Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 45, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 November 1895 — The Cream of Current Humor [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

The Cream of Current Humor

On chilly days the maiden grieves Though dressed in garments new; She can’t display her silk waist'* sleeves And heavy Jacket’s, too. “He said I was bis life’s sunshine.” I guess you will find that all moonshine.”—Boston Courier. “Professor, how does the hair-cut suit you?” “The hair is altogether too short—a little longer, please.”—Fiiegende Blaetter. “What would you do, miss, if I should attempt to give you a kiss?” “I should certainly set my face against it, sir.”— Richmond Dispatch. “Tell me, guide, why so few people ascend that ■ magnificent mountain.” “Because no one has ever fallen off it" —Fllegende Blaetter. “It may be weakness,” said the dying editor, “but I can’t help but feel grateful to this town.” “What for?” “Fof life enough to leave it.”—Atlanta Constitution. “That whisky Is fifteen years old. 1 know It because I’ve had v it that long myself.” The Colonel—By Jove! sir, you must be a man of phenomenal selfcontrol.—Life.

“Now that we are married, Penelope, and have nothing to conceal from each other, how ” “I’m 29, George. How much did you give the preacher?”— Chicago Tribune. Tommy—Paw, why is it the good die young? Mr. Figgs-They don’t die young because they are good, but they stay good because they die young.—lndianapolis Journal.

He (waxing serious)—Do yon believe in the truth of the saying, “Man proposes; God disposes?” She (archly)— It depends upon whom man proposes to.—Brooklyn Life. Oh, Peary, please now settle down, While you with life are blest; And give yourself, the world at large, And poor north pole a rest. —Boston Courier. Slobbs—Jenkins told me Miss Beaconstreet was an old flame of yours. Blobbs—An old flame? Impossible! “Why impossible?” “She’s from Boston.”—Philadelphia Record. “Oh, boy, I’ll give you a dollar to catch my canary bird.” “He’s just caught, ma’am.” “Where—where Is the precious pet?” ♦'Black cat up the road’s got ’im."—Chicago Record. “I reckon,” said Mrs. Corntossel, “that these politicians says a good many things they’re sorry for.” “Yes,” replied her husband, “an’ a good many more thet they orter be.”—Washington Star. “It’s a cold day when I get left,” said the pawn broker, as he hung up the SGO overcoat on which he had advanced $4. “It’s the other way with me,” aptly remarked the overcoat.—New York Herald. “Do you think,” he asked, “that your father would consider my suit favorably?” “Really, Herbert,” the merchant’s daughter replied, “I couldn’t say. Did you buy it at his store?”— Washington Star. Oh, legislators, while you strive To remedy our ills, If you would keep us all alive, Pass some ten-dollar bills! —Atlanta Constitution.

“Did you like the matinee?” said Mabel to Blanche. “No. I couldn’t see the stage.” “Your seat was well toward the front, wasn’t it?” “Yes; but a foot-ball player sat directly in front of me.”—Judge. A.—“ When I see you I always think of the proverb: ‘To whom God gives an office, to him he gives understanding.’” B.—“ But I have no office!” A.— “Well, don’t you see how that fits?”— Fliegende Blaetter. Husband —“I have made all sorts’ of sacrifices for you. Now, what did you ever give up for me?” Wife—“ What did I ever give up for you? Well, I never! Why, I gave up half-a-dozen of the nicest young men in town.”— New York Weekly. '“Years ago,” said Mr. Barnes Tormer, the eminent tragedian, “I started out to be the architect of my own fortunes, but in the school of experience I have learned that a successful architect ought to be able to draw good houses.” —lndianapolis Journal. The black-bearded* pirate, with a knife between his teeth, boarded the passenger ship. “Throw up your hands!” he shouted. The passenger hanging over the rail smiled feebly. “I think I did, not less than an hour ago,” he said, gaspingly.—Cincinnati Enquire;:. “Are all these young men anxious to become surgeons?” asked the visitor. “They are,” replied the lecturer upon surgery. “But how can so maify expect to make a living?” “Easily, sir; easily,” answered the lecturer. “Think of the effect of the present bicycle craze.”—Chicago Evening Posh In reply to the cry for assistance, the professor said: “If I Could help’you, I couldn’t help helping-you. It is because I cannot help you that I cannot help refusing to help you.” And the mendicant darted around the corner, with terror in his eyes and cries of “Help!” in his mouth.—Boston Transcript