Democratic Sentinel, Volume 20, Number 2, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 January 1896 — The Cream of Current Humor [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

The Cream of Current Humor

She put her little hand in mine Some might have thought her i>old— And yet there was no romance, for She’s hardly two years old. —Louisville Journal. Hoax—“ Does your dentist take pains with is work?” Joax —“No; he gives them. —Philadelphia Record. Alice (the friend)—“l doa’t see how anyone can help loving Blanche.” Gertrude (the rival)—“She can’t help it herself.”—Life. Fudy—“There goes Grabwell. He’s what I call a self-made man.” Duddy —“Yes; people who know him intimately say he is all self."—Boston Transcript. He —“What leads you to call Mrs. Smilax eccentric?” She —“She was telling a story the othqr night and began it: ‘When I was a girl.’ ” —Philadelphia Record. Attorney for the defense —“Now, what time was it when you were held up?” Complainant—“l don’t know;aik your client—he took my watch.’’--Chi-cago Tribune.’ “Where are you going, my pretty maid ?** “To my Christmas shopping, pa,” she said. Pa drew a check and wiped his eye, And thought of the coming buy and buy. —New York Herald. The heiress—“l’m afraid papa will never consent.” The impecunious—“ls your father down op nje ?” Thp —“No; he says he’s up to you. ’—Boston Courier. “Her father won over $2,000 from the baron last month at cards.” “And then the baron asked him for her hand?” “Yes. He wanted to get his money back.” —Life. She—“ She’s just about your age, isn’t she?” He—“No, I’m much the older.”’ She—“ What makes you think so?” He—“We were born in the same month of the same year.”—Chicago Record. Weary Watkins—“My folks always told me I was cut out fer a gentleman.” Hungry Higgins—“Mebbe you was, pardner, but es you w r as you sure belong in the misfit department.”—lndianapolis Journal. Mfs. Snaggs—l was out after tips this afternoon. Mr. Snaggs (who has had expensive experiences with tips)—Not tips on stocks, surely? Mrs. Snaggs— No; ostrich tips.—Pittsburg ChronicleTelegraph. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. As truly would, I ween, a dozen such; But just to make the sentiment complete, A rose by any other name would cost as much. —Philadelphia Record. “You walk as if your shoes were too tight, old man.” “Oh, no. They're very large.” “Oh, that may be.” “Well, then, What ” “I wasn’t referring to their size. I merely said they were tight”—Chicago Post.

Mr. Dunn—l called to see about a little bill I left here about a month ago. Mr. Short—Oh, it’s all right; you needn’t be alarmed. I’ve laid it away where it won’t be disturbed. No need for you to call again.—Boston Transcript. “I believe,” said the young man, “in giving the devil his due.” “Um—yes,” replied his father, who was looking over the stubs of his check-book. “Still, I don’t quite see the propriety of your paying him at my expense.”—Washington Star. Jinks—l am always embarrassed jWhen I want to say the word v-a-s-e. I don’t know whether to say vaze, vace, vahz, or vawse. Blnks —You might take a hint from our hired girl? She simply speaks of all ornaments as “them there.”—Truth. Wayworn Watson —W’y, w’at you runnin’ fer? Did she set the dog on ye? Perry Patetlc—Naw. But she set me out a whole half chicken, bread, butter’n jelly an’ a pack o’ cigarettes. I bet she wants to marry me!—Cincinnati Enquirer. Cripple—Please help a poor man, sir; I lost my leg on the field. WigwagWhy, you’re too youhg to have been in the war. Cripple (indignantly)—Who’s talking about war? I wish you to understand, sir, that I am an ex-foot-ball player.—Philadelphia Record. “Come, sirrah,” said the Sultan; “make New promises for me, And plainly mark them ‘fragile,’ And shlp.them C. O. D.” —Washington Star. A little Boston girl who had recently (earned to repeat the Lord’s prayer was asked by her mother if she knew the meaningof “Forgive us our trespasses.!* “Why, yes,” she replied; “it means excuse us for going on the grass.”—Boston Gazette. At a kindergarten iti'ilounT Vernon during the Thanksgiving exercises, the question was asked: “What was the name of the vessel which brought the Pilgrims to this country?” One little boy, 4 years old, promptly raised his hand and replied: “I know! It was the Defender!”—New York Tribune. “Bliggins is a fine fellow,” remarked the promiscuous eulogizer. “I believe he would share his last dollar with a friend.” “Well,” replied the chronic debtor, “maybe he would. I guess I have never been so fortunate as to run across him when he was down to his last dollar.”—Washington Star.