Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 20, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 May 1895 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. A Good Place to Learn--An Interesting Question--The Fate of the Finger, Etc., Etc. THE FATE OF THE FIKGER. “You’ll get it!” jeered the spoon, i when the finger got smeared with molasses. “Get wjjat?” “A licking.” THE FINANCIAL ASrKCT. “They tell me that a bicyle saves a man money." “Well,” replied Wliykins, thoughtfully, “I probably would never have collected ray accident insurance if it hadn’t been for one.” HER EXCUSE. The Rev. Mr. Primly—l was sorry to see you come late to church yesterday. Miss Flutter —But you’ll forgive me, doctor. You know a new bonnet can only be worn once for the first time. PITTTIXG HIM DOWN She—l can’t help thinking I have seen your portrait in the newspapers somewhere. He—Oh, no doubt; it’s often been published. She —Then I am not mistaken. What were you curod of? AS USUAL The Major (after his war lecture) -—Yes, air, when I stepped on the stage, I give you my word. I felt more frightened than if I had faced the efnemy on the field of battle. Wagson—l suppose you felt like turning your back on the whole crowd. A CONTRARY PERSON. Mrs. ('riinsonbeak —That Mrs. Bacon is a very contrary person, don’t you think? Mrs. Yeast —What makes you think so? "Why, only yesterday she gave a ‘5 o’clock tea’at 4 o’clock, and had nothing but cocoa.” TO MAKE THE FOURTEENTH. Maud—Willie, I wish you hadn’t proposed to me to-night. Willie—Why, pray? Maud—Because you made the thirteenth, and now I am actually compelled to encourage old Van Gotrocks to propose, so as to break thb spell of bad luck. ms LOGIC. Boy—Matnma, who Is that with the short hair and divided skirts and glasses on? Mother—Hush, son; that’s the new woman. Boy—Oh, mamma, what a fib! She ain’t the new woman. She’s older than grandma. PROFESSION AND PRACTICE. “Do any of you ladies believe in advanced women?” shouted the car conductor, putting his head in at the car door. “Yes, we do,” replied a woman holding on to a strap. “Well, thon, move forward.” SCIENTIFIC TAXATION. Mrs. Cuto—Now, if our income is over $4,001), we have to pay the Government, don’t wo? Mr. Cute (filling up blanks in his return) —Yep. Mrs. Cute —Well, if we have less than $4,000 does the Government pay us anything? \ AN IDLE MAID WITH HANDS. A boarding school inspector, who was examining children in Hampshire the other day, gave a few questions to bo answered in writing -by them. Among them was the following: Q. What is a graven imhge? A. (Written by child); An kilo maid with hands. GETTING EVEN WITH HIM. Excited Stranger (rushing into the young Jawyer’s office) —Say, a feller down on the street just called me an unmitigated blatherskite— Young Lawyer—Why, certainly, certainly. Just sit down and I will make out a complaint— ■, , Stranger—And I thought I would like to borrow your dictionary long enough to hunt up some good long words that would knock him silly.

AN INTERESTING yUESTION. Tom—How many intimate girl friends have you? Kitty—Oh, I couldn’t say. Tom—How many have you that you kiss? Kitty—l don’t know. How many have you? A DEADLY IMPLEMENT. Fuddy—You say that Cheffrey has slain his thousands. Has he been a soldier, or are you only joking and mean that he is a physician? Buddy—My dear fellow, I never was more serious in my life. No, sir, he is neither soldier nor doctor. He is the publisher of a cook book. A CHANCE MEETING IN THE DESERT. The Arab sheik halted his camel and addressed the stranger. “Stranger,” lie said, “art thou of the faith of Islam?” “Nay,” answered the wayfarer, whose tongue clove to the roof of his mouth in his agony of thirst. “I am not yet of the faith, but I am, indeed, a well-wisher!” ALL IT CALLED FOR.' Haverly—Upson Downes lighted his cigar with? the pawn ticket of his dress suit the other day by mistake. So he took the ashes of the ticket to the pawnbroker. Austen—What did they say? Haverly—They said that they had a fire the day before, and handed him the ashes of his dress suit. EXPLAINED. “It seems to me, Bobbie,” said his teacher, “chat a boy who can write his letters as well as you do ought to be ashamed to be so stupid about learning to read.” ■■ ‘‘Well, you see, Miss J said Eiobbie, “when I grow up I’m going to write books, so I" don’t need! to know how to read, but writing i* necessary.'*

A SCmE CO.vSEQtTEXCE. Wife—Why, Charles, what da you mean by burning your old love letters? Husband—l have been reading them, my dear, and it occurred to mo that after I die some one who wished to break my will might get hold of them aud use them to prove I was insane. A GOOD PLACE TO LEARN'. “Can you swim, little boy?” “Yes. sir.’’ “Where did you learrt?” “In the water, sir.” STOOD THE TEST WELL. “Mildred has positive proof that her fiance has a remarkably equable temper,” said ono sweet young thing to another sweet young thing as they role togetlier on the Fifth avenue cable line. “How did she get the proof.” "She made him take her to a piano rocitul of severely classical music, and he sat through the entire evening without a murmur or a single oynica! remark.”