Democratic Sentinel, Volume 20, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 February 1896 — THE JOKER'S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER'S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. His Regular Rate-Couldn’t Keep Him-As Usual—An Athletic Girl—Displeasing— Crafty--Etc„ Etc. His REGULAR RATE. « “Isn't this rather too generous?" said the clergyman, looking at the *->0 gold piece iu his hand. plied the Sioux Falls man who had just been married. COULDN'T KEEP. HIM. .May —They tell me your engagement Charley Gumplcigh is broken. How did it happen? Carrie—lt is no great mystery. The fact is he was too fresh to keep, that's all. AS USUAL. Lawyer—Yon say the prisoner stole your watch. What distinguishing feature was there about the watch? W itness—l had my sweetheart's picture in it. Lawyer—Ah! I see. A women in the case. AS ATHLETIC GIRL. ‘‘Y ou never told me Miss Fairgirl was an athlete.” "Well, is she?” "Y es. she has thrown me over." DISPLEASING. “She has such a coarse laugh." "1 never noticed that.” “You would if you’d been within hearing when 1 proposed to her.” CRAFTY. H e—What is that, dear? She—Angel food. I made it myself. " He—You’d better eat it, dear. Y'ou’rt the only angel in this house.

KEEPING HIS WORD. Wife—This is cruel! And you told me I need never worry about your coming home late at night. Husband—This isn’t late at nightman’ dear; it’s early iu the morning. A DIAGNOSIS. CboUie—Youagh daughtah lias consented to mawy me aud—cr—l’d like to know if there is any insanity iu youah family ? Old Gentleman (emphatically)—There must be! GUILELESS WOMAN. John—By, by, dearest. Anything I can do for you down town? Wife—Yes, dearest. Have two nice buckets sent up front the bucket shop I heard you telling Mr. Margins about last uight. BUSINESS INSTINCT. “How many do two and two make?" “Six.” “You ignorant little beggar! Don’t you know that two and two make four?” ‘•Oh, yes! I know that, but I thoivght you’d beat me down a bit.” .IUIHCIOUS SELECTION. “Whom did Mrs. Desmond ask to her house party?” “All her intimate enemies and some of her friends.” A CLOSE OBSERVER. Fogg—My wife couldn’t make head or ta 1 out of tnat play last night. Bass—Women are not quick in such > matters. Their intelligence doesn’t seem— Fogg—Well, I don’t know about that. Next day she was able to tell me what every woman in the audience had on. MB..6PATTS’ MISTAKE. “I have kissed you nine times thisevening, darling,” said young Mr. Jspatts, who was trying to take leave of his sweetheart. She fired up, and iu an imperious manner exclaimed : "Go, Mr. Spatts, never to return ! I cannot trust my happiness with a man so coldly calculating as to count his kisses!” harder to Get at. “I suppose that it would take a great deal of observation aud experience to enable a mail to pick the fastest horse entered for a race,” she remarked. "Yes,” replied the man of mournful experience ; "but that isn’t wbat you are trying to do. What you want is to pick the horse that is going to win.”

1118 DEFENSE. Wise —You saw Mrs. Browner last evening ? Husband—Yes, but not to speak to. Wise —What a story ! They tell me you were sitting with her for more two hours,. Husband—True, but it was she who did the talking. A PT.IUST. Old Lady—Can you saw wood ? llollingstone Nomoss—Pardon me, madam, but you are slightly at fault in your tenses. If you mean, can I see wood, I may say that my eyesight is slightly defective. scsrioious. “Ethel, were you out sleighing with the armless wonder last evening 't ” “Why, papa, what a question! What put'such an idea into your head ?” •'I saw your escort holding the lines in his teeth.” HE KNEW THE SMELT.. He was walking along High street, west, at a brisk pace the other morning, when he suddenly stopped and sniffed the air in all directions. His nose had found a familiar odor, and pretty s.oon he traced it to a certain chimney, and a9ceuded the steps of the house and rang the bell. “Excuse me, ma’am,” said he to the woman at the door, "but do you keep a cook ?” “Yes, sir,” she replied, as she looked at him in a puzzled way. "Is 9be in at the present time ? ” ‘ ‘Yes, sir, but she doesn’t want to see HP agents.” “Oh, I’m no agent, ma’am. You just call to the cook through the speakingtube that the water has all boiled out of her potatoes, and that said potatoes are burning. Smell ’em very plainly in the street. Happens every day at my house. Cook is probably reading a novel or has a cold in the head. That’s all, ma’am. -Nb trouble at all. Good morning 1 ”