Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 27, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 July 1895 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS ANO YARNS BY FUNNY I MEN OF THE PRESS. No Contest--Just the Thing--The One Thing Lacking--A Splendid Man--Etc., Etc. NO CONTEST. Teddie—What are woman’s rights, pa? Pa —Everything they want, my boy; always remember that. JUST THE THING. Morton —What do you intend doing with that mouse? Baldwin —Use him for bait. Morton (astonished) —For bait? Baldwin—Yes. I am going to try to catch some catfish. THE ONE THING LACKING. “I hear. Miss Impecune, that you have the bicycle craze.” “Yes. That is, I have the craze, butT’m sorry to say that,l haven’t the bicycle.” A SPLENDID MAN. Husband—Do you think that doctor you have is doing you any good? Wife—lndeed he is. He has just told me that nothing but a trip to Europe would save me. HOW IT STRIKES EACH. Wife—That’s a perfect dream of a bonnet. Husband—Yes; but I’ll bet it cost a regular nightmare of a price.

LITTLE THINGS THAT WORRY. “What is the matter, old felliw; you look worried?” “Well, I am. I’m being dunned up hill and down dale by my creditors.” “Oh, you owe a large sum of money?” “No; but a great number of small sums—and debts are like children, the smaller they are the more bother they are.” ONLY FAIR. “This is passing strange” said the passenger as the conductor handed back to him the lead nickel. “Not so much as it is passing queer,” returned the conductor, as he forgot to ring up the next fare. THE NEW WOMAN. “Caroline I” In the darkness of nighthe clutched the coverlet wildly, “Caroline,” he gasped, “I’m sure there’s a woman in the house!” But his wife only laughed at his terror,' and with a little moan he covered up his head. trouble expected. First Doctor—What do you have to stay in your office to-night for? Second Doctor—Expect a call to attend Hadley’s family. First Doctor—Why, they’re not sick. Second Doctor—No, but I just'saw Hadley take home a chafing dish, together with a book on “How to Prepare Your Own Food.” A WESTERN VERDICT. Coroner (of Woollytown)—What is your verdict, gentlemen of the jury, as to the deceased’s death? Jury—Thet he committed suicide by not drawin’ his gupln time. NOT A FAIR TEST. Charlie came crying from school. “What’s the matter, now?” asked his father. “Teacher said I didn’t pass mv examination,” wailed Charlie, “and I’d just like to know how she could tell—she only asked me the things that I didn’t know.” SPOILING THE JOB. Jaggies—The man was lying in the street where he had tried to kill himself. I began to question him and it seemed to make h m angry. Waggles—No wonder When a man has gone to the trouble to poison himself he doesn’t like to be pumped.

AN EXCUSABLE TIP. Bilkins—Seems to me the custom of tipping is spreading everywhere. It’s outrageous! ” Wilkins—ln some cases it is excusable. “I’d like to know in what cases?” “Well, you can’t get weighed without tipping the beam, you know.” OXLY DODGE THEM. Doctor—The bicycle gives people the best exercise in the world. Patient—But I can’t afford to ride a bicycle. Doctor —Oh, you don’t need to ride one. DAY DREAMS. Farmer—Look how many blossoms are on those trees. If every blossom would bring forth an apple I would be rich next fall. Dr. Bolus—And if every apple were eaten when green, and every eater got a colic, my fortune would be made right off. A SAD CASE. De Chappie—lf there’s any one nuisance I hate more than another, it’s a fellow who is always going around introducing people. There’s Goodheart, for instance. Bouttown—What’s he been doing? De Chappie—The fool! the other day he introduced me to a man I owe money to, and I’d been owing it so long he’d forgotten all about me. Now I’ll have to pay or be sued.