Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 18, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 May 1895 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Unavoidable--In the Menagerle--Uncertain--Under Subjugatlen--Eto., Eto. UNAVOIDABLE. “William,” said Cholly Anglomane, as he laid down his newsi paper, “I shall be obliged to dispense with youah services heahafter.” “Whathave I done, sir?” “Nothing at all. my good fellow. You’re a vewey good man, and I hate to paht with you. But the Pwinceof Wales has just discharged his man, so I cawn’t help myself." IN THE MENAGERIE. “If this place should catch fire what would you do? ” asked the giraffe of the elephant. “I’d pick up my trunk and run for the entrance. What would you do ?” “I’d go to that window and slide down my neck to the sidewalk,” said the giraffe, with a wink at the monkeys. UNCERTAIN. “Were you ever up before me?” asked a Police Justice. ‘Shure I don’t know, yer anner. What time does yer anner get up?” UNDER SUBJUGATION. “Are you married?” said the manager to a man who was looking for a situation. “No, sir.” “Then I can’t employ yon. I have a place into which I could put you, but we engage only married men.” “May I ask the reason of this discrimination? Is it that families may be provided with support? ” “Not at all. It is because we find that married men know better how to obey than bachelors.” EXPLAINED. “Why do you punch that hole in my ticket? ” asked a little man of the railroad conductor. “So you can pass through,” was the reply. UNSATISFACTORY. Minnie—ls “dude” good English? Mamie—Most of them are very poor imitations. NO ESCAPE. Mrs. Getthere (enthusiastic worker at church fair) —Now, Mr. Slimpurse, you really must take a chance in this beautiful pipe; you really must. Just think, the pipe is worth S2O, and the chances are only $1 each. Mr. Sllmpurse (edging off) —Very sorry, madame, but I don’t smoke. Mrs. Getthere—Oh, but you can learn, you know. Mr. Slimpurse—Tobacco does not agree with me. I would have no earthly use for a pipe. Mrs. Getthere (struck with a bright idea)—Well, there isn’t the slightest probability of your drawing it, you know. UNDERSTOOD HIS BUSINESS. Irate Customer—See here! All my friends are laughing at this bargain suit I bought of you. They say it’s a mile too big. Dealer (gently)—Mine frient, I know de cloding peesness hotter dan your frients do. Shust you vait till it rains. THROUGH NO FAULT OF HER OWN. “Miss Skylie appears to have lost her attractiveness for thp gentlemen,” said one girl. “Oh, no,” replied the other; “she didn’t lose it. Her father lost it in Wall Street.” NOT LACKING IN ANCESTORS. Aristocratic Father—And your ancestors? Aspiring Youth—Oh, I have ’em. I had a father and mother, and so did all their people before them. HOW IT GOT OUT. Mrs. Gadd —Oh! have you heard the news? Miss De Ledger and her father’s bookkeeper wer® secretly married six months ago. Mrs. Gabb—Dear me! How did it leak out? Mrs. Gadd —Some one overheard them quarreling. BABY’S MASTERPIECE. “I’m sure that baby is going to be a great artist,” said the fond mother. “Isn’t he rather young to evince any talent?” “That’s just where he shows his genius. I left him where he could get some red ink on his fingers, and before I knew what he was doing he had decorated the library wall with one of the loveliest magazine posters you ever saw.” BROADMINDED. “Van Dabbles is very kindly disposed toward his brethren in art. He has a good word for nearly everybody’s work.” “Yes,” replied Miss Pepperton, “even his own.” DISAPPOINTED. Mrs. Wickwire threw down the paper in a way that betokened some irritation. “What’s the matter, dear?” asked Mr. Wickwire. “Oh, nothing.” “Oh, yes, there was 'something. What was it?” “Well, if you must know, I saw a line in the paper about ‘Chinese worsted’ and it turned out to be something about that tiresome war. I thought it was some new kind of dress goods.” ( FORGOT HIS NAME. Magistrate—“ Why didn't you answer to your name?” Vagrant—“ Beg parding, jedge, but I forgot wot name I gave las’ night.” Magistrate—“ Didn’t you give your own name?” Vagrant—No, jedge, I’m travelin’ incog.” MONEY THAT DOESN'T TALK. “Paw, what does it mean when they say money talks?” asks Johnny. “It means,” said Mr. Billus, after reflecting a moment, “that it sometimes helps a man that’s got it to talk a little louder than the other fellow.”

“Does all money talk?” persisted Johnny. “N-no. Not exactly.” “Then money that can’t talk is hash money, ain't it?” “Er —ah—haven’t you anything to do? Suppose you go out and bring in your kindling wood.”