Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 16, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 April 1895 — HUMOR or THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR or THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Odd, Cnrioea and Laughable Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day—A Budget of Fun. Sprinkles of Spice. Mrs. Gadzley—“Do you suffer much from toothache.” Mrs. Blazzer—“No—that is, not unless my husband has it.” —Roxbury Gazette. “So the insolent fellow refused to pay his rent.” “He did not say so in words, but he intimated it.” “How so?” “He kicked me downstairs.”—Le Figaro. Bryce—“ Algernon Fitz Sappy is one orthose fellows who has more money than brains, isn’t he?” Knowso—“Yes, and he is poor, too.”—Life’s Calendar. Mrs. Nuwed—“Our landlord thinksof nothing but the rent” Nuwed—“You wrong him, my dear. I’m sure he never thinks of the rent in the roof.”— Judge. “Mrs. Trout, why do you look so down in the gills?” “Trout my dear, I can’t help worrying when I remember that it’s most fly time again.”—New York Recorder. Blobbs—“Do you think the average man is as stupid before he marries as !ie is afterwards?” Cynicus—“Certainy, or he wouldn’t get married.” Philadelphia Record. With joy I greets you, gentle spring; You bids us smile ag’in— No wood ter saw, no snow ter sweep. No coal ter carry in. —Washington Star.

“Chollle is a changed maq. He sent $lO to the mission in China last wgek.” “He must be changed indeed, or he could never make $lO go as far as that!” —Harper’s Bazar. “It’s her disposition to make light of serious things,” he said mournfully. “Yes,” replied Cholly Luvlorn. “She even burns the poetry I write about her.”—Washington Star. Lipper—“l wonder why it is that Miss Primper always takes such good care of her complexion?” Chipper—“ She’s so conscientious; it isn’t her own, you know.”—Cincinnati Tribune. “Our first impressions most readily slip our memories,” said the teacher. “Oh, I know why!” shouted Johnny. “Well, why?” “Our first Impressions are slippers?’—Cleveland Plain Dealer. “And this—this is elocution!” sighed the poet, as the recitationist finished his pet poem. “Yes, what did you think it was?” “Execution,” returned the poet, with a moan.—Harper’s Bazar. Cholly Uppers—“Fwed, can you spare me small bills for a ten?” Freddie Heeled—“Suah, dcah boy.” Cholly—“Thanks, weally, I’ll hand you the ten to-morrow.”—St Louis Globe-Demo-crat

Mrs. Rash—“ How do you manage to get your cook so early?” Mrs. Dash —“Well, I hunted up a young and gqddlooking milkman and hired him to come at 5 o’clock.”—Louisville Courier Journal. “What is the matter with that man?” asked the inquisitive small girl in the theater. “The man sitting in the front row?” “Yes’m. The one whose hair is too small for him.”—Washington Star. Author—“ What’s the matter with the dialect in that story? Isn’t it plain enough?” Magazine editor —“Yes; that’s the trouble. Anybody can read It "without a glossary.”—Somerville Journal. Impatient tourists (to small boy fishing In the lake)—“You told us the boat always left here at 4, and we have waited now till past 5.” Boy—“Oh, it doesn’t begin to run till May.”—Fliegende Blatter. “Experience is the best teacher,” remarked Plodding, Pete. “Yes,” replied Meandering Mike; “but my personal observation is that It’s a mighty poor way ter study law.”—Washington Star. Wife (to unhappy husband)— “l wouldn’t worry, John; it doesn’t do any good to borrow trouble.” Husband —“Borrow trouble? Great Caesar, my dear, I ain’t borrowing trouble; I have It to lend.”—Colorado Sun. Old Bache—“That’s a handsome pair of slippers you’re wearing, Harry.” Harry—“ They ought to be; I’m sure they cost enough. My wife made them, and then coaxed out of me the price of a sealskin jacket.”—Tid-Bits.

Stern Parent—“ You tell me that you love my daughter and wish to marry her. But how do you expect to live on eight hundred a year?” Loving Swain —“Oh, come, now, your income must be more than that!”—Boston Transcript. Clara—“ How under the sun did Edith happen to marry Mr. Awkward?” Dora—“He was the bane of her life at every ball She attended, and I presume she married him to keep him from wanting to dance with her.”—New York Weekly. 1 Judge (to prisoner)—“Have you anything more to say?” Prisoner—“No, my lord; only I would ask you to be quick, please, as it is near the dinner hour, and if I am to go to prison I should like to get there In time for the soup.”—Francais Illustre. She—“ Every one in town says we are going to be married.” He—“ Well, it’s true, Isn’t It?” She “It can’t be, Frederick. You must be deceiving me. If it were true every one in town would say we are not going to be married.”—Truth. “But he is so much younger than his wife.” “I know that, but then he will be much older ten years from now.” “As for that matter, won’t she also be much older?” “My dear sir, she Is a woman. Just you wait ten years and see.”—Boston Transcript.