Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 32, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 August 1895 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Odd, Carious and Laughable Phase* of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artiata of Our Own Day—A Budget of Fun. Sprinkle* of Spice. It’s the summer fly that bustles, TiU within the spider’s gates. And the spider never hustles, But he gets there while he waits. ■-Truth. “They say Cholly has more monejr than brains.” “Then why don't you set your cap for him?”—Life. Mrs. Peastraw—“How on earth did you get yourself so dirty?” Johnnie—“l was in swimmin’.”—Truth. “So your papa is willing to trust me with you, is he?” “Yes. He seemed sure you’d fetch me back to him."— Life. She—“ Yes, I am very fond of pets.” He —“Indeed. What, may I ask, is your favorite animal?” She (frankly) —“Man.”—Fashion Review. Mack—“My wife made me a present of a SSO bill yesterday." Wyld—“You’re in luck.” Mack—“l don’t think so. I have to pay it”—Brooklyn Life. Bachelor—“l am told that a married man can live on half the income that a single man requires.” Married man—- “ Yes. He has to.”—New York Weekly. Winks (who keeps house)—“We had an old-fashioned potpie for dinner today.” Minks (who boards) —“We had an old-fashioned chicken.”—New York Weekly. Boy—“I want to buy some paper.” Dealer—“ What kind of paper?” “I guess you better give me fly-paper. I want to make a kite.”—Philadelphia Record.

“Bingle’s wife says she thinks heaven muss be something like Boston.” “■What does Bingle say?” “He says he is tempted to become an agnostic.”— Washington Star. “Villain!” she hissed, “Deep-dyed villain!” The jattooed man looked hurt “Indeed, ma’am," said he, “I hasten to assure you that it is only skin deep.”— Indianapolis Journal. The grocer's grown so very cute That, measuring out some plums, He fills the vessel with the fruit And counts in both his thumbs. —Chicago Record. Wiggles—“ What’s the matter with you, old man?” Waggles—“Oh, several things.” Wiggles—“ Well, get engaged to one of them, and then let the rest alone.”—Somerville Journal. Ellis—“ Miss Ballad has a remarkably sweet voice.” Warburton —“She ought to have; it has cost me about sixty pounds of chocolates in the last six weeks.”—Boston Courier. Bolton—“ What is the difference between a specialist and an ordinary physician?” Colton “You’ll know quick enough when the specialist sends in his bill.”—Somerville Journal. Guest (pushing them away from him) —I don’t like the way you cook eggs at this restaurant Walter—What’s the trouble, sir? Guest—You don’t cook them soon enough.—Chicago Tribunb. Clerk—That gentleman you sold a bottle of hair dye to three weeks ago was here again to-day. Druggist—Was he after another bottle? “No, sir. He wanted to know if we kept wigs.”— Life.

Old lady (to motorman on trolly car) —“Ain’t you afraid of the electricity, Mr. Motorman?” Motorman “No, ma’am, I ain’t go no call to be afraid. I ain’t a conductor.” Philadelphia Record. “Well,” said the camel in the circus parade, “there’s some comfort for me after all.” “What do you mean?” “My hump is pretty bad, but It might be worse. I don’t ride a bicycle.”—Washington Star. Guest (angrily)—What has become of that waiter I gave my order to ’most an hour ago? Head Waiter—l don’t know, eah, but most likely he’s waitin’ on some gent wot tipped him, sah.—New York Weekly. Bellefleld—l understand that Mrs. Spiffins claims to be a self-made woman. Bloomfield—lt isn’t quite true. My wife has seen her add the finishing touch—put on her complexion.—Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. Hoax—That horse of mine sets a good example that some men would do well to follow. Joax—Why, the nag Is no good. He Interferes. Hoax —That’s just it. He interferes, but only with himself.—Philadelphia Record. Cobble—l don’t think the landlord of the Ocean Bar House liked what I said to him before I went in bathing. Stone —What was that? Cobble—l asked him If there were any other sharks around. —Harper’s Bazar. Sally—An’ after we are married, will you keep on lovin’ me? Rube —I’ll love you till—till the cows come home, as the feller says. Sally—Y-a-a-s, an’ then go Sown to the grocery an’ let me do all the milkin’.—lndianapolis Journal. The reason none can understand, But examples there are plenty— One pound is the weight of the fish you land— And the fish that escaped weighed twenty. —Chicago Record. “Say,” said the city editor, “it seems to me that this expression of yours about showing a clean pair of heels is not just the thing In me report of a bicycle race.” “All right,” answered the lazy reporter. “Just stick In a ‘w’ and make it a clean pair of wheels.”— Cincinnati Tribune.