Democratic Sentinel, Volume 20, Number 28, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 July 1896 — The Cream of Current Humor [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

The Cream of Current Humor

Though probbtn3 come in grim array To fret us more and more. The leading question of the day Is, “Mister, what's the scoreV” —Wahington Star. Watts—“l wonder what kind of shirts these can be that are advertised for 29 cents?” Potts—“ Married men’s.” —lndianapolis Journal. Callers —“Are the ladies at home?” Bridget (examining their cards) — “Sure, ma'am, it isn’t them that lives here—it’s the McAdamses;”—Life. Tommy—“My pa says It’s a sin to’ swear.” Johnny—“ Huh! I guess your pa never tried to explain politics to your ma.”—Philadelphia North American. , Jim Senn—“Why do they call money the ‘long green?’ ” Joe Cose—"Negatively, I suppose; because without it you are short and blue.”—Philadelphia North American. Everyby—“This rain is a good thin£ for the country, isn’t It?” Neverby—“Oh, I dop’t know about that. Just look at what it's done to my straw hat!”—Roxbury Gazette. “I like summer; my wife is alwaya so gentle and amiable in hot weather.” “So is mine; it must be because all the progressive euchre clubs have: shut down.”—Chicago Record, -fix i,c ... “Them folks from towh didn't stay much of a spell, Uncle Rehb?” went back mad ’cause we didn’t hew no cycle paths an’ ’leetric lights ih ther blackberry patch.”—Chicago Record. Hicks—l saw your poem in the paper last week. I-low did you get your pull with the editor? Wicks—Oh, I didn’t bother the editor, I called upon th£ business manager.—Somerville Journal. Mrs. Snohhs—“How many girls do the Newlles keep?” Mrs. Nobbs—“Only one.” Mrs. Snohbs—“Only one? Good gracious, and I came pretty near calling there yesterday.”—Cleveland Leader. Husband—l expect some friends of mine this evening, and I must go out and buy some cigars. Wife—Why, I thought you bought some for them. “I did, hut I forgot to get any for myself.” —Life. “Dab’s one t’ing shore,” said Uncle Eben, “ ’bout all desher accidents da’a gwineter happen ’long oh de Fohth er July. Dah ain’ noboddy kin say dey didn’ know ’twas loaded.”—Washington Star. The merchant (to his daughter's suitor)—“Now, how are you fixed financially The suitor—“ Well, I have' no debts.” The merchant—“ What a pity! Then I cannot give you my daughter." —Sketch. Mrs. Wallace—Here again, I see. Why don't you settle down to work? Perry Patetie—Ma’am, I would, hut somehow I was always too ambitious to come down to workin’ fer day wages.—Cincinnati Enquirer. Jloratius (the good one)—Pa says If I’m real good he’ll take me to the circus. Thomas (the had one)—Aw, rats. Yer ain’t got no brudders ner doez yer please. Yer de on'y excuse he's got.—Judge. “I am glad to see you looking so much better than when I met you last, Miss Quickstep.” “Why, when was that, Mr. Spoonamore?” “Last Thursday, on the boulevard. You were riding a bicycle.” —Chicago Tribune. “What did the stranger say when you gave him the hill?” Waiter—Such monstrous prices he never saw; we were an abominable gang of thieves. Hotelkeeper—Good! So he didn’t become abusive, then?—Fliegeude Bluetter. Wardpull—l believe it would he a good idea to nominate Bzskpxski. He’s a. mighty good man. Ilecluh—Oh, he’s a good man all right, hut how could we ever get up a campaign yell on such a name as that?—lndianapolis Journal. Mistress (to servant looking fetr a place)—Why don’t you show your book of references? Servant—Because I do not wish to reflect on the character of the employers who change their servautsevery fortnight.—Fliegende Blaetter.

Tyre—-Bilkins and his wife hava bought a bicycle built for two. Rider— Ah! Riding tandem, eh? Tyre—Well; judging from their wobbling performance yesterday, I should say they were just riding at random.—Philadelphia North American. “Here comes that Miss Flighty with her loud skirt. The hateful yjkpjgf” "I don’t see anytiillhg llfid WA&ut? her skirt.” “Heavens! Can’t you hear that rustle?” “Christmas!' iwiM felWOglO extra, for a rustle ism skirt like that.”San Francisco WflV’e. M! '• '■ - Kate—Marne Gars'oii is telTtbiy!nf!ished on Charley Sweetser. Edith—\Vhat makes you think sol? Kate—Why, he has been three weeks trying to teach her to ride a wheel, and she doesn’t make the least progress. The very instant he lets go of her she falls off.— Boston Transcript. “Well, after dinner Boresome told a story about his exploits in Africa and then one about an Irishman be met in Switzerland.” “But I thought you were not at the banquet?” “Nor was I at this particular one, but I have attended sixteen others where Boresome told these stories.”—Washington Times. She, Sat Upon the Apples.; The duck may not be the wisest of birds, but there should be a limit to its folly. It is told of one that she was in the habit of frequenting an apple orchard. Finding a number of apples lying about, she carried several of them to her nest, and, under the impression, it is supposed, that they were eggs, sat upon them for a couple of weeks in the hope of hatching a brood of ducklings. No wofhan loves her honey boy wiicii she has a headafhe. , , Every oufe is inclined to He about tie value of hhS wheel.