Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 36, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 September 1895 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Odd, Curious and Laughable Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day—A Budget of Fa*. Sprinkles of Spice. , Neber min’ de cornin’ fros’, isl Honey, don’t you fear; When de watahmiliion's gone, De ’simmon will be here. —Washington Star. Magistrate—Now tell me why yoif stole ’that watch? Prisoner—Oh, just to while away the time.—Philadelphia Record. Adolphus— Why, Ethel, are you looking at me so intently ? Ethel (dreamily) —I was gazing at vacancy, Dolly.— Boston Transcript. _ Britisher— Are your humorists here in America generally read ? “WeH, no; those I have met have been most infernally blue."—Toledo Blade. “Don’t Jon find ft rather lonely hert?” asked Cholly, “with nobody to talk to?” “Yes,” she replied, “and if» getting worse every minute.”—Warrington Star. “Jones seemed to be awfully mad! when I overtook him this morning."’ “What’s the matter, I wonder?” “Why r you see, I had the faster horse.”—Chicago Tribune. Old Girl—You say that you would) hustle after a man? New Girl—Teej. certainly. “Why do such an unseem*ing thing?” “To reduce my weight" —Adams Freeman.

“I am very sorry, Karl, yon didn’t admire my new frock. Everybody sayait’s charming.” “Your friends, my dear,*pay you compliments; I pay your bills.”—Lustige Blaetter. "Nature,” said Unde Eben, “doan*‘ nebber bestow all her gifs on one Indl--vijiile. De Hghtnin’ bug ain’ got nostinger, an’ de skeeter ain’ got nolamps,"—Washington Star. “Green tea or black tea, Miss?” inquired the shopman in a sort of medico bedside manner. “I don’t think it matters;.”' said the girl; “missus is color blind.”—Fort Worth Gazette. Blobbs—Your ocean voyage seems to have improved yon. You look stouter. Slobbs—l lost five pounds, just the same. Blobbe—Seasick? Slobbs—No| poker.—Philadelphia Record. Bingo—E want to change the combination of that house safe of mine. Safe Man—What’s the matter? Servants found out the old number? Bingo—No. My wife hasv—Brooklyn Life.

“When I first took hold of this place,” said the new proprietor of the grocery store on;the corner, “it was doing absolutely nothing, and now the business has doubled?’ I—Chicago 1 —Chicago Tribune. Incredulous Friend —Y’oull never accomplish anything by trying to reach the pole-—" Arctic Explorer—Just wait till youi see me coining down the homestretch. —(SlteveTand Plaindealer. “It was'by bein? too tender-hearted that I got. here,.” explained the gentleman behind: the-bars. “Stid of takin’ all the feller had' I left him enough to hire a lawyer and a jury on?’—lndianapolis Journal; Blabzer—Out fte the country where you live, don’t; you: find it aggravating having to hurry to catch trains? Mazner_Oh, no! fitfs hurrying to miss them that we find agravating.—Roxbury Gazette. Tramp (interviewing Herr Butherz at the front doorjs—Excuse me—yesterday you gavo me this bat and the light top coat I ann now wearing; couldn’t you let me Have a walking stick to match ?—Fremdenblatt. “Do you think-,”' said Chapple, “that a gentleman ought to speak to his barber when he meet® Mm on the street?” “Certainly,” said Briggs. “It Is about the only chenoe he has to get a word in.” —Indianapolis- Journal. Cumso—George- Washington Is re-sponsiblefor-the' dsaanage to -the wheat crop. Cawker—l thought it was the • Hessian fly which was doing the dam-;-age. Cumso—lt is; but Washington.made the-Hessian fly.—Judge. “Have your baggage checked?” said the man-wlth. a handful of brass disks. “If it’s all the same to you,” replied Familiman, “Fd prefer to have you put a check, on the- naan who handles the baggage.-”—Boston Transcript. “You> are working too hard,” said a policeman t» a man who was drilling a hole 1» a safe at 2 o’clock in the morning. “What’s that?** asked the burglar,, in a discontented tone. , “I| say yon-need’ arrest?’—Boston Globe. “How did yon feel on your fiftieth birthday?” asked one of .Bostoii’s-bach-elors- of another who is be'gltftjJiig to grow old. “Never , happier or friskier in-my fife-,”' said he, “but I had; a bad. headache next morning.”—Boston Herald. Miss De Fashion—Mother, what shall: we send to Miss De Style for-her wed. ding present? Mrs. De Fashion—Will the list be published in the paper? “No; she says that’s vulgar.” “Send her a plated saltspoon.”—New York. Weekly. / “Our side is going to spring some un-looked-for disclosures on you,” said a* lawyer to one of the- opposing attorneys. /‘We’ve been expecting soma un,. iooked-for disclosures,’" was the reply*, “so you’ll not take m unawares.”--. Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. “Jeremiah,” said Mr. Jingle’s wife* as that gentleman camo home somewhat late, yon don’t, write me touch? ing apostrophes as used to dp.” “No,” replied Mr. Jingle, “and you didn’t use io talk question marks, and exclamation points as you do now.” 1 -* Washington Star.