Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 18, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 May 1895 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Odd, Curious and Laughable Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Onr Own Day—A Budget of Fun. Sprinkles of Spice. “Don’t you think the man who marries for money is a fool?” “He is, unless he gets it in advance.”—lndianapolis Journal. Fuddy—The villain! But you made him swallow his words?” Duddy— How could I, when they were so bitter?—Boston Transcript “Want any mouse traps? Come buy one, do!” “No, thanks; we have no mice.” “Ach, I’ll throw ’em in with pleasure!”—Humoristiscbes. In the Gloaming.—She (pointing at at a star) —Ah, there is Orion. Voice (from the darkness) —Yez are mistaken, mum, it’s O’Reilly.—Life. Wool—l don’t see how a dealer can afford to iron all the silk hats he sells Van Pelt —Has to do it; they’d last too long if he didn’t—Harlem Life. “Beg pardon, but what did you say was the name of your Kentucky friend?” “Col. Vandewater.” “Col. Vande—what?”—Cincinnati Tribune. Jaggers (weakly facetious) Th—think I was a burglar, m’ dear? Mrs. Jaggers—No! A burglar wouldn’t have taken half the time to get in!—Life. Blobbs—What’s the difference between gloves and policemen? Slobbs —Give it up. Blobbs—Well, gloves are usually on hand.—Philadelphia Record. Miss McFlirter—l have refused seven offers of marriage since last season. Miss C. Vere—Quite a sleight-of-hand performer, aren’t you?—New York Ledger. Wife—Mrs. Aller has gone abroad to be treated by a Parisian physician. Husband—So? She always had a predilection for French heels.—Boston Transcript “Why do you punch that hole in my ticket?” asked a little man of the railroad conductor. “So you can pass through,” was the reply.—Boston Commercial Bulletin.

“I see you have a safe in your din-ing-room,” said Perkins, who was visiting Jarley. “Is that for your silver?” “No; that’s my wine-cellar,” said Jarley.—Harper’s Bazar. Mrs. Kicksey—Why do you suppose the high hat is making so much trouble? Kicksey—Because there’s a woman at the bottom of it, of course.— Philadelphia Inquirer. “Jinkins, I believe you have some of the elements of a success about you.” “Not a„dollar, old man. Honor bright. You’d be welcome to it if I hau.”—Chicago Tribune. “Will you have, the chicken dressed?” asked the poulterer. “No,” replied young Mrs. Hunnimune; “you may send it to me—er—in the altogether.”—Washington Star. First Actor—What, don’t you like this play? I know one man, now, who thinks it is simply great Second Actor—Who is that? First Actor—The author. —Somerville Journal. Prospective Tenant (to agent)—You say this house is just a stone's throw from the depot Well, all I have to say is I have great admiration for the man who threw the stone.—Life. “Yes,” remarked the telephone girl as she gazed out at the waves and wondered what their number was, “I am connected with the best families in our city.”—lndianapolis Sentinel--Bouncing lawyer—“ Then you are prepared to swear that the parties came to high words?” Coster witness—“ Nay. I didna say that. I should say they was particularly low words.” Sheffield Week.

“Don’t you think that a good many of these Easter bonnet jokes are overdrawn?” she inquired. “Yes,” replied her cheerless husband; “and a good many bank accounts.”—Washington Star. Johnny Smart—“ There’s a big difference between my teacher and a streak of lightning.” Mrs. Smart—“ How so, son?” Johnny Smart—“He strikes several times in the same place.”—Philadelphia Inquirer. She—“l think there is considerable room for improvement in ladies’ dresses nowadays.” He—“'Well, in the sleeves especially, I should say there was room enough for almost anything.”—Yonkers Statesman. Professor—“To what did Xenophon owe his reputation?”. Student—“ Principally to the fact that his name commenced with X, and came in so handy for headlines in alphabetical copy books.”—Pearson’s Weekly. Mrs. Gray (to friend who has been to the prayer meeting)—“Did you have a good meeting?” Mrs. White—“ Rather uninteresting. None of the men who spoke had ever done anything bad.”— Bostpn Transcript. Julia—“Do you consider Mr. Nippy a mean man?” , Nellie—“ Mean? Not only mean, but cowardly. Why, he never will take a seat in a street car for fear he will have to give it up to some woman.” —Boston Transcript. Hoax —“I see they have a new name for those high buildings which are being erected.” Joax—“lndeed? What is it?” Hoax—“ They are called serial buildings, because they are continued stories.”—Philadelphia Ledger. “My mother-in-law never understands a joke,” says a correspondent “So I was surprised to receive a letter from her a few weeks after my little boy had swallowed a farthing, in which the last words were, ‘Has Ernest gotten over his financial difficulties yet?’ •Tld-Blts.