Democratic Sentinel, Volume 19, Number 13, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 April 1895 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Curiouv and Laughable Phases of Homan Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artist* of Our Own Day —A Budget of Fun. —The most bangerous hole in a man's pocket is the one at the top.—Boston Bulletin. —“Jim’s done made his mark in the Legislatur.” “That so?” “You bet; signed for his salary:''—Atlanta Constitution. —“Why do you not stop begging and try to get some work?” “Because I do not wish to give up a sure thing for an uncertain one.”—Paris Figaro. —Ella (disdainfully)— The attentions of the gentlemen are so tiresome. Bella I (demurely)—The attentions they pay to ! other women?—Boston Transcript, i “Yes,” said Mr. Sourman, “women I like money, and money is like women.” I “How is that?” inquired his wife. “Money talks.”—New York Press. —Uncle—ls your little dog intelligent? Small Nephew—Well, he hasn’t got so much sense in his head, but hit tail seems to know a lot—Good News. —He (very conceitedly)— I don’t think I should like to marry any girl unless she was of a self-sacrificing nature. She—But wouldn’t that prove it?—Life. —Binks—There is a report that a sausage trust is being formed. Jinks— Can’t be true. Any trust in sausage would be impossible.—New Ydrk Weekly. The Bachelor—l’m waiting for the Interesting woman of 30 that the novelists talk about “Well, you won’t find her. All the women under 60 are not over 22.”—Life. Mistress —“Goodness, Bridget, to whom are you writing in those immense letters?” Bridget-?‘To me sister, mum; she’s deaf and dumb.”—Harper’s Bazar. He—“De Freshe Is laid up with nervous prostration.” She—“lt must be something else. Nothing on earth could prostrate that fellow’s nerve.”—Detroit Free Press. —lt is learned that there are 8.000,000 piano players in the United States, and they can elect any man President that they may unite on. This is terrible.— Texas Siftings. —“You started out to keep a diary, I believe?” “Yes.” “Going to keep it up?” “No; I’ve decided it’s easier to write an autobiography ahead than live up to it.”—Truth. —Briggs—“Miss Cobble is a great horsewoman, isn’t she?” Griggs—“l should say so. She was taken ill the other day and they sent for a veterinary surgeon.”—New York Sun. —Her Father—“No, young man, my daughter can never be yours.” Her Adorer—“l beg pardon 1 ; I don’t want her to be my daughter, I want her to be my wife.”—Harlem Life. —“You cannot crush me,” he hissed to the girl who had just spurned him. “You just wait till I get you out on the street with my bicycle,” she muttered malignantly.—Detroit Tribune. —“Strange about May. She doesn’t get married because she doesn't know how to say no.” “Indeed?” “Yes, when fellows ask her to sing for them she always complies.”—Detroit Tribune.

—Phyllis—Little brother told papa that you kissed me over 100 times last night. Alphonso—How did your little brother know? “Why, it’s the little things that count, you know.”—Yonkers Statesman. —“I am told,” remarked the young woman who is fond of research, “that twins are usually very much attached to each other.” “Yes,” replied the mat-ter-of-fact man, “the Siamese twins were.”—Washington Star. —George—l wonder why it’s so easy to get engaged to a girl in the summer. Jack—l just tell you what, George, after a girl sees herself in a summer boarding-house looking-glass she’ll accept most anybody.—New York Weekly. —Borax—“My wife makes a little money go a long ways these times.” Samjones—“So does mine, unfortunately. She’s always subscribing for missions in Africa and Polynesia.”— Truth. —Paserby—“Say, Johnny, why are you wasting your time here shooting craps?” Messenger boy—“ Wasting my time? What’s de matter wid yer? I’m gettin’ paid for every minute of it. Got a message in me pocket”—New York Herald. —Mother—“Johnny, on your way home from school stop at the store and get me a stick of candy and a bar of soap.” Father—“ What do you want of a stick of candy?” Mother—“ That's go he’ll remember the soap.”—New York Weekly. —“I always thought she was the most commonplace of girls.” “At any rate she has just done a most romantic thing.” “What, pray?” “Married a young man of her own age who is neither a coachman nor a prince.”— Judge. —“Suppose, Bobbie, that another boy should strike your right cheek,” asked the Sunday-school teacher, “what would you do?” “Give him the other cheek to strike,” said Bobbie. “That’s right,” said the teacher. “Yessum,” said Bobbie, “and if he struck that I’d paralyze him.”—Harper’s Bazar. —A young miss just Struggling with the piano was privileged to hear Sousa’s band not long since. She afterwards wrote to a friend: “P. S.—Oh, I forgot. I heard Sousa Friday and it was fine. I wish I could play ‘The Washington Post’ and ‘High-School Cadets’ as they did, but then; I am not a band, so don't expect to.”—New York Tribune.