Democratic Sentinel, Volume 20, Number 15, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 April 1896 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEM OF THE PRESS, No Reason for Haughtiness—Made Light of It—Two Birds With One Stone—An Improvement, Etc., Etc. Made Light of It Mr. Dolley—What do you mean by saying that your father made light of my proposal? Miss Giggles—Well, he did. He used It to ignite his cigar with.—Detroit Free Press. An Improvement. Professor (reading)—“Dropping the reins, Mr. Flood assisted his wife from the carriage, and together they entered the store.” Can any little boy improve upon this sentence? Bright Pupil—The reins descended and the Floods came.—Life. Would Expect Him. Watts—So you don’t look on young Sharpe as a coming man, don’t you? Potts—l would if I were in charge of the penitentiary.—lndianapolis Journal. Orpheus and Morpheus. Miggs—Your husband is a great lover of music, isn’t he? Mrs. Diggs—Yes. indeed. I have seen him get up in the middle of the night and try to compose. Miggs—What? Mrs. Diggs—The baby. The Influence of Food. “I am so fond of candy,” said Miss Kittish to Mr. Goal In. “That’s what makes you so sweet, doncher know.” “You must believe, then, that food has an Important eflfeet on a person’s characteristics.” “I do.” “What a quantity of noodle soup you have consumed, Mr. Goslin.”

In 19-. “Do you know” He blushed coyly, then hid his face behind his fan. “This is Leap Year, and I am half tempted to take advantage of one of its privileges?” Miss Bloomernew had been paying him attention for some time without coming to the point. Now, however, the slight hint was sufficient.—Puck. A Little Knowledge. First Small Boy—What is filthy lucre ? Second ditto (who nails the newspapers)—Why, money wi h microbes on it, of course. Changing the Name. “John.” she said, rather sternly, '“'the coal bln is empty.” “Yes,” was the distoasoliaie reply, “it's that way most of tbe time. It's never of use in any immediate 'emergency. I’m going to change its name, and call it a coal-has-bea®..”—Washing-ton Star. The Reason. Pastor—Do you ever play witih little bad boys, Johnnie? Johnnie—Yes, sir. Pastor—l’m surprised, Johnnie:! Why don’t you play with good little boys? Johnnie—Their inamums won’t let ’em.

Wise Precaution. Maude—lsn’t that new (process of photographing through solid substances wonderful? How Ido wish I -could get a photograph of Algy’e braiaa.l Belle—Why, do you think there is anything serious tin* matter with his brain? Maude—No. but I want to tee enve he has one, you know.—Detroit Free Press. Until. “How lias Bluffton been doing?” asked the man who had been away from his native community for some time. “Well, he has made a great deal of money, but” “Getting along well, is tee?” “Well, he seemed to get along ifirtrtrate until he tried to pass some of it.” Two Birds with One Stone. “Molly, what shall I get you for y«ur birthday—a doll or some candy ?” asked a Texas mother of her pet. Molly was silent for a few moments, and then a happy thought struck her. “Get me a doll—one of those candy dolls that I can suck.”—Texas Siftings. Philosophy on the Cable. In the car: “Do you believe in the greatest good to the greatest number? “Well, yes.” “Then don’t try to sit down on this side—eleven of us in this row have comfortable room now, but if you sit down, twelve of us will be crowded.”—Chicago Record. Popular Women. Miss Longpurse—Why, of course, Helen of Troy was beautiful. Do you suppose there would have been a twen-ty-year war over her if she had not been beautiful? Mr. Shortcash (forgetting himself)— Oh, I don’t know. May be she was rich. - New York Weekly. ' No Reason for Haughtiness. Editor—We won't print any such stuff as that. Contributor—Well, you needn’t be so haughty about it. You’re not the only one that won’t print it.—Pearson's Weekly. j Coing DownDe Hote—Yes, Brown is going down hill. Saw him in very tough company last night. De Blote—Dear, dear! Is it. possible? Where? De Hote—Talking to a steak at the Case Rosbif.—New York Press. An Instance. “Moral courage," slid the teacher, “is the courage that mates a boy do what he thinks is right, (regardless of the jeers of his companions.” “Then,” said Willi*, “if a feller has candy and eats all |hisself, and ain’t A Generous Offer. “Your money or ylur life!” shouted

the footpad, with more tirusquerie than is permitted iu social circles where diamonds are worn. "Permit me.’’ said the gentlemanly book agent, opening his valise, “to offer you in lieu of my insignificant existence this calf,bound, gilt-edge, hand-tooled ‘Life of Napoleon.' in three volumes, payable on the instalment plan. Make your own terms; we never disappoint a subscriber, and if" lie found himself alone.—lndianapolis Journal. afraid of the other fellers callin’ him stingy, is that moral courage?”—Cincinnati Enquirer. While You Wait. Fitfully biased the lights in the Bongtong restaurant. "Hullo, Beardsley,” called Dumley, as he sat down at the next table; "been waiting long?” Beardsley shook his head morosely. “Half an hour,” he answered in a voice of gloom. “That so?" continued Dumley; “what’s your order?" "Two eggs, boiled four minutes.”— Rocklaud Tribune. Hardened. “I just saw a man slip on a banana peel, and he came up smiling and never said an unpleasant word.” "I guess he must be learning to ride a bike.”—Puck.