itiav. f “Well,” replied the latter, hesitatingly,' “J haven't come out for anybody, yet.” —Buffalo. Times. “Don’t you get awfully’ tired, doing nothing all the time?” q,sl*ed thd ybunjf man who thought hijiself interested ic sociology. “Mister,” answered SPerry Patettic, “I git so tired doin’ riothitf dat I can’t do. nothin’ else.”-rGincin-nati Enquirer. Mrs. Hendricks (proudly walking out of the sewing room)—Well, Perry, how do you like my bloomers? Mr. Hendricks— Oh, they do very well; btit, dear me, how much older than usual they make you look.” On the following day a neat package, Intended for the faraway heathen, was forwarded from the Hendricks home.—Cleveland Leader.