Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 23, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 June 1895 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Curious and Laughable Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day—A Budget of Pun. Sprinkles of Bpice. Though the new woman to usurp . Man’s rightful place aspires, She’ll still permit him to get up And build the morning fires. —Kansas City Journal. Son—And what does father do for hfs country? Mother —Nothing whatever, my dear; he is a member of Congress. —Boston Bulletin. He—You are the only girl who can make me happy. She (eoquettishly)— Sure? He —Yes; I have tried all the others.—Tid-bits. “No, Maud, dear, the quarter-deck of an excursion steamer is not so called because you can get a seat on it for 25 cents.’’—Philadelphia Record. Oldun—The girls are not so attractive as they were when I was a young man. Youngun—Don’t you mean they are not so attracted?—Cincinnati Tribune. “That last poem of Jones’ has the right ring.” said the editor. “How so?" “When I opened it a silver dollar dropped out!”—Atlanta Constitution. He—Why does Miss Middleage persist In singing “My Sweetheart's the Man in the Moon?” She—Because he can’t come down and deny it—Harper’s Bazar. “Money talks,” said the oracular boarder. “It talks pretty conclusively,” admitted the Cheerful Idiot, “but at times it gets rattled.”—lndianapolis Journal.

“Did you look at that bill I left yesterday, sir?” said a collector to a member of Congress. “Yes,” was the reply. “It has passed first reading.”—Exchange. . Undergrad Bummler (espying his tailor and his shoemaker sitting together in a tavern)—Donnerwetter! A meeting of creditors, I do believe!—Dorfbarbler. “Blessed if I ain't a regular Trilby,” muttered the man in the crowd after being stepped on halt a dozen times; “everybody gets on to my feet”—Boston Transcript Mrs. Grill—Oh, dear! I’ve sung to this baby for an hour, and she hasn’t stopped crying yet Mr. Grill—Probably she has been waiting for you to stop.— Boston Courier. Ford—Your lawyer made some pretty severe charges against the other fellow, didn’t he? Smallwort—Y-e-e-s, but you ought to see how he charged me.—Cincinnati Tribune. Teacher—Which letter is the next one to the letter “H?” Boy—Dunno, ma’am. Teacher—What have I on both sides of my nose? Bey—Freckles, ma’am.— New York Herald.

Abbott—l have never been in Chicago, but I have been through the town a few times. Babbitt—l have been in Chicago, but the town went through me—lndianapolis Journal. Justice —You are charged with stealing Col. Julep’s chickens; have you any witnesses? Uncle Mose—l heb not; I don’t steal chickens befo’ witnesses.— Browning, King & Co.’s Monthly. “The curious thing about my business,” said the mosquito, alighting softly upon the nose of the sleeping victim, “is that it’s more fun to go to work than It is to stay to hum.”—Chicago Tribune. Weary Wiggins (handing dipper)— You look dry. Here’s a drink of water. Wayside Husks (waving the dipper away)—What’s the use of spoiling a good thirst like I’ve got?—Chicago Record. Miss Wellalong—l think I made quite a sensation in my antique costume at the levee last qvening. Miss Marketmade—Oh, decidedly! Everybody exclaimed, “How. appropriate!”—Boston Transcript. Mr. Figg—Do you know, my boy, that it hurts me worse than it does you when I give you a whipping? TomHonest, paw? “Yes.” “Just gimme another lickin’ now, will you paw?”— Cincinnati Tribune.

“She treated you pretty shabbily.” “Yes. She’s angry with some one.” “With you?” “Oh, no; not with me.” “How do you know?” “Because I’m the one she’s venting her feelings on.” —Chicago Evening Post. Johnny—“ Maw, I should think it would be a heap more careless to cast pearls before chickens than to cast ’em before swine.” His mother—“ Why so, Johnny?” Johnny—“ ’Cause they’d eat ’em.”—Chicago Tribune. Rollingstone Nomoss—“Did you ever hear about Ragsey’s financial difficulty V” Taterdon Torn—“No, what was it?” Rollngstone Nomoss—“Some gent give ’im a quarter, an’ he swallowed it.” —Philadelphia Record. “And you say your father is interested in me?” said Mr. Stalate, greatly pleased. “He seems so,” she answered. “He worried about your health.” “My health?” “Yes. He thinks you have insomnia.”—Washington Star. Papa (soberly)—“That was quite a monstrosity you had in the parlor one evening.” Grace, nettled that must depend upon one’s understanding of the tern ‘monstrosity.’ ” Papa, thoughtfully—“ Well, two heads upon one pair of shoulders, for example.”—Boston Globe. First new woman—“ That Mrs. Umphry is horribly lacking in manners.” Second new woman—“ What is the matter?” First new woman—“l saw her in a street car the other day when a number of gentlemen entered, and she never offered to give up her seat to them.”—Chicago Record.