Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 40, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 October 1895 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Odd, Csriou* and Laughable Phases of Human Nature Graptdcally Portrayed by Km incut Word Artists of Our Own Day—A Budget of Fun. gprinkles of Spice. Put away the blythe straw hat-let And the trouseroons of duck. Soon we’ll don our winter ulster— That is, if we are In luck. —Washington Star. Little Girl (to her mamma) —What Is a dead letter, please? Mamma—One that has been given to your father to post.—Household Words. Passenger—That fellow back there Is raising a great row because he has tc stand. Conductor—Yes; lie’s riding on a pass!—Chicago Record. Cholly Yachtsman—O, could Ibe your mainstay? She (looking at thp clock)—You are. No one else stays after half past 11. —Syracuse Post. Blxby—What idiots girls are when they imitate men! Marie (flattered)— Do yop think so? . That proves how excellent the imitation is.—Truth. Fogg says they are quite stylish at his boarding house. The servant is not in lively, but the breakfast is, six mornings in the week.—Boston Transcript

“Why, Mr. Councillor, you are trying to open the front door with your cigar.” “Really, now! I wonder if I’ve been smoking the latch key?”—Schome Blaue Donau. Realization.—Nephew—Do you know, uncle, I dreamt last night that you lent me $10! Uncle (generously)—ls that so? Ah! \tell, you may keep them, Otto.—La Perroquet. Uncle—“ You only write me once every month, when you want money.” Nephew (a student) —“I beg your pardon, uncle; last month I had to write twice.”—Lustige Blatter.. “Miss Passe indulged in somewhat withering sarcasm when she was talking of you.” “It is her privilege, poor thing. She is somewhat withering herself.”—lndianapolis Journal. “Papa, where are the most diamonds found?” asked Willie. “In somebody else’S' hand when they are trumps,” growled papa, who’d been having hard luck at whist.—Harper’s Bazar. “Yes,” said the business man to the clergyman, “I’ve lost a good deal of time in my life.” “By frittering it away, I suppose?” “Xo, by being punctual to my appointments.”—Boston Courier. “If dere’s any invention dat I have a profound respeck for,” said Movealong Mike, “it’s de founting-pen.” "Whut’s de reason?” inquired Plodding Pete. “Dey never works.”—Washington Star. Hazel—l have one of the nicest dentists you ever saw. Nutte— In what way? Hazel—Why, he pulled out the wrong tooth the other day and wouldn’t charge me a cent for it.—Xew York Herald. Mudge—Another man called me a liar last night. Yabsley—What did you do? “Well, as lie was three sizes bigger than I, I asked him why he couldn’t say something original.”—lndianapolis Journal. “Ah, but it's his good record that stands in his way.” “How?” “He has foolishly always made it a point to pay cash for everything, and consequently he hasn’t the least bit of credit.”—Chicago Evening Post.

“What was the most confusing case you ever had?” asked the doctor of the lawyer. “Case o’ champagne,” returned the lawyer. “I hadn’t got half through It before I was all muddled up.”—Harper’s Bazar. For various reasons men go to the sea, And manifold benefits glean; But fair woman’s reason Is best, you’ll agree— She goes to the sea to be seen. —Brooklyn Life. Oliver have any trouble with your wheel?” “Not yet,” said the Sweet Young Thing. “So far whenever I have run over anyone I have been able to get away before he got up.”—lndianapolis Journal. In Boston, of course: Hicks—“ But, really, what kind of a looking girl la this Miss Beekon?” Wicks—“ Well, I can hardly say; you see, she didn’t have her glasses on the day I saw her.” —Boston Transcript. “If you have anything to say, why don’t you say it, and be done with it?” “I never cast my pearls before swine.” “Well, I don’t know as I can blame you; it would be an insult to the swine.”— Boston Transcript. “There’s money In stocks,” said the man who is young and enthusiastic. “Yes,” replied his seasoned friend, “I’m sure there is. I have been putting half my salary there for the last four years, and it’s all there yet”—Washington Star. Clieerup (to Tom Hardup, who has a lot of bad debts and no money, but who is tlie only heir of a very old, very healthy and very wealthy aunt)—“Now don’t get discouraged, Tommy; there is your Aunt Maria.” Tom Hardup—“Yes, there she is; that's the trouble.”— Boston Transcript. Miss Towmsend—“Do you find much difficulty in keeping help here?” Mrs. Suburb—“lndeed, yes. It is next to impossible to keep a girl more than a week.” Miss Townsend—“ Why is that —tdh far from the city?” Mrs. Suburb —“Oh, no. I think not; but you see we have only one policeman in the town, and he’s married.”—Judge.