Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 44, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 November 1895 — THE JOKER'S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER'S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Professional Success--Tha This Disag room ant-- Motherly Kind-neat--Certitude-- Etc., Etc. PROFESSIONAL success. Fnend—Were you successful with your first case ? The Doctor—Yes; his widow paid the bill. Tint TRUE DISAGREES!Err. “Going to live in the country, eh ?” “Yes." “I suppose city air doesn’t agree with your family?" “Well, city airs don’t agree with my pocket book.” MOTHERLY KINDNESS. Little Boy—Tommy Wing’s mother is awful good and kind to him. Mamina—What has she done that is so thoughtful ? Little Boy—Let him have meaales just the day school began. CERTITUDE. When I hang up the racket, The paddle, and bat, When my red Tam o’ Shanter Supplants my straw hat; When the cranberry’s ripe and The turkey is fat, Thanksgiving is coming, I’m certain of that! AMBIGUOUS. Poet—Did you get my Book of Bonnets I sent you ? His Friend—Oh, yes—delightful! I couldn’t sleep till I’d read ’em. TOO MUCH GO. “Yes, there is a good deal of go to Bridget*” said Mrs. Birmingham, who was recommending a cook to Mrs. Hilltop. “Then I don’t want her,” replied the latter. “My great complaint against the cooks I have had is that they go too soon." EASILY EXPLAINED, Mabel—How did Jack happen to propose a second time ? Florence—Because I refused him the first time, of course. YOUTnFUL BRAVERY. Doctor—Now, Tommie, will you promise me to take your medicine like a man ? Tommie—No, sir; when a man takes medicine he makes a bad face and swears. FORGETFULNESS. “I tell you what it is, my boy, I’m losing my memory. I can’t tell to-mor-row what I did to-day.” “You don’t say so! You couldn’t lend me $5, could you ? BUT COMPANY DOESN’T LOVE MISERY. Mrs. Wigwag—l’m afraid I’ve made enemies of all the callers I had to-day. I felt too miserable to entertain them. Wigwag—l always thought misery loved company. SMART LAWYER. “I tell you what, the lawyer is a cute fellow and no mistaite! I ought to know, for lie lately defended my son.” “How’s that? I thought your son had been sentenced ?” “Yes, but only for a twelvemonth!” REFINED SPITEFULNESS. “Can you tell me how old Miss Brilliant is, Miss Spleen ?" ‘ ‘Oh! no, indeed ! You mu9t some one older than I am.” RETORT DISCOURTEOUS. She—You’re just like all the rest of the men. Here we’ve been married only a year and you never kiss me unless I ask you to. He—Huh! You’re just like all tbe rest of the women. You never think to ask me to kiss you unless you want money. PROMOTING SCIENCE. She—Do you think germs are conveyed by kissing? He—(thoughtfully)—l don’t know, but we might try aud see. BROKE TOE SILENCE. For a long lime after he had succeeded in inserting himself through the door, at 3 a.m., she regarded him in silence. At length she spake. Also, she spake at length. SURE TO BE TRUE. “You know, George,” she was explaining, “I was brought up without any care.” “Marry me, my darling,” said George, “and you shall have nothing else but care.” FULLY EXPLAINED. “What is the reason that the top drawer of a boarding-house bureau will never either open or 9hut?” asked the newlyarrived guest. “Possibly,” answered her friend, “it is due to the quality of the board.” VALUABLE CONTENTS. Railroad Official—l must say you put rather a high value on that trnnk. What’s in it? Passenger—l don’t know. My wife packed it. Official—Hum! Perhaps your estimate is correct. If a woman did the packing, everything in the house is in it.