Democratic Sentinel, Volume 20, Number 31, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 August 1896 — The Cream of current Humor [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

The Cream of current Humor

1 am placed between two issues. And 1 don’t know which I like. : If 1 go down to the seashore I shall have to pawn my bike. —Chicago Record. Lord Noeount (proudly)—l can traes my descent from William the Conqueror. Cynacus—You have been a long time on the downward path.— Truth. Mabel—And so he had the assurance to demand that you marry him. What did you say? Ethel—l told him the supply was not equal to the demand.— Truth. The deaf man no longer needs To walk the railroad ties; The scorcher finds him on the street And wafts him to the skies. —lndianapolis Journal. Cumso—Well, Johnny, how do yon like your new teacher? Johnny—Not much. She doesn’t know anything. Today she asked me who discovered. America.—Brooklyn Life. “Now, Eleanor, yoti weigh 130 pounds and* the weight gauge on the hammock registers 300 pounds. Where did that other 170 pounds come from?” “From— N-new York, I think.”—Life. “I see the Jacksons have put screens all around sieir piazza.” and I have my opinioja.gif people who are oo stingy that they won’t even'll flies sit on their Record. “Make hay shines” ‘ ' Is advice ofJtqpßi'eedM. “Make love while the moon shines” Is oftener heeded. —Washington Star.

Bloomer—That man Crafty, why, h# doesn’t know enough to come in out of the rain. Gloomor—Yes; but he does know how to hold on to an umbrella.—Philadelphia North American. Miss Keedlck—Did you know that the wealthy Ruth Stopaeloek was married? Miss Fosdick—No; is she? Miss Keedlck—Yes. Miss Fosdick—Now 1 know why people call it the almighty dollar. —Judge. Teacher—Willie, you are to stay in after school and do three extra examples. Willie—What! and get put out of the Scholars’ Union for workin’ overtime? I will, I don’t think!-*Jiueinnatl Enquirer. “But what makes you think that Davvher would make a success as a sign painter?” “He hasn’t the least idea of punctutation, and if he ever spells a word right it is only by accident”— Boston Transcript.

HCjtold he. - he had lost his hearty. As ne gazed in her lovely eyes; But, alas! the cruel umld answered: "Why don't you advertise?” —Up-to-Date. “Miss Fly. is so clever; she can sell women shirt waists that fit every time.” “Pooh! Miss Chipper is more clever still; she can sell them shirt waists that don't fit.”—Chicago Record. Visitor—What makes you so ugly. Tommy? Don’t you love your new baby brother? Tommy (viciously)— Well, I did till somebody came in aud said he looked like me.—Somerville Journal. She—How provoking tills is! I’ve been waiting an hour foarthe tide to get up. He—Yes; but you shouldn't get Impatient. Remember it’s boon out nearly all night.—Woonsocket Reporter.

Smithson—Hollo, Dobson, you are getting stout, aren’t you? DobsonWell, I was getting stout, but since I bought my wheel I have been falling off considerably.—Pittsburg ChronlcloTelegraph. 1 thought her mine—my rival watched Us ride away, then lie Went straight and bought a tandem, and Of course that settled me! —Cleveland Plain Dealer. She—Do you remember. Jack, this day one year ago you offered me your hand and heart and I cruelly refused you? I—l have thought better of It since. He—Urnph! So have I.—New York Herald. Hobson—How do you stand on the currency question. Dobson? ..Dobson— I’m awfully sorry, old man, and I’d be glad to accommodate you, but the fact is, I’m broke.—New York Commercial Advertiser.^* • “So you, enjoy ’belonging to_the Fat Men’s Club?’ “Oh, yes; it'ls'aenghtful.” “What are soirCe/s,6jf .tjhe ploaplifts?” “Why, every fat'man ta covers at once that all thq other men iu the club are fatter than he is.”—Louisville Courf*-JmiW:“, . “Don’t : you nothing all the time?”asked'tpevoting man who thought himself interested in sociology. “Misfer,’’ answered Pfeary PWttetie, “I git iso tttfejd do|W “nothin’ that I can’t .do nothin' else.'—Cincinnati Enquirer. Man with awful toothache meets a friend and tells him his woes. The friend—Ah, I had just as bad a toothache as. you yesterday, and I went home, and my wife pitied me, and kissed me, and made so much of me that the toothache disappeared. You take my tip. The achyue—ls your wife at home now, do you think?—Woonsocket Reporter.