Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 17, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 May 1895 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Hush Money--His Aunt's VisUor--Within Bounds--A Birthday Surprise, Etc., Etc. HUSH MONEY. “What is this hush money I’ve heard so much about?*’ “Er-well, it’s the kind that speaks for itself?” his aunt’s visitor. Little boy—Mr. Baldie comes here pretty often, doesn’t he? Does he come to see you? Maiden aunt—Te-he! I suppose he does. Little boy—Mebby he wants you to adopt him. WITHIN BOUNDS. Mother —So Mrs. Nexdoor treated you to cookies? I hope you did not make a pig of yourself. Johnny—No, indeed. A pig could eat about a bushel. I didn't have over a peck. A BIRTHDAY SURPRISE. Little Fannie —Mamma, this is your birthday, and I’m going to surprise you with a bunch of flowers. “Where did you get them,Fannie?” “Off your Easter hat, mamma.” FOREWARNED. Dashway—Did you tell the Briderleys that I was going to call there last night? Cleverton—Yes. How did you know? Dashway—The wedding present I gave them was in the front parlor. NOT SURPRISED. Bass—Do you know that Fenderson is a regular lady killer? Cass —I suspected as much from what he said about the woman in the big hat just in front of him fit the theater the other night. HIS PET GRIEVANCE. “What makes you look so unhappy while you are singing?” asked a friend of the tenor of a prominent church. “Put yourself in my place,” said the tenor, crossly. “As soon as I reach my solo the soprano begins to flirt with the bass and the members of the congregation are so diverted by them that they pay no attention to me. Is it any wonder I look unhappy?” DOES SEEM QUEER. “No,” said Small wort, “I hardly feel justified in saying that Peppers is inordinately vain, but when a fellow has a music box in his room arranged to play ‘Hail to the Chief' as soon as he opens the door, what is one to think of him.” A RELIABLE GUEST. Proprietor—Seems to me you were rather careless to give the best room in the house to an utter stranger without baggage Hotel clerk —Oh, he’s all right. He’s worth a million at least. He’s here as defendant in a suit for breach of promise—damages to the plaintiff's injured heart, $200,000. AN OFF DAY. Miss Newgate—What was done at the New Woman International Progressive Club to-day? Bachelor girl—Nothing, you see, Mrs. Sweetie happened to come in with her baby, and before w'e all got through kissing the little cherub it was time to adjourn.

DANGEROUS SYMPTOMS. “I fear that Maud is developing ‘new woman’ tendencies,” said the anxious mother. “What has she been doing?” asked the father, in genuine alarm. “Been wanting bloomers?” “Oh, not so bad as that. But she used a buttonhook instead of a hairpin this morning to fasten her shoes.” A SAFE RULE. “I don’t know whether you’ll like this. It’s a peculiar mixture of mine—half English breakfast L and half Oolong.” “It certainly ought to be right. One of the first rules I learned in school was that we should always cross our teas.” ENOUGH FOR THE CEREMONY. Sweet girl—Papa says you can’t afford to marry. Ardent youth—Nonsense! I can get a preacher to perform the ceremony for $2. Sweet girl—Can you? How foolish papa is! here’s talent. Agnes—Great mimic, the Count. Gives wonderful imitations. Jack—Yes; he gave one a year or so ago that cost him three months in jail. Agnes—lmpossible! What was it? Jack—Gave his landlord an imitation of a S2O bill. AFTER THE CIRCUS. “I’d like,” said the elephant, reflectively, “to get hold of that idiot who fed me a fake macaroon with a gob of tar in the middle of it. I’d”— “But it was no doubt kindly meant,” interrupted the laughing Hyena. “Tar is good to keep the moths out of your trunk, you know.” The laughing hyena knew that the elephant was securely chained. IN THE FUTURE NOVEL. 1 “Adolphus,” said the new girl, in tones of strong, vibrant tenderness, “be not afraid, sweet one; look up, and tell me you will share my lot! I cannot offer you fame or fortune at present, but the path to both is opening before me. This very week I have been made attorney for the Maidens’ and Matrons’ Bank, the Salesladies’ Trust Company (limited) and the Shoppers' Railroad Association. Rely upon my strong heart and willing hand, dearest, and be mine! Adolphus, trembling and blushing, toyed with the flower in bis buttonhole. i It was her gift. She drew nearer to him ; their eyes met, and with one yielding sigh he'dropped his head upon her stalwart shoulder and whispered ' “ Yes! ” —Harper’s Bazar.

WILLING TO OBLGE. Dick—l have a dreadful cold. Tom —Why don’t you take something for it? Dick —I’d like to, but I can’t get any offers. I’ll let you have it away below cost if you want it. LOOKING FORWARD. “I thought you were paying attentions to Willie Bright?” “I was. but he is too womanish in his ways for me. He thinks he ought to have a vote, same as a woman.”