Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 30, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 August 1895 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Odd, Curious and Laughable Phases of Human Nature OrapUcallj Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day—A Budget of Fun. Sprinkles of Spice. Now the druggist’s face is beaming, as the nickels to him pass And he thinks there’s fun in selling froth at half-a-dime a glass. —Boston Courier. “Isn’t Smith a poet?’’ “No; can’t borrow a quarter to have his hair cut—that’s all Atlanta Constitution. First girl—“Cholly isn’t such a fool as he looks.” Second gin—“No, Indeed, ne couldn’t be.”—Washington Star. Jack—“To feather your nest you must have money.” Tom—“ Yes, there is nothing so delightful as cash down.”— Truth. “She—“ Have you ever loved another?” He —“Yes, of course. Did you think I’d practice on a nice girl like you?”—Life. “I hate these bicycles built for two,” said Miss Jemmison. “It encourages people to talk behind your back.”— Harper’s Bazar. Little girl—“ What is tact, papa?” Papa—“ Something every woman has and exercises—until she gets married." —New York Weekly. Tommy—" Paw, what Is the board of education?” Mr. Figg—“ln the days when I went to school it was a pine shingle.”—lndianapolis Journal. He —“Is this the first time you’ve ever been in love, darling?” She—(thoughtlessly)—“Yes; but it’s so nice that I hope it won’t be the last!”—Titbits.

Blow, blow, blow, Wind of the summer sea; But you can never blow as much As it takes to board by thee. —Augusta, Ga., Chronicle. “Guy, do be quiet,” said mamma: ■'you are so noisy." “I’m obliged to make a noise, mamma; somebody might take me for a girl.”—Philadelphia Times. Clara Wintorbloom—“There Is only, enough to about half fill this trunk. What shall I do, fill it with papers?” Mrs. Winterbloom —“No; let your father pack It”—Brooklyn Life. Caller—Your coat-of-arms Is very pretty; but couldn’t any one else use It? American Hostess—No, indeed. We paid the designer $lO extra to have It copyrighted.—New York Weekly.

“Who Is the master of this house?” asked the agent of the man who anBwered his ring. “Well,” was the curious response, in a resigned tone, “I ara the husband and father.”—Life. First little girl—“ And Isn’t your cat afraid of mice?” Second little girl—“Oh, no, not a single bit” First little girl—“ That’s queer. And she’s a lady eat, too, isn’t she?” — Somerville Journal. Van Pelt—“lsn’t $4 a day rather high for a hotel In the mountains?” Landlord—“ But my dear sir, you should think of the'scenery.” Van Pelt—“ How much do you charge for that?”—New York World. “What’s the matter with that horse?” said the animal’s owner at the race track. “He’s fast asleep,” replied the stable boy. “Well, leave him that way. It’s the only time he Is ever fast.”— Washington Star. “He has money to burn,” is a phrase played out, In this season before dog days are felt; And now to ease a financial doubt, We are prone to say, “He has ice to melt’’ Mrs. Keene—Mason. Mr. Keene— What, dear? Mrs. Keene —The next time wo go to the opera, buy your friend a seat alongside of us so you won’t have to run out to see him between acts.— Boston Courier.

Cass—But how do you know that was Benedict’s wife that sat beside him in the train? Bass—Why, didn’t you notice that he addressed all of his conversation to the lady in the next seat?—Boston Transcript Fond Father—l hardly know what business to put my son In. I know practically nothing about his ability. Friend—Take him for a sea voyage. That will show what there Is In him.— Philadelphia Record. “Mamie is such a conscientious little goose,” said one summer girl to another. “How’s that?” “She thinks she must go to the trouble of breaking one engagement before contracting another.”—Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph. Edwin—What do you think I have in this locket, dearest? The postage stamp on your last letter. It has been touched by your lips. It often touches mine. Angelina—Oh, Edwin, I’m so very sorry. I moistened that horrid postage stamp on Fido’s dear, damp nose!”—The Waterbury. “The summer girl is only a little lower that the angels,” remarked the young man In knickerbockers. “Wait until you pay for her ice cream, her boat rides, her merry-go-round trips, and you’ll think sho comes a good sight higher,” replied the cynic.—Yonkers Statesman.

“It’s a great pity,” said the convicted burglar to his lawyer, “that you couldn’t have made that closing speech of yours at the opening of the case.” “I don’t see that it would have made any difference.” “It would, though. Then the jury would have been asleep when the evidence came in and I’d have stood some show.”—Washington Star.