Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 49, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 December 1895 — The Cream of Current Humor [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

The Cream of Current Humor

To put your trust in princes is Unwise in many cases: Bid it is worse to trust in kings When t’other man has aces. ■—Yenowine's News. Race prejudice is all right if it leads a man to refrain from putting his money on the wrong horse.—Youkers Statesman. “Did I understand you to say you were a pugilist?” “Dat's what.” “Manual, oral or ealigraphic?”—lndianapolis Journal. She —Have you ever loved anybody else, Harold? He (apologetically)— Well—you kuow how it is yourself.— Somerville Journal. He—TrudcheD, dear, this kiss tells you all I have to say. Have you understood me? She—Oh, please, say It again.—Deutsche Warte. She snys she can’t afford a cab — Expenses she must curb, Yet when she walks upon the street Her carriage is superb. —New York Herald. Spencer (vindictively)—l’ve an old score to settle with you. Ferguson (blithely)— I know yon have. That twenty you owed me so long.—New York Herald.

Mrs. Sbopleigh—ls it any trouble to you to show goods? Mr. Cashcall—No, ma’am. But it’s a good deal of trouble to sell them, sometimes.—New York Herald. Foreman (through the speaking tube) -Where do you want that stuff about Turkey put? Night editor (yelling back) On the inside, of course.—Chicago Tribune. The glorious charge of the Light Brigade, By Tennyson famously sung, Is nothing to that which my doctor made For taking a look at my tongue. —Yenowine’s News. Muggins—They tell me Bjones is a very devoted husband. Buggins—Yes, indeed. Why he actually goes to his own wife’s afternoon teas.—Philadelphia Record. Miss Pert—ls Miss Strait Lace circumspect? Miss Caustic—Circumspect? Why, she won’t accompany a young man on the piano without a chaperon. —Salem Gazette. Ellse— My dearest Stella! I haven’t seen you for four months. How is your Charles? Stella-Oli, my Charles has changed very much since then. His name is now Robert!—Fliegende Blaetter. * We are taught by experience stern That the girl who doth manage to catch A. husband with money to burn Is likely to make a good match. —Philadelphia Record. Mrs. Snaggs—l understand that paper is made of wood now. Mr. Snaggs —Yes; so is string. “String?” “Yes; what else do you suppose cordwood is used for?”—Pittsburg Chronicle-Tele-graph.

Goodfellow—lf my clothes were not too big for you, I’d give you an old suit Hungry Hank (gratefully)—Boss, if you’d give me the price of a square meal, I warrant they’d fit me all right. —Truth. Let us be thankful when we eat— Though skies be sad and murky— That though we still love turkey meat We do not live in Turkey. —Atlanta Constitution. Codger—Funny that such a quiet, domestic sort of a chap as you should remain a bachelor. Didn’t you ever think of marrying? Solus—Yes; perhaps that is the reason I never married.—Boston Transcript. Strawber —“Dr. Probe has been treating my rheumatism for the past six months.” Singerly—“Are you any better?” Strawber—“l should say so. When he came with his bill yesterday, I was able to run like a deer.”—Harper’s Bazar.

Mrs. Prattle (to her visitor)—Have you heard of the splendid catch Miss Swiftly has made? She is engaged to a nobleman, the baron of—of—(to her husband)—What is he baron of, my dear? Mr. Prattle (who has met him)— Ideas.—Brooklyn Life. Success is a toboggan slide; It’s mighty slippery, brother, You scarcely reach one end before You’re hustling for the other. '—Washington Star. * “If 1 give your friend a place,” said che banker, “he will have to give a bond. I suppose you will go on?” “Bond?” exclaimed the other man. “Why, he can be trusted with uncounted millions.” “Yes; but all the money we have is counted.”—lndianapolis Journal. “Have you anything to say before sentence is pronounced against you?” asked the judge. “The only thing I’m Kickin’ about,” answered the convicted burglar, “is bein’ identified by a man that kept his head under the bed clothes the whole time. That’s wrong.”— Judge. “How are all our great landed estates in England?” asked the American pleasantly. “Yours!” exclaimed the Engfishman. “Certainly.” “I -don't see what claim you haWe’to them.” “No? Well, perhaps you can tell me what would have become of them if it had not been for the money of our girls.”—Chic,ago Evening Post. jc V'O,"