Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 48, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 December 1895 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Brotherly Differences-- Ho Was Obtusa -- It Would Do - - Wrong Im-pressions->Ete., Eto. BROTHERLY DIFFERENCES. “The brotberg don’t speak to each other tow, you say?" “No.” “What is the trouble between them?" “They’ve each joined a different cburcb.” UK WAS OBTUSE. A. —When I gee you I always think of the proverb, “To whom God gives an ottice lie gives an understanding.” B. —But I Lave no office. A.—Well, don’t you see how that fits? IT WOULD DO. “I’ve bought a bulldog," said Parsniff to bis friend Lessup, “and I want a motto to put over bis kennel. Can you think of something ?” “Why not use a dentist's sign, ‘Teeth inserted here ?” WRONG IMPRESSIONS. Lady Guest—l felt certain there was a man in the bouse last night Wasn’t that a strange fancy ? Hostess—Oh, our cook ia a new woman, you know. CHANGED CONDITIONS. She—Do you men still pursue the even tenor of your way ? He—No; we are content to pursue the even fiver now, if we think you have it to lend. NO OFFICE FOB HIM. Weary Watkins- Ever think of gittin’ into the porehouse ? Hungry Higgins—Me? No. I don’t want to become no public office-holder. You won’t find me askin’ nothin’ of the country as long as I kin git my own livin’.

BRIGHT GIRL. lie—Miss Reeder is a very bright girl. She—Yes, when she reflects. STUDIES IN GENEALOGY. Willie sat behind his grandmother, making a sketch of the old lady. “What are you doing, Willie?” asked his mamma. “Oh, I’m only tracing my ancestor’s hack,” replied the hopeful. WHERE BIG SLEEVES WERE NECESSARY. “Papa,” said little Johnny, eagerly, “I saw the fattest woman to-day !” “How much did she weigh “I don’t know : she wasn’t in a museum. But she was so fat she filled her sleeves up tight." taken at ms word. “Great Scott!” howled the boss, “does it take you four hours to carry a message three squares and return?” “Why," said the new office boy, “you told me to see how long it would take me to go there and back, and I done it.” A FEARFUL ACCIDENT. Scott—lt was a fearful accident that happened to young Downey at Mrs. Lazenby’s reception. Marlboro’--What was the trouble? Scott—He tried to sing “Go to Sleep” with a stand-up collar on. In the middle of a high note his larynx got wedged on the top of the collar, and there he was blowing off an upper C like a steam launch. SHAMELESS "IIALICE. First Author—Have you heard that our chum, Smithers, has married? Second Author—Yes; he wanted to double his circle of readers.

SHE NEEDED HELP. “Do you think you can read my mind?” asked the youth. “Not unless some one discovers it for me,” was her answer. AN EXPEUIENOED HUSBAND. Mr. Blinks—l wish to get some hairpins for my wife. Great Merchant—This is a wholesale house, sir. Mr. Blinks—Of course.. You don’t suppose I’m fool enough to go on buying hairpins at retail, do you ? I want a barrel. MISLEADING ACTIONS. “You would never imagine Spooner and Miss Dashabout to be in love with each other, would you?” “No; they act as if they were relations.” SOMETHING IN A NAME. “1 wisli you would give me a name for a new brand of butter,” said a dairyman to a customer. “Certainly,” answered the customer. “If it is like the last you sent me, I would suggest •Sampson.’” THAT WAS DIFFERENT. Wife—Say, dear, why don’t you pay the bill the doctor sent around ? He has called for it two or three times. Husband—That’s all right, lie can afford to wait. Wife—Well, you didn’t seem to think lie could that night you were sick. HER PRIVILEGE ASSERTED. “What is the use of talking about going to the theater when you know it is too late?” asked Mr. Bimberg, petulantly. “Well, can’t I have the satisfaction of wanting to go ?' retorted his wife. THOUGHTFUL WIFE. Mr. Blinks—lt’s very kind of you, Maria, but I’d rather buy my cigars myself. Seven for a shilling is rather too cheap. Mrs. Blinks—l know it’s cheap, but I thought there must be one good one in the seven.

RECKLESS OF EXPENSE. Painting Instructor—Ze young lady puts ze paiDts on too thick. Mrs. Newrich—Oh, never mind that, professor. Her father’s got money enough to buy barrels of it if she wants it. PROOF OF EDUCATION. James—ls Miss Snowball a graduate of Yassar? William—She is. •‘I thought she was. I heard her ask if the muzzle of a gun was to prevent it going off.” EQUIVOCAL COMPLAINT. Mary and John sitting on the sofa. Mary—Cease your flatteries, or 1 will put my bauds over my ears. John (wishing to be complimentary)—All, your lovely hands are too small. FATHERLY ADVICE. ■ 1 Daughter—This piano is really my very own, isn’t it pa? Pa—Yes, my dear. ‘ ‘And when I marry I can take it with me, can I ?” “Certainly, my child; but don’t tell any we. It might spoil your chances."