Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 26, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 July 1895 — HOMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HOMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Odd, Curious and Laughable Phase* of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artista of Oar Own Day—A Budget of Fan, Sprinkles of Spice. Trilby, Trilby, give us your answer true, What in the name of goodness have wa ever done to you? —Town Topics. Miss Cross —What would you do if you were in my shoes? Miss Sharpe— Turn my toes out—Yonkers Statesman. “Aw—why do you make your own cigarettes?” “My—aw—doctor ordered me to take some light exercise.” —Pall Mall Budget. Cittlcus—l wonder how it is that so few women stutter when they talk? Witticus —They haven’t time.—Tammany Times. Chimmie—Wot’s de matter wid you? Chonnie—l’m sick. De doctor says I’ve got an ulster in my t’roat—Philadelphia Record. She—Tell me, when you were In the aymy, were you cool in the hour of danger? He—Cool? I actually shiv-ered.—Tid-Bits. The boy stood on the burning deck, And said, “As I’m alive, This weather makes me thing of June In 1895.” —Washington Star. She—What kind of a lawn mower did you get, dearie? He—l got a featherweight, darling, so you can push it— Louisville Courier-Journal. New Arrival—Are all your rooms engaged? Hotel Proprietor—Yes; but there are a lot of summer girls about here who aren’t. —Philadelphia Record. Maud—That stupid fellow proposed to me last night He ought to have known beforehand that I should refusa him. Marie —Perhaps he did.—Brooklyn Life.

“Oh, wed with me; oh, be my wife, I’ll be the sunshine of your life.” “Sunshine! Horrors!” said the maid, “Such talk at ninety In the shade!” —lndianapolis Journal. Summer Resorter—And Is everything on your farm nice and fresh? Farmer —Nice and fresh? I guess you’d think so if you’d see some of our city boarders.—Boston Transcript First Sojourner—Do you always get your meals on time here? Second Sojourner—Yes; I have to till some of my friends show up, I’m deucedly glad to see you.—Boston Courier. Miss Oldgirl—You must promise not to kiss me while I am unconscious. Dentist—l shall do nothing of the kind. Miss Oldgirl (with a happy sigh)—Turn on the gas.—Leslie’s Weekly. Experience in the world’s ways shows That as a general rule The politici&h WhS has the push Is the one who has the pull. —Boston Courier. Guest—By Jove, I’ve eaten such a hearty dinner that I guess I’ll have to go up stairs and sleep it off. Hotel Clerk—ln that ease, we’ll have to charge you with a meal taken to your room.—Life. “What is thg new boarder’s business, Pauline?” asked the Cheerful Idiot. “Heisrunninga bicycle school,” replied the waiter girl. “Oh! Teaching the young idea how to scoot, is he?—Cincinnati Tribune.

Jester—Of course you’ve heard the latest about Boozeman; he Isn’t drinking any more. Quester—Don’t say; well, that’s to his credit. Jester—Oh, no; it is to his sack of credit.—Richmond Dispatch. Mr. Busymau—l have been summoned sos jury duty; how can I get off? Lawyer—Oh, just let them see that you know how much two and two make, and they’ll excuse you in a jiffy.— Brooklyn Eagle. He—l hear you attend the Handel and Haydn performances. Were you present at the “Creation?” She (indignantly)—l suppose you will next want to know if I sailed in Noah’s ark? —Boston Beacon. “Fact is,” said one man, “I married because I was lonely as much as for any other reason. To put it tersely, I married for sympathy.” “Well,” said the other man, “you have mine.”—lndianapolis Journal. Miss Kenneth—How Is it that you do not use the telephone in Russia? Mr. Potter—Well, you see, “hello” in Russia is “tzizakenfitkrajanjanski”—hence the telephone has not been introduced into that country.—Truth. Willie S.—Mamma says she always likes to call on you. Mrs. Twickenham (highly gratified)—Does she, Willie? Willie—Yes’m. When she goes away she says she so satisfied with herself.—Brooklyn Life.

“But, papa,” pleaded; the impassioned midden', “hel'ls the ofily man I love.” “That’s right,” replied the brutal old man; W I am. glad that a daughter of mine does not love mpjqe than one man at a time.”—Household Words. “sfhdaDßes’ t hegah Mr. Dismal Dawson, “you see before you a victim of clfcvjmstances.” “Ob, I do?" said the suspicious lady. “What circumstances?” Straitened circumstihces, 1 ! tna’am.”—lndianapolis Journal. Mr. Ennicott—There’s a lot of steamer trunks piled out conspicuously In front of Mrs. Slimpocket’s house Waiting for the expressman. What does that mean? Mrs. Ennicott (with scorn) —lt means that she’s going down to her uncle’s farm to spend the summer.— Chicago Record.

“I have a trained seal,” said the Englishman. ‘‘lt can be hitched to a boat, and will drag my children about on my private lake just as $ pony will drag a cart” “That’s very idee,” said the takes its fun off in winter and lends it to my wife for a. sacque.”—Harper’s Bazar. Mrs. Fadder—What is your opinion of the new vvoman, Mr. Fogg? Fogg— From the sounds icorne from the kitchen I should sa/that she is quite as expert at breaking as the old one.—Boston Transcript