Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 28, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 July 1895 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Odd. Cnrlona and Laughable Phnare of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artiata of Our Own Day—A Budget of Fun. Sprinkles of Spice. In languid summer when each tree In lazy cadence rustles, The blithe mosquito seems to be The only thing that hustles. —Washington Star. Hoax—‘.‘That story of yours reminds me of a trampi” Joax—“How so?’ Hoax—“lt won’t wash.”—Philadelphia Record. The teacher—“ Now, who can tell me which travels the faster—heat or cold?’* Johnnie Bright (promptly)—“Heat, of course. Anybody can catch cold.”— Tld-Bits. Judge—“ You say you have some means of subsistence?” Tramp—" Yes, you honor." Judge—“ Then why is it not visible?” Tramp—“l ate It”—Harlem Life. Miss Parique—“ln New York do the prominent social lights smoke?” Miss Caustique— "Yes, particularly after they have been turned down.”—New York World. Briggs—“ You say the phrenologist who examined your head wasn’t very complimentary?” “Hardly. He told me I was fitted to be a leader in society.”—Life. “I’m going npw; yes, I’m going, goIng,” murmured Steigher. “What an excellent auctioneer you’d make,” said the heartless but tired Miss Nycegerl, —Boston Courier.

Tramp—“Do you know what it is, sir, to._be shunned by all; to not have the grasp of a single friendly hand?” Stranger—“lndeed, I db. I’m a life Insurance agent”—Judge. , First Carpenter—“l can’t see what you are driving at.” Second Carpenter (howling with pain)—“Well, I can now; I was driving at the nail, but hit my thumb.”—Boston Courier. Smallwort—“Well, I have to hunt up another cook. Our latest one left yesterday.” Ford—“ Did she basely desert you for gold?” “No. Copper.”—Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. First cycler (nearing a road-house)— Do you suppose we can get anything to drink there? Second cycler—Just look at the enormous aggregation of wheels in the carriage shed.—Life. Principal (to new apprentice)—“Has the book-keeper told you what you have to do in the afternoon?” Youth —“Yes, sir; I was to waken him when I saw you coming.”—Daheim. Stoutlady, atstreet crossing (to policeman)—“Could you see me across the' street, officer ?” Policeman—“jSure, madam, I could see ye tin times the distance, aisy.”—London Tid-Bits. Walk O. Nights—Doctor, what is a simple remedy for sleeplessness? Doc-tor-Let the person count intll he is asleep. Walk O. Nights—He can’t count It’s the baby.—Philadelphia Inquirer. “My face is my fortune, sir,” she said. “Er—excuse me, madam, but you can’t really mean it,” rejoined the astonished male. “Certainly. I’m the lady with the iron jaw in the dime museum.”—Washington Star. “Baker got into a rumpus with a policeman the other night,” said Pinkney. “He offered to bet the policeman he didn’t dare arrest him.” “What did the copper do?” “Took him up.”—Harper’s Bazar. ■'V'i'hat was the principal object of interest in America when you were there?” The eminent British novelist looked at his questioner with chilling scorn and replied: “I was, of course.”— Washington Star. “Begob,” said Mrs. Dolan, “that b’y Pat of ours’ll soon be knowin’ more than his father does.” “01’11 niver moind thot,” replied Dolan, “if he’ll go ahead an’ know it for sure insted av only thinkin’ he does.”—Washington Star. “You made a slight mistake in my poem this morning,”: said the poet “Sorry,” replied the editor. “What was it?” “Well, I wrote ‘The clouds hang murky o’er the west,’ and you make me say ‘The crowds hang turkey over my desk.’ ’’—Exchange. Upguardson—l had a singular experience last Tuesday. You remember it looked like rain and the weather prophets predicted rain ? Atom —Yes. “Well, I brought my umbrella, raincoat and rubber shoes dow town that morning.” “Yes.” “Well, It rained.’—Chicago Tribune.

“I have come to ask for your daughter’s hand, Mr. Herrick,” said young Waller nervously. “Oh, well, you can’t have it,”, said Herrick, “I’m not doling out my daughter on the installment plan. When you feel that you can support the whole girl, you may call again.” —Harper’s Bazar. Edward—lsn’t Dick going off in his writings? Forrest—l haven’t noticed it Edward—lt seems?to me that he has lost that exquisite delicacy of touch he used to have. Forrest (ruefully)—By Jove! You wouldn’t think so if you had seen him work me for ten this morning. —New Rochelle Life. Friend Perrichon, acompanied by his wife, took a tt-lp to the outskirts of Paris. Very tired and hungry, they entered an eating house. The proprietor declared that he had nothing but a chop to offer them. “Only one!” exclaimed Perrichon; “then what is my wife to have?”—Le Gaulois.