Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 48, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 December 1894 — OUR BUDGET OF FUN. [ARTICLE]

OUR BUDGET OF FUN.

HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DOINGS HERE AND THERE. Joke* and Jokelet* that Are Supposed to Have Been Recently Born—Sayings and Doings that Are Odd, Curious, and Tengh*ble—The Week's Humor. Let Ue AU Lau~h—A perfect stranger usually betrays many imperfections when you become acquainted with him.—Pittsburg Chron-icle-Telegraph. —Mrs. Houser—What is stage business, anyway, dear? Houser—Er—getting divorces principally, 1 believe.— Buffalo Courier. —“They tell me Jones is runnin’ for speaker of the House?” “You don’t say? When did the old woman die?”— Atlanta Constitution. —Yeast—What a miserable hand Bacon writes. Crimsonbeak— Yes; he never took lessons. He writes entirely by ear.—lookers Statesman. —Doctor—You have an excess of adipose tissue, madam. Patient—Good gracious, doctor, do you suppose that makes me so fat?—Detroit Free Press. Tailor—l hear that you have paid my rival, whileyouoweme fortwosults. Student—Who dares accuse me of such a preposterous thing ?—Fliegende Blaetter.

—Visitor—Well, Tommy, what are you going to be when you grow up? Tommy—Ma says I am going to be just such another lazy loafer as pa is.—Texas Siftings. —“Nothing,” says Scribbler, “is more disheartening to a man than the discovery that he has married a woman who loves to keep his writing-table in or-der.”—Tit-Bits. —Trivet—You knew Charlie Dummlt, didn’t you? Dicer —He went West and was lynched. “Is that really so? Well, Pummit always was high strung.”— Harlem Life. —Briggs (emphatically)—l tell you that fellow Strawber knows the value of a dollar. Griggs—You must have been trying to borrow some money from him.—Detroit Free Press. —Tom—Why, Bessie, I could kiss you right under your mother’s nose. Bessie (with dignity)— I should very much prefer, sir, that you’d kiss me under my own nose.—Scottish American. —A Seasonable Excuse.—Mrs. Professor (jealously)—What’s this long hair on your coat, sir? Professor—Oh, that is—er—oh, I have just been coaching a football eleven, my dear.—Truth. —“I wonder you women never learn how to get off a street car.” “Umph! Jf we got off the right way it wouldn't be long before they’d quit stopping the cars for us.—Buffalo Courier. Friend—ls your washerwoman charges by the piece it must be rather expensive. Young Housekeeper—Oh, no. She loses so many things that her bills are never high.—New York Weekly. —Experience Had Taught Him.—Dusty Rhodes—A woman gave me this quarter and didn’t ask what I wanted to do with it. Fitz William—Taste it; it must be lead.—Kate Field’s Washington. —One thing a poor, weak woman can never understand is why it costs a man $4.50 to win a turkey for 10 cents in a raffle. But women are not presumed to know everything.—Cleveland plain Dealer. —She—But how can you think I’m pretty when my nose turns up so? He —Well, all I have to say is that it shows mighty poor taste in backing away from such a lovely mouth.—London Standard. —Mr. Scrimp—My dear, I don’t see how you had this counterfeit bill passed on you? Mrs. Scrimp—Well, you don’t let me see enough real money to enable me to tell the difference.—Harper’s Bazar.

Maude—What is the trouble between Alice and Kate? Ethel—Why, you see, Alice asked Kate to tell her just what she thought of her. Maude— Yes? Ethel—Kate told her.—Boston Transcript. u —“Rum brought you here, I presume,” said the prison visitor. “That’s what,” said Rubberneck Bill. “After this when I git out I am goin’ to stick to what I was raised on—gin.”—lndianapolis Journal. —Old Lady—That parrot I bought of you uses dreadful language. Bird Dealer—Ah, mum, you should be werry careful what you ses afore it; it’s astonishin’ how quick them birds pick up anything I—Tit-Bits. —Hills—Who was that you just bowed to? Hulls—Why, that’s Jenks, the great fiction writer. Hills—Never heard of him. What has he written? Hulls—Testimonials for patent medicines.—New York World. -The Future Call.—Miss de Fashion (a few years hence)—You are wanted at the telephone. Mrs. de Fashion— Oh, dear! I presume it’s Mrs. de Style to return my telephone call. I hope she won’t talk long.—New York Weekly. —Mrs. Benedict—Now, what would you do, Mr. De Batch, if you had a baby that cried for the morn? De Batch (grimly)—l’d do the next best thing for him, madam; I’d make him see stars!—Kate Field’s Washington. —Mr. G. (an old friend) —Yes, you have a most beautiful parlor here, but to have nothing to sit upon but one chair is a rather original idea, is it not? Mrs. Z.-i-When one has marriageable daughters one must have original ideas.—Truth. —Teacher—Tommy, did you find out anything about the origin of the dollar mark? Tommy—l asked paw about it and he said the straight lines stood for the pillars of society and the crooked one for the way they got their money.— Cincinnati Tribune.