Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 40, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 October 1895 — THE LIME-KILN CLUB. [ARTICLE]

THE LIME-KILN CLUB.

Brother Gardner Calls for an OldFashienad Meeting. “My friends," said Brother Gardner as the notes of the triangle calling the meeting to order ceased to echo through Paradise hall, “de present meetin’ of dis club will be held in de old-fashioned way, an' sich members as am alive at de close will repa’r to de aunty room an’ be regaled on selieral large anil voluptus late watermillyons which hev jist arrive from de Stait of Gawgy. In answer to sartin letters of inquiry received doorin’ de week 1 should like to say: "Dis club am pledged to no pertickler sort of religion. “We has no pollyticks as a club, but as individuals we cast ouli votes in favor of honest and respectable men. It am so seldom dat we And honest, respectable men runnin’ for office, howeber, dat moas’ of us stay home on 'leckslmn day to clean out de cistern or repair de pig-pen. “Our aim am to elevate de cu’lld race, i If de race ain’t fo’ pegs higher In mutters of science, philosophy, economy an’ art dan it was five y’ars ago it ain't our fault. “We has no partnership wid congreshunal or legislative bodies, an' we enter into no alliance wid odder clubs or societies. “We believe in a hereafter, charge seventy-five cents fur whitewashin’ an ordinary ceilin’, an’ any pusson desirin’ stoves blacked in de moas’ conducive manner should give de job to a member of de Lime-Kiln Club. Let us now purceed. ” Sir Isaac Walpole brought out a brand new bean box aud a pint of fresh beans, and in ten minutes the following candidates were neatly and legally elected: Paradox Jones. Col. Carr, Sliakspeare Smith, Rev. Job Pulser, Lord William O’Flynn, Hon. Asteroid Greene aud Endeavor Williams. The secretary announced an official communication from the secretary of the Akron Dead Beat Society, of Akron, 0., asking to be admitted in a body to the Lime-Kiln Club. Their creed was: “Trust today,' pay to-morrow.” Their party platform: “Two dollars a day and no work.” Their object in life: “To beat the human race.” Brother Gardner read the communication over slowly and then dropped it out of the window into the alley. A communication from Halifax contained tills inquiry: “In case a member of the club joins the Good Templars and finds he can’t let whisky alone, what would be good advice to him?” “My advice would be fur him to go off an’ drown hisseif,” replied the president. “When I li’ar tell of a man who can’t let whisky alone I sot him down as an idiot who had better take liisself out of de world. A man who can’t spit on his hands an’ lick his appetite in a stan’ up fight should hev bin bo’n a cow.” Giveadam Jones offered a resolution that the fine imposed on Elder Toots tor disturbing a meeting a few weeks ago be remitted. The disturbance . was created by falling down stairs and breaking a door, and Elder Toots never fell down stairs when he could avoid it. He might have made less noise, but he paid for the door and was anxious to be reinstated. The resolution was adopted by a unanimous vote and the president declared the fine remitted. Some time since Samuel Shin let an old tinpan full of ashes fall upon Whyfore Davis as the latter was entering the hall by way of Legislative Alley. There has been a coldness between them ever since, aud Brother Davis has several times asserted that lie would pulverize Brother Shin to a lifeless iiiass in case he could catch him out on a rabbit hunt. At the present meeting, and a few minutes before the triangle sounded, Brother Davis received word that his mother, residing iii West Virginia, was dead. This softened his feelings and prepared liis heart for a reconciliation, and he walked up to Brother Shin and extended his hand and bridged the awful chasm. He afterwards ascertained that liis mother had been dead eleven years, but lie had made up the coldness and he did not back out, as a less honorable man would have done.

The secretary then announced an official communication from the secretary of the Anti-Buttermilk Society, of Dupont Banks, Del., asking to be admitted to the Lime Kiln Club as a body, with authority to work on the third degree. The letter of application announced the fact that the society was of the opinion that buttermilk was the bane of the present age. 1..- i vestigation had revealed the fact that the greatest consumers of the fluid were those most obstinately arrayed against the society and the law. Out of twenty-two murderers questioned by the society, nineteen admitted their fondness for butter-' milk. Train robbers, burglars, cowboys and all the prominent embezzlers were buttermilk drinkers, and the society bad started on a crusade which would not end until the churn was forbidden by law. The secretary was instructed to reply that the Lime Kiln Club did not care for such an alliance, having used buttermilk for the last seven years with the most gratifying results. The librarian reported that he had lately received several historical works, two volumes of poetry, three pamphlets ou free trade aud a hymn-book. The library was now open six evenings per week, from 7 to 10 o’clock, and the average attendance for the past mouth was sixty-eight.

The janitor reported that be had paid out twenty-seven cents for tin to nail over rat-boles. t The committee on judiciary reported a petition from Syracuse asking the club to use its influence to secure national legislation to make it a penal offense for any person to deliver a Fourth of July oration withjn two miles of any crowd of people. The Keeper of the Sacred Relics reported the mysterious disappearance of the hat worn by De Soto when he discovered the Mississippi river, and for three or four minutes consternation was depicted on every countenance. It was then learned that Pickles Smith had taken the bat to carry home some carrots from the market. He was given such a raking down as few men ever live through, and was then allowed thirteen minutes in which to gallop a mile and a half and return with the sacred relic. Waydown Beebe then offered the following resolution: “Resolved, Dat while dis club am constitutionally opposed to lynch law, de members stan’ ready to pull on de rope if dar’ am any lack of help.” Trustee Pullback demanded the yeas and nays, and the resolution was adopted by a majority of 64. The lamps being on the point of going out, the meeting sang a poem and adjourned to the banquet hall.