Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 30, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 August 1895 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Johnnie Knew A Kansas Man’s Yearning—Well Qualified —Why She Couldn’t Use Them, etc., etcJOHNNIE KNEW. The Teacher—Now, who can tell me which travels the faster—heat or cold ? Johnnie Bright (promptly)—Heat, of course. Anybody can catch cold. A KANSAS MAN’S TEABNING. Civilisation consists in putting on stiff collars and two layers of clothes in summer instead of a towel.—[Atchison Globe. WELL QUALIFIED. Farmer Jones —What hev yer lamed at yer college, son ? Son—Why, dad; I can throw the hammer further than anyone there. Farmer Jones—Thet’s good. I guess yer’ll hev no trouble in gittin’ er job in er blacksmith’s shop then. AN ENSTBANGEMENT Maude—How is your friend, Miss Flaunter, now. Ethel—She is no friend of mine. I’m not on speaking terms with her now: we only kiss when we meet. WHY SHE COULDN’T USE THEM. This is what was heard in a theatre the other night. They were in a private boz, and she was both pretty and well dressed. But she was in a bad temper because she could not see the stage. “Why,”said he, trying to mollify her, “did you not bring your opera glass ? ” “I did, but I can’t use it.” “Is it broken.” ‘ ‘No, but I forgot to put on my bracelets.”

NOT WABNED IN TIME. Teacher—ls you had told me the truth I shouldn’t have whipped you. Johnnie, (whimpering)—Why didn’t yer tell me that ’fore I told tlier lie. AN INQUIRY. “Where’s the bar.” said a dirty-looking stranger of a waiter at a hotel the other day. “What kind of a bar ?” asked the latter, “Wliy, a liquor bar, of course; what do you suppose I mean ?” “Well,” drawled the boy, “I didn’t know but you might mean a bar of soap.” TWO OF THEM. Tramp—Do you know what it is, sir, to be shunned by all; to not have the grasp of a single friendly hand? Stranger—ludeed, I do. I’m a life insurance agent. IN THE WRONG PEW. “I want to take out some life insurance,” he said. “Certainly,” exclaimed the active young man as lie hastily gathered an application. “What occupation, please?” “Baseball umpire.” “You’ll find the accident company just across the hall,” coldly came the active young man’s voice as he slowly laid his pen aside. A KIND HEART. Mrs. Kindle, (reading letter) —My goodness! Aunt Hetty, your great-aunt, you know, is coining on a visit, and may be here any moment. Daughter—Yes, ina. “You are younger than i am, dear. Hurry up to the attic and bring down that green pasteboard box lying among the old clothes and things in the corner.” “There are two green boxes there. Which do you want?” “Bring the one with those outlandish Christmas presents Aunt lletty sent us, and put them on tiie parlor table.”—New York Weekly. SHE LIKED HIM. Mrs. Gray—Strange that you should consult Dr. Jalap, when your husband is a physician. Mrs. Black —I find it more helpful to consult Dr. Jalap. Whdu I begin to tell him about my bad feelings he always asks me to hold out my tongue. But mv husband only tells me to hold it.”—Boston Transcript. REWARDED. “What a charitable woman Mrs. Gabberly is.” 1 ‘lsn’t she; why, when the Hinkley failure came on, she sent for Miss Hinkley and gave her all her summer and paid her fifty cents a day for it. iTwas nice of her, I think.” . “Very; she’ll get her reward some time.” “Yes; she’s had some reward already. She saved seventy-five cents a day on all the work Miss Hinkley did.”—Harper’s Bazar. A LAW-ABIDING GIRL. Mrs. Mcßride (entering the kitchen) — Bridget, didn’t I see that policeman kiss you? Bridget Well, mum, sure an’ yez wouldn’t hev me lay mesilf open to arrist for resistin’ au officer, mum.—Harper’s Bazar. A CONSIDERATE HOUSE-BREAKER. Husband—l’m sorry that burglar got your watch last night, my dear; but there’s one thing to be thankful for. Wife—What’s tiiat? Husband—He didn’t wake up the baby. —Tit-Bits. CRAZINESS. Tommy Paw, what makes people think the moon has anything to do with anybody being crazy? Mr. Figg—l don’t know. Probably the idea started in connection witii the honeymoon.—lndianapolis Journal. BY WAY OF ILLUSTRATION. Theodore^— Tell me, what is tho meaning of the expression, “pulling your leg?" Richard—l cau’t tell you in so many words; but I will illustrate. You haven’t $lO about you that you can let me have for a week or two? Thanks.—Boston Transcript. A QUESTION OF PEDIGREE. “Now who is that?” asked a diguified lien; “That chicken'in white and gray? She’s very well dressed, but from whence did she come? And her family, who are they? “She never can move in our set, my dear,’ Said the old hen’s friend to her, later; “I’ve just found out—you’ll be shocked to bear— She was hatched in an incubator!”