Democratic Sentinel, Volume 20, Number 22, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 June 1896 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEM OF THE PRESS. Claude and Maude—Scorching—The Personal Quantity—Vain Regret—An Ai vanced Thinker—Sensitive. CLAUDE AND MAUDE. He was Claude, She was Maude— They married, but soon separated. She was Maude, He was Clawed A climax all anticipated. FROM THE DEPTHS OF EXPERIENCE. “Papa, what is the ruling passion?” “Your mother’s my child ” 6COBCHING. McCorkle—lsn’t Tenspot running into debt pretty lively? McCrackle—RunningJsn t the Word for it. He’s fairly sprinting. THE PERSONAL QUANTITY. She.—To me weddings are just as sad as funerals. Which would you rather go to? He (glaring at his rival). —It depends upon wnose it is.

VAIN REGRET. Weary Waggles—An’ ter t’ink we skipped dat free concert las’ night! Dusty Rhodes—W’y? Weary Waggles—Dis here paper says de music was intoxicatin’.” AN ADVANCED THINKER. First Westerner.—Tornado Pete has some curious idees. B«cond Westerner. —He has so. Last night he was sayin’ he thought the time ’ud come when we ’d lynch boss-thieves by ’legtricity. WORTH LOOKING INTO. “Hello!” she ejaculated, as she stopped short “I must look into this.” But she found nothing to excite her suspicion, even after a thorough and close examination. It was merely a full-length mirror. SENSITIVE. * Dorothy—lsn’t it unfortunate that Charlie Kewpon stutters so frightfully! It has broken up his affair with Maude completely. May—How ? Dorothy—He proposed to her last night, and when he was through she exclaimed, “This is so sudden!” May—Well ? Dorothy—Charlie thought she was trying to be funny. OFTEN THE CASE. Day—A man’s ability to save money depends largely on his marrying a woman who is an economist in dresJ. Weeks—That’s true; the more economy the more cost. HARDENED. “1 just saw a man slip on a banana peel, and he came up smiling and never said an unpleasant word.” “I guess he must be learning to ride a bike.” CUTE. “Goodluck has had his salary raised was it for extra work ?’’ “Yes. He always listens when the proprietor tells his baby’s smart sayings.” WHEN POLITENESS DOESN’t PAY. “Politeness cost! you nothing,” says the Manayunk Philosopher, “except at a social function. Then, if you’re polite you’re liable to be mistaken for a waiter.” A DISADVANTAGE. Jones—l hear you have asked your minister to resign ? Brown—Had to. He pounded the pulpit so that we couldn’t sleep. MUCH IN EVIQENCE. Clarence—l hear you went last night to ask old Kermudgeon for his daughter Did you find it a bootless errand ? George—No, indeed. I found the boots there all right! BUT ONE REGRET. Judge (to the prisoner)—Have you anything to say before sentence is pronounced against you? The Prisoner—Why, no! Only this, Your Honor, I hate awfully to be convicted of burglary on the testimony of a man who kept his head under the bed clothes all the time. AN IMPOSSIBILITY. “Now between you and me, darling,” he began as he sat with his arm enfolding her waist "George,” she interrupted, •“! wish that you would be a little more precise it your words. How can there be anything between you and me ? There isn’t room," and she snuggled up still closer. DISAPPOINTED. “Ob, dear," said the girl with the X-ray glance as she looked at her bashful lover. “Here’s Jack come again to-night and not brought his backbone with him.” IN BOSTON. .Howell Beaconstreet—My cousin from Connecticut is a strange lad. Mrs. Beaconstreet Why do you say so? Howell Beaconstreet—Last night he said to ine; "You don’t know beans 1” Why, mother, the Leguminosae is the study of a lifetime. DOUBLY FATIGUING. “Ragsy, let’s git us one o’ them bisickles. ” “Gee, Frazzles, yer loony; want ter wear yerself out a-ridin’ an’ a-walkin’ at the same time ?’’ OBEYED INSTRUCTIONS. • ‘Hannah, what are you standing there staring at me for? Didn’t I tell you I was not to be interrupted unless the house was on fire ?” “Well, mum, that’s it. It do be burning this half hour!" HIS EXCUSE. “Don’t you know it is wrong to fish here on private grounds?” “Well, sir, the line must be drawn somewhere.” A SCHEMER. Mrs. C.—Did you succeed in renting a house, Alice? Mrs. B.—No, dear, we are not going to move. Mrs. C.—Bilt I thought you considered the location unhealthy ? Mrs. S.—We do; but Charley says if any of us get sick he’ll jake us to Europe next year. A WEAN STATEMENT. She. —How do you think I will look when I am real old ? He; —Much the same as you do now. At first she was pleased; then she got mad, and finally she did n’t know exactly how to feel about it.