Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 14, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 April 1895 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Curious, and Laughable Phase* of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day —A Budget cf Fun. Sprinkles of Spice. —A popular occupation with young women—making parlor matches.—Lowell Courier. —ls you’ll notice, the hatchet-faced man seldom splits his sides with laughter.—Buffalo Courier. —W ith the college barber it is an every-day occurrence to score a touchdown.—Richmond Dispatch. —Sometimes a prayer for a good meeting is not tfnswered because there is bad ventilation.—Ram’s Horn. —The horse is supposed to be man’s best friend, unless he happens to bet on him in a race.—Yonkers Statesman. —Stag parties are so called, it is said, because the men usually stagger home from them.—Oil City Blizzard. —“Yes, it's a hard ■world,” sighed the balloonist, as he struck the fair grounds with a sickening thud.—Yale Record. —Her mother—Don’t you find Jack rather rough? Priscilla—Yes, mamma. And yet he says he shaves every day.— Oil City Blizzard. —“I am summoned to another climb,” said tlie bellboy as the indicator announced a call from the top floor.— Philadelphia Record. —Operator—Now, how do you wish to be taken, madam—bust or full length? Miss Primley—No, sir. I’ll stand up.—New York Ledger. —No matter how others of his race have to live, the colored sleeping-car porter always insists upon good quarters for himself.—Buffalo Courier. —A certain sage said he never knew a rogue who was not unhappy. Of course not; it is the rogues who are not known who are the happy ones.—TidBits. —He—“l see that China is suing for peace.” She—“ How ridiculous! Hasn’t she lost enough by war without going into the law courts?”—Boston Transcript. —The prize of one guinea offered by Tid-Bits for the best definition of “life” has been awarded for the fallowing definition: “Life—A trial trip before the launch into eternity.” —Assistant—“l’ve the greatest freak in the world here.” Museum Manager —“What is it?” Assistant—“A farmer who speaks the dialect we get in magazine short stories.”—Life. —Neighbor—“You hov a large family to support, Mr. Finnigan.” Mr. Finnigan—“l hov that, mum; ah’ if they didn’t all earn their own livin’ I couldn’t do it at all at all”—Tid-Bits. —“I didn’t see your portrait at the exhibition, Miss Holmeleigh.” “No. They wouldn’t take it. They said it was a good portrait, but my face was out of drawing.”—Harper’s Bazar. —“De great beauty 'bout Thanksgibin’,” said Uncle Eben, “is dat, es yoh wants ter you kin take it outen de almanack an’ keep it in yoh heahts de hull ye’ah roun’.”—Washington Star. —“I propose,” began the deliberate old lawyer who called around to see a young w’idow on business, when his vivacious client exclaimed, “I accept.” They are now partners.—Dallas News. —Professor (returning home at night hears noise)—“ls some one there?” Burglar (under the bed)—“No!” Professor—“ That’s strange! I was positive some one was under my bed.”—TidBits.

—A Delicate Compliment—Mrs. Goodfeed—“Will you ask a blessing, Mr. Guest?” Mr. Guest (casting his eye admiringly over the table)—“Really, my dear madam, it doesn’t need it.”—Detroit Free Press. —Tramp—Can’t I get the boss’ ear for a minute? Husband—l don’t think you can get her ear, but I’m sure if you wait until she comes downstairs you can get a piece of her mind.— Yonkers Statesman. —Mrs. Wickwire —Do you know’ that the doctors say that too constant piano practice is likely to produce curvature of the spine? Mr. Wick wire—l didn’t know it before, but I don’t doubt it. At least, it makes the neighbors get their backs up.—Cincinnati Tribune. —After the Honeymoon—Time, June. —The Earl .(proudly)—“l am carrying on some Interesting researches into the early history of my family.” The American Countess (late of the Metropolitan nouveauriche, snappishly)— “Are you afraid that the facts have not been effectually suppressed?”—Vogue. —“Here’s another one of those millionaire plumber jokes in the paper,” said Criticus. “Did you ever see a rich plumber, Hicks?” “Never,” said Hicks. “All the plumbers I’ve ever seen have been very poor plumbers. Still, a fellow may be a poor plumber and yet be a rich man.”—Harper’s Bazar. —He was a pretty little youngster, with little fat legs, that stuck out beneath clean, stiff-starched clothes. “What are you going to do when you grovy to be a man?” asked a visitor. The little fellow’s face assumed an expression of earnest gravity as he responded with a voice which was evidently shaken by sad memories of the past, “Whip papa.”—Tid-Bits. Coins of Enormous Siae.' When the area and.square hiches of surface is taken into consideration rhe largest coins, ever issued by any government on the globe were these put into circulation by Sweden during the sixteenth century. These mammoth pieces are neither round, square, oval, nor octagonal in shape, but are great irregular slabs of copper described as “resembling pieces of a boiler after an explosion.” The smallest pieces issued under the law which authorized this gigantic coinage was an irregular rectangular slab of about twelve square inches of surface, and about a half an inch thick. It was worth about thirty cents. The largest of the same series was about a foot square and had a face value of $4. Each of these dbpper slabs are stamped in several places on the face, the various inscriptions giving the date, denomination, etc. The $4 piece mentioned last above is neatly an inch in thickness and weighs, four pounds, lacking a fraction.—St. Louis Republic.