Democratic Sentinel, Volume 20, Number 29, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 July 1896 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS OF THE FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Real Estate Quiet-Precaution—A Modest Photograph—Was Disappointed—-Not Waltzers—He Wanted to Guide. REAL ESTATE QUIET. Eastern Man—“ Anything stirring in teal estate out your way this season ?” Western Man (gloomily)—“No-o, not even a landslide.” precaution. Briggs—Does your wife laugh when you tell her a funny story? Braggs—Oh, yea. I always tell her beforehand that it is funny. A MODEST PHOTOGRAPH. Mrs. Dearborn—Will my feet show? Photographer—Oh, mercy no! Pm not going to make the picture as big as that! THE EXCEPTION TO THE BULE. “I suppose Fred’s letter is about the same silly thing as usual ?” “No, it isn’t; be didn’t mention your name once this time.” WAS DISAPPOINTED. Wigwag—How does the political situation strike you? Harduppe - I’ve been looking for one for the past twenty years, and it hasn’t struck me yet. not waltzv'Rß. Mabel—l understand that there were only square dances at Mrs. Flippit’s small and early. Maude—Yes; there weren’t men enough to go round. A PROSPECT OF RETRIBUTION. First Ball Player—They say this umpire’s goin’ to get married. Second Ball Player—ls he? I hope he’ll know how it is himself not to be let talk back.

HE WANTED TO GLIDE. Odorous Oliver—Oh, dear, I wisht I wuz a snake. Dingy Dick—Gosh! Whaffor? “So’s 1 could move’thout havin’ to git u-V* * NOT SAFE. Miss Huggine—My father is very good at reading faces. Mr. Kissam—Then I had better not print any kisses there. SURPRISED. “Weren’t you surprised when he proposed ?” “No. Why should I be?” “Everybody else was.” DIED AS HE HAD LIVED. Bizley—The ossified man at the dime museum died this morning. Paley—Poor fellow! I suppose he was resigned. Bizley—No, indeed. He died hard. APPROPRIATELY NAMED. Hoax—What is Chisler going to call that statue of his .representing a young man in tears? Joax—He calls it “Crossed in Love.” Hoax—Ob, I see. Chisler cut him out. A MONUMENTAL PUN. Judge—On what grounds do you bring the action ? Lawyer—This man refuses to pay the bill for his wife’s burial. Judge—Um—that’s a grave charge. EXPLAINED. Rydes—Wheeler is bumped-over, I know, but he’s great on the bike. Why, he can ride backward! Walker—Well, he’s only following his bent AN EARLY RISER. Gadzooks—Keen scheme Wiley has for getting up early; isn’t it? Zounds—What’s that? Gadzooks—Eats a yeast-cake every night when he goes to bed. WANTED TO SEE IT WORK. “Let me take the blamed thing home,” said the patient, as the dentist relieved him qf his aching molar; “I want to take it hor»e and poke sugar in it to see it ache!” WORDS FIULY SPOKEN. “Did you hear about that ha ! r-raising story Hone was circulating ?” asked the barbel in Grabenstatter’s. “Djn’t tell it to me," hastily replied the customer. ‘ ‘Keep it for your baldheadeji victims.” ungentlemanly. “Itheems to me,” shouted Uncle Allen Spark) to the fleeing bloomer girl, whose bicycp had given him a severe jolt at a crossing, “you might stop a second or at leastlook around to see whether you’ve knocked anybody down or not That would be the gentlemanly thing to do.” ABSOLUTE PROOF. A recruit, wishing to evade service, was brought up for medical inspection, anc the doctor asked him : ‘Have you any defects ?” I‘Yes, sir; I am short sighted." “How can you prove it ?’’ '“Easily enough, doctor. Do you see tjat nail up yonder in the wall ?” / “Yes.’’ I “Well, I don’t. A SUPERFLUOUS QUESTION. / ‘ ‘These scales, ” said a Dallas druggist, “are adjusted so nicely that you can tell on them the difference between the weight of a blonde hair and a dark hair." “Which hair weighs the less." “The light hair weighs less, Of course.”