Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 21, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 31 May 1895 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Appearances Are Often Deceptive--Th* Only One Doing Anything -- Experience--That Reminded Him, Etc., Etc. APPEARANCES OFTEN DECEPTIVE. Tramp—Please, mum, I'm almost starv’d. Housekeeper—l saw you enter half a dozen houses before you got to this | one, and you staid a good while in | each. Tramp—Yes, mum, but they was ! all boardin’ houses. THE ONLY ONE DOING ANYTHING. ‘•How’s all the boys makin’out now?” ‘‘None of ’em a doin’ anything, ’ceptin’ of Jim.” ‘‘An’ what’s Jim a doin’ of?” ‘‘Loafin’ around!” EXPERIENCE. He—Now, darling, I shall go and ask your father for you. She—He won’t give his consent. He—How do you know? She —Because four or live have tried it before you. THAT REMINDED HIM. Farmer Poore —Marindy, I see in the paper they’s a man out in Grand Rapids that’s walkin’ around without any brains. Mrs. Poore —Well, Jabez, I know a man closter Rome that’s in the same fix. Farmer Poore—Oh! That kindlin’ wood? I’ll fetch it right in. now NICK. Miss Bellefield —I intend to treat Mr. Van Braam like one of the family. Miss Bloomfield —What on earth do you mean, Carrie? Miss Bellefield—When he proposes I’ll tell him I’ll be a sister to him. NOT ALWAYS A GOOD PLAN. Daughter—You told me that when I wanted a favor of my husband I should ask him after dinner.. The first time I tried it he not only refused, but he was just as cross and ugly as ho could be. He never refused mo anything before —boo, hoo, hoo! Mother —Bless me, my dear, you shouldn’t have asked him after a dinner that you had cooked yourself. china’s need. What China needs To romove the tarnish Is a few dabs more Of Japan varnish. STRONG LOCKS. Bilzer—How is it that your wig never falls olf, Zabzin? Zabzin—Easy onough; the locks on it do the business. SCIENTIFICALLY CONSIDERED. Mother—What’s that smacking noise in the parlor? Studious boy (who goes to school) —lt’s sister and her young man exchanging microbes. it’s one drawback. Mrs. Homer—Dear me, I must commence housecleaning to-morrow, and I hate it! Mr. Homer—Why, how is that? Mrs. Homer—lt dirties everything up so. THE NEW MAN. Wadsworth—Well, well, well! If this isn’t Billy Brown. How aro you, old man, anyway? The late Billy Brown—l am not Billy Brown any longer. lam Mr. Simpkins. I have married since wo met last. DISTINCTION. “ In all my career,” said the eminent statesman, ‘‘l can say that I have never done anything to be ashamed of.” ‘‘You. mean,” sneered the cynic, “that you have never done anything you were ashamed of.”

AN OKLAHOMA COURTSHIP. Miss Gladys Mork—How did you come to accept Alkali Ike? Miss Birdie Slade—Because he was so brave and fearless. Why, when I asked him to do something heroic to prove his love for me he whooped and swore and kicked the chairs over till paw got out of bed and came downstairs, as mad as a hornet, to quiet the uproar. And then Ike jumped on to him and licked him in less than three minutes. And you know paw has always been considered one of the hardest men in the county to handle. MARBIKD YOUNG. He—You think you are too young to marry? Why, my mother married at 14. She —That’s nothing; my mother married before I was born. A QUESTION OF CLUBS. Miss Beacon Street—Then, you know, we have our Browning clubs. Miss Manhattan (contemptuously) —Oh, our cooking clubs go a little further than the proper coloring of baked beans. A SIGN. Daughter—l wouldn’t be surprised if Mr. Lingerly proposed this evening. I just got a lovely note from him. Mother—Did you? Did he ask if you would be at home? Daughter —No. He asked if pa would be. TOO COOL FOK COMFORT. She —Tell me; when you were .In the army were you cool in the hour of danger? He —Cool? I actually shivered. EQUAL TO IRVING* Amateur Actor (to friend) —What did you think of my Hamlet, Charley? Dear Friend—lmmense. In one part of the play you were equal to Irving. Amateur Actor—What part was that, Charley? Dear Friend—Where I’olonius gives his parting advice to Laertes. Amateur Actor—But I was behind the scenes then. Dear Friend—So is Irving.