Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 31, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 August 1895 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS, The Age of Progress--A Lover’s Ad-miration--Went Right Along, Eto., Etc. Tin AOE OB PBOFRBSS. Dr. Emdee—lt is a rare thing for a woman to have appendicitis. Miss Findesiecle (enthusiastically)— Give us time! We’ll get it. a lover’s admiration. **My dear fellow,” said one foreign nobleman to another; “I have just met your fiancee. I want to congratulate you. You have a prize.” "Yes,” was the complacent reply; “and the beauty of it is that she’s a cash prize.” —Washington Star. WENT RIGHT ALONG. Customer—You give light weight. That pound of evaporated peaches you sold me did not weigh over three-quarters. Dealer—Well, mum, I didn’t warrant ’em not to go on evaporatin’.—New York Weekly. PLEASURE IN Ills WORK. “That sour old fellow Grumpus has a job that just suits him." “What’s that?” “He’s station master where fifty trains go out every day, and lie sees somebody miss every one of them."—Chicago Record. HELD TO THE HABIT. “I can’t let you have any money, that’s flat,” said the new woman. “Why?" asked the husband, tears gathering in bis limpid blue eyes. “Because,” confessed the breadwinner shamefacedly, "there is a bargain sale down at Cutten’s, and they are selling the loveliest spring trousers ever seen for $2 98. I thought I had got over the bargain counter habit, but this is something I cannot rosist. ” —lndianapol is Jou rual. CAME TOO LATE. “It’s a great pity,” said the convicted burglar to Ills lawyer, “that you couldn’t have made that closing speech of yours at the opening of the case." “I don’t see that it would have made any difference." “It would, though. Then the jury would have been asleep when the evidence came in, and I’d have stood some show." —Washington Star. A OOMPHOMISE. It was in an absent-minded sort of way that she read the sign “lee Cream.” “Oh, air, ice cream,” said he. “Did you ever read that there were deadly ptomaines in ice cream?” “Yes," she said a little spitefully. “Did you ever read of the microbes in kissing?" On reflection he concluded to compromise on a basis of present cream and future kisses.—lndianapolis Journal.

A DIFFERENCE. She—Oil, my! there's something gone down my back. He—lt's one of those thundering bugs, I suppose. “No; I guess it’s one of those lightning bugs, George."--Youkers Statesman. LATE IN REALIZING. Reporter—l suppose you realized a large stun of money on your last fight, didn't you? Pugilist—Naw, I didn’t realize nothing until I came to, a week after der scrap.— Trulli. A CAPTIOUS CRITIC. “There is one part of your romance, Mr. Hicks, that you will have to change,” said the editor. “What is that?” asked Hicks. "Where the deaf-and-dumb boy rescues Ethellnda from the ocean. You say that with one hand he grasped the fair girl around the waist, and witli the other lie signaled loudly for assistance."—Harper’s Bazar. THE INEVITABLE HERO. Billings—Who is that man the crowd is cheering so vociferously? Coddingtou Why that’s Commodore Starboard, who Is going to rescue Pain’s arctic expedition. Billings—And who is the little man at his side? Coddington Why, that’s Pain; he’s just about to start. lIER TIMELY DISCOVERY. Helen—Oh, George, we are saved. George—What do you mean, loved one? Helen—Why I have found my bicycle oil-can in my pocket; we’ll pour its contents on tiie troubled waters. And then she swooned. A YOUNG PURIST. “Liz," said Miss Klljordan’s youngest brother, “do you say ‘woods is’ or ‘woods are’ ? ” "Woods are, of course,” she answered. “Why?” “’Cause Mr. Woods are down in the parlor waitin’ to see you.—Chicago Tribune. THE BEST PLACE FOB THEM. Mother (arranging for the summer) —I want the girls to go to some place where the nicest men are, of course. Father —Then, my dear, you had better let them stay iu town. —Detroit Free Press.

SPOILED HIM. “Don’t you think that for an ugly man Junkette is awfully vain since he came back from his vacation?” “Yes; but you know he was at a summer resort for three weeks and was the only man there.”—Chicago Record. A NATURAL MISTAKE. “Isn’t Smith a poet?” “No; can’t borrow a quarter to have his hair cut —that’s all. ’’—Atlanta Constitution. THE DOUBLE ALLIANCE. “I’m glad you came,” said the mosquito; “I have been nearly worked to death.” “Well, you can get a good rest, now,” answeredethe fly. “I’ll take care of him till lie gets ready to get up.”—lndianapolis Journal. SEEK NO FURTHER. “Oh, where can rest be found?” A weary poet sighs. That’s easy. Drop into a store That doesn’t advertise.

ACTION OF HAND IN WHITING.