Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 25, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 28 June 1895 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Odd, Curious and Laughable Phaaea of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artiata of Our Own Day—A Budget of Fan. Sprinkles of Spice. His teeth are loose and his nose Is a sight, And his head!—they’vo In bandages bound It; He went out to look for trouble last night And he found it —Boston Courier. Wyld—Can’t you overcome your thirst for rum? Tramp—Yes, sir, with a dime.—l,if e. He—l’ve been watching for a chance to kiss you for the last ten minutes. She—You must be near-sighted.—Life. He You reject me because I am poor. Heiress—Say, rather, that you are poor because I reject you.—Boston Transcript.

The Soft Answer—He (Just proposed) You hesitate. Have I a rival, then? She—Oh, no. On the contrary, you are my fiance's rival.—Vogue. “Father,” said the boy,” “what is Insolvent?” “Insolvent,” was the reply, “is merely a long word used to describe a short condition.”—Household Words. She—l have an instinctive feeling that I can trust you. He (passionately! Ah, my darling, would that some others felt that way!—New York Herald. '"You used to do a little trading on ’Change, didn’t you, Higgs?” “Yes.” “Were you a bull or a bear?” “Neither, Blobbs. I was a lamb.”—Chicago Tribune. New Boarder—What’s the row upstairs? Landlady—lt’s the professor of hypnotism trying to get his wife's permission to go out this evening.— Spare Moments. “I hear, Miss Impecune, that you have the bicycle craze.” “Yes. That is, I have the craze, but I’m sorry to say that I haven’t the bicycle.”—Harper’s Bazar. This world’s a most eccentric place— The thought we can’t dislodge— One-half is begging for the work The other wants to dodge. —Washington Star. Stern Father of the Girl—l saw you kiss my daughter as I passed the parlor a while ago, and I want you to know I don’t like it Young Man—You may not, but I do.—Boston Globe. Proud Father —This is a sunset my daughter painted. She studied painting abroad, you know. Friend—Ah! that explains it. I never saw a sunset like that in this country.—Tid-Bits. Perdita—lf you continue much longer to play poker with my father I won’t marry you. Jack Dashing—ls ypqr father continues to play poker much longer with me I won't need to.—Princeton

Tiger. '' Landlord Logic.—Prospective Tenant —I like the top floor best. Why doesn’t the fireescape go lower than the third floor? Agent—lt isn’t needed. The first three floors are empty.- Harper’s Bazar, New r woman has a lot to learn, Emerging from her prison. The new man says it’s now his turn To talk; slie-’s got to listen. —New York Recorder. Little Miss Muggs (haughtily)—My sister never goes out without a chaperon. Little Miss Freckles (disdainfully)—My sister wouldn’t be allowed to, either, if she was like your sister.—Chicago News. Father—Fritz, I saw you last evening helping home an intoxicated student Don’t do it again; it makes a bad impression. Fritz—Oh, that’s all right. I only did it to get even with him.—Fliegende Blaetter. Figg—Wonder why it is that these professional pugilists are such confounded talkers. Fogg—Perhaps it is because of a determination on their part never to be struck speechless Boston Transcript. “I’m very much afraid,” his mother said, “that this pie needs more shortening.” “Mamma,” said the boy In an audible undertone, “that isn’t what my piece needs.” “Isn’t it?” “No’m. My piece needs lengthening.”—Washington Star.

Mrs. White —And do you mean to say that you and your husband always agree about everything? Mrs. Black— Always; except, of course, now and then when he’s out of humor or pigheaded, or something of that sort!— Boston Transcript Roddster—l say, old fellow, cart you lend us a pair of scales for a few days? Married Chum—We have a pair, but sorry to say they are out of order; they weigh heaVy. Roddster (excitedly)—The vcjy thing; we’re going fishing! —Boston Courier. Outertown (enthusiastically)—'Citily, old man, you ought to move put to Lonely wood. Its peacefulness and quiet would make you live twice as long as yoU will. Citily—But if I re living out there 1 shouldn’t care to live twice as long.—Judge. “Only think,” exclaimed Henderson, “of the many uses to which paper is now put!” “I know,” replied Bass. “I was at the theater the other night, and I was told it was all paper. And it waa a fine, substantial-looking structure, too.”—Boston Transcript. “I heard, sir, that you said my piano playing sounded part of the time as if I were jumping on the keys with both feet.” “Exactly, madam. I referred to the pianissimo passages. Any one who would stop to think would know that such small and delicate feet aa yours could only produce the softest effects.’*—Washington Star.