Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 33, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 August 1895 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Discouraged at the Outset--Wasn’t Feeling Well--A Just Rebuke, Etc., Etc. DISCOURAGED AT THE OUTSET. The summer girl, accompanied by her mother, descended from the train at the Springs station and looked about her. Then she beckoned to a man driving a two seated wagon. “Sorry, Miss,” he responded, “but I’m engaged.” A shadow of disappointment fell over the face of the girh “Mamma,” she exclaimed, “this is no place for us. The m6n are so scarce that even the hack drivers are engaged.” At the station beyond the outlook was less disheartening.— Truth. wasn’t feeling well. “What cheer, what cheer!” blithely called old Cap’n Blimley, as he rolled into the parlor of the local tonsoria artist, and began pulling off his coat. “This one,” the barber returned, removing the cloth and regarding the mariner with an air of frozen repulsion. And the Cap’n was that astonished that he forgot to yell when the barber laid open a Turkish crescent on the under side of his chin.—Rockland Tribune. A JUST REBUKE. Young Tutter (drawing closer) —I hope, Miss Clara, that your father, in the next room, can’t hear what I am saying. Miss Pinkerly (with dignity)—l hope, Mr. Tutter, that you will say nothing to me that you would not be willing, if necessary, to say to papa. —Life. WARM. Waiter—Guest wants his hash warmer. Cook—Put in this piece of red flannel. —Detroit Tribune. A NICE, CAREFUL BOX. Father (coming unexpectedly upon the scene) —Ah 1 Just as I thought 1 In swimming on Sunday. Boy (putting on a bold front) —I fell in, dad. Father (angrily)—Don’t lie to mel You’ve got your clothes o I. Boy—Well, you wouldn’t have wanted me to fall in this muddy water with my Sunday clothes on, would you?—Puck .

THE RULING PASSION. “What this town needs,” said the public spirited citizen, “is extension ” “That’s it,” replied the street railway magnate. ~Of the streets.” “No. Of time.” Washington Star. at a disadvantage. “Willie,” said the teacher to the new woman’s son, “you are a nice little boy; but you shouldn’t give up so easily. You should be more manly.” “I can’t,” replied Willie, in disconsolation. “Everybody says I don’t take after mother.”—Washington Star. HAD ENOUGH. Dr. Probe—l don’t want to worry you about that little bill you owe me, but I do need the money. Dashaway—l hope you won’t worry me, Doc. I don’t want to get sick again.—Puck. THE ELECTION OF THE FUTURE. Candidate I can’t understand why my svpport was not greater at the polls. Manager—l am told a great many of the voters had nothing to wear.— Town Topics. RIGHT IN HIS LINE. Parishioner —Do you ever speculate in bonds, Mr. Thumper ? Pastor Only matrimonial, Mr. Pewrent. —Judge. A SUMMER THOUGHT. * The poet sings in glowing rapture pent, While the white clouds in airy grace unfurl: “Now is the winter of our discontent Made glorious summer by tne summer girl!” THE FEATURES. “And what were the main features of Hannigahan’s wake ?” “Eyes, to be sure.” “Eyes ?” “Yis. Blacked wans.”—lndianapolis Journal.

APPARENTLY A NOVICE. She —Don’t you think he is a good dentist ? He—l’m afraid he hasn't had much experience. I knew I had two cavities in my teeth, and that’s all he could find. —Puck. INNOCENT. Lawyer—lt has been proved that the stone thrown by my client did hit the plaintiff. That very fact should acquit her. Judge—What ? Lawyer—lt shows that she couldn’t possibly have aimed at the plaintiff— Philadelphia Record. WRITTEN ON WATER. Dillby—What have you been doing all the day? Twillby (poetically inclined) —I have been down to the beach writing sonnets on the beautiful sea. Dillby—Gadl What a blessing it would be if all ambitious poets wrote their poems on the sea, and left them there! WANTED A FAIR UNDERSTANDING. Old million —Do you wish to marry my daughter ? Mr. Slimpurse—Y-e-s, sir. Old Million—Um—do you intend to live with your parents or hers ? NOT HIS FIRST TRIP. Recorder—So you were on the excursion boat when the fight occurred. Is this the first time you went up the Hudson on an excursion ? Prisoner—No. your Honor; I have been up the river as far as Sing Sing three times before, but I was innocent every time.