Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 38, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 September 1895 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Odd, Cnrioua and Laughable Phases of Homan Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Art lata of Our Own Day—A Budget of Fan. Sprinkles of Spice. Beside the brook. With line and hook, My love and I did splash and dabble. I begged a kiss, She answered this: “You surely know how brooks wifi babble.” —Philadelphia Record. “Why don’t you marry that-girl? She is a real pearl.” “Ah, yes, but I don’t like the mother of pearl.”—Fliegende Blatter. “Help! help!” cried the man who was being robbed. “Calm yourself,” said the highwayman, “I don’t need any as sistance.”—Town Topics. He —I believe I will propose to her by telephone. Do you think she will accept me? She —She ought to If you ring her up properly.—Harper’s Bazar.

Customer—These trousers don’t sit right about the hips. Tailor —They’re all right—what you need is something more in the pockets.—Chicago Record. Lea—Caddington’g still suffering from that toothache, though I advised him to take a drop of carbolic acid and kill the nerve. Perrins—Didn’t he do it? Lea —No; he didn't have the nerve.— Judge. Cholly—Thought you were going to marry Miss Kostique? Gussie—Going to awsk her to-night My chawnces are about even. “How so, deah boy?” “She must say either ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ ’’—Philadelphia Record. Dozber—Do you think that constantly wearing a hat has a tendency to make a man bald? Jazlln—No; but when a man is bald I’ve noticed that it has a tendency to make him constantly wear a hat—Roxbury Gazette. “I don’t see any use in getting blue over it, old man. She isn’t the only girl in the world.” “That’s Just what I’m blue about Think of the chances 1 have of making the same kind of a fool of myself again.”—Brooklyn Life. Although she had a gift, as people said, A generous gift of song from Nature free, Her clear papa with rage fell nearly dead At finding each short lesson cost a V. —Pittsburg Dispatch. are charged,” said the rural Justice, “with stealing two gallons of whisky. Why did yon do it?” “Steal two gallons?” “Yes.” “Cos I couldn’t git away with a barrel, yer honor. I never wuz very strong!”—Atlanta Constitution. An exemplary patient—“ This morning the doctor ordered me to drink warm water an hour before every meal; and here I’ve been drinking for the last forty minutes, but I’ll be jiggered if I cap swallow another drop.” —Humorlstisclie Blaetter.

“So you took your family to the sea shore?” said the faceti-us man. “I did,” was the melancholy reply. “Where there Is such grandeur iu the breaking of the waves ” “Yes.” “And the breaking of the engagements ” “Yes, and of the S2O bills."—Washington Star. To folk in city and village and farm The time Is coming, and woe betide, When campaign speakers “view with alarm,” And then Incidentally “point with priae.” * —Chicago Record. The physician—Great Scott! young lady, you say yon had eleven dishes of ice cream, four soda •waters and a ham sandwich. Oan you wonder why you’re sick? The young lady (feebly)—lt must have been the ham sandwich, I suppose.—Louisville Post “Do you find this weather oppressive?” he asked. “Yes,” she replied; i“it’s very hot and tiresome.” “Would it make matters more endurable if I were to propose to you ?” “Oh, yes. Do propose ice cream, soda water and a .drive.”—Washington Star. Fuddy—What is the trouble with Caudle and his wife? Duddy—She has sued him for breach of promise. Fuddy —Breach of promise! How can that be, when they are married? Duddy— Why, she married him for his money, and he declines to give up the money.— Boston Ttanscript “How will you have your eggs cooked?” asked the waiter. “Make any difference in the cost of ’em?” inquired the cautious customer with the brimless hat and faded beard. “No.” “Then cook them on the top of a slice of ham,” said the customer, greatly relieved.— Spare Moments. Mr. Urban—Why is it that you country people charge so much more for board than we have to pay in the city ? Mrs. Ensilage—La me! What a question! In the city the boardin’ house keepers has plenty of markets, but here we has to raise everything.—New York Weekly. “We couldn’t help liking each other, you see, The yacht met with very rough weather; And while she was pitching and tossing, you know, We were constantly thrown together.” —Brooklyn Eagle. Doctor—l would advise you, dear madam, to take frequent baths, plenty of fresh air, and dress in eool gowns. Husband (an hour later)—What did the doctor say? Wife—He said I ought to go to a watering place, and afterwards to the mountains, and to get some new light gowns at once.—Fliegende Blaetter.