Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 46, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 November 1894 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Curious, and Laughable Phase* of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day —A Budget of Fun. Sprinkle* of Spice. —Much charity that begins at home is too feeble to get out of doors.— Texas Siftings. —lt is not the woman who fires up the quickest that makes the best match. —Richmond Dispatch. —“Do poets wear long hair?” “Notall of them. Some of them are married.” —Atlanta Constitution. —A woman finds fault with everybody who finds fault with her husband except herself.—Philadelphia Press. He "T feel completely prostrated. I wish I were dead.” She—“ Well, why don’t you let me send for a doctor?”— Thomas Cat A row between the champion players, Lasker and Steinitz, is becoming something of a chess nut—Philadelphia Ledger. —iJack—“I wonder why Pillsbury committed suicide?” Meg—“Oh, it is so much cheaper than divorce, you know.”—Life. Times are so hard that many men are cutting their mustaches off so that they can smoke their cigars shorter.— Atchison Globe. —Smiley—“Now remember, I don’t want a very large picture.” Photographer—“ All right, sir. Please close your mouth!”—Tit-Bits. * —Lawyer (joyfully)—“Your divorce Is granted, madam.” Fair litigant (agitatedly—“ This completely unmans me.”—Detroit Tribune. —He—“You saw some old ruins while in England, I presume?” She—“ Yes, indeed! And one of them wanted to marry me!”—Brooklyn Life. —lnchley—“l came within an ace of making a fortune once.” Miss Foot—- “ How was that?” Inchley—“The other man had the ace." —Free Lance. —Maud—“I’m going to keep count of how many times Jack kisses me.” Susan—“ There’ll be a great flurry in the blankbook market.”—Town Topics. —Dick—“Been to the races?” Tom—- “ Yes, and had great luck.” Dick—- “ What on?” Tom—“On the way home. I didn’t have to walk.”—Detroit Free Press. —Teacher—“What is one of the greatest sources of discontent in the world?” Pupil—(whose parents live at a boarding house)—“Prune sauce.”—Boston Transcript. —Sobbing wife —“Three years ago you swore eternal love ” The brute—“ How long do you expect eternal love to last, anyway?”—New York Ledger. —The gesture and speeching efforts of a young lawyer in court may be tike the hands of a watch. They have nothing to do with the case.—New Orleans Picayune. —The ancient knight leaned lightly upon his lance. “Marry ” The modern maid was on his neck in an instant. ‘Oh, Roderick,” she cried, “this is so sudden!”—Pick-Me-Up. | —Little girl—“Oh, mamma! Come quick!” Mamma—“Mercy, what’s the matter?” Little girl—“ There’s a mouse in the kitchen and the poor cat is there all alone.”—Good News.

—“Was your father uukind when you told him you wanted to marry me, his coachman?” “No. He said at once that he would retain you and he offered me the maid’s place.”—Life. —“Has old Tough quit smoking?” inquired one man of another. “I don’t know’ whether he has or not, but he died the other day,” was the evasive reply.—Philadelphia Record. —“You are not looking very W’ell this morning.” “For good reason, too. My wife insisted on having a pink tea, and I had to take a little red rye to play even.”—lndianapolis Journal. • —A sympathetic air is as much a part of a doctor’s stock in trade as his learning. This sympathetic air is not itemized in the bill, but it appears there all right—Atchison Globe. —McSwatters—“ls Clanghorn a finished author?” McS witters—“Yes. You see, he called on Woolly, of the Howler, and called him a liar, and—well, you know Woolly.”—Syracuse Post. —Customer—“l wish you wouldn’t alw’ays tell such frightful stories. It makes one’s hair stand on end.” Barber—“ Exactly. That’s the idea, for then I can cut your hair better.”— Fliegende Blaetter. —Friend—“Why do you send your husband's clothes to a tailor, w’hen all they need is a button?” Mrs. Maniofeifi—“Well, the fact is my husband married so young that he never learned how to sew on a button.”—New York Weekly. —“The editor of the Moon is the meanest man this side of hades.” “What makes you think that?” “Think? I know he is. Didn’t he deduct 30 cents from the last poem I sold him because the fourteenth line was two feet short in the meter?”—Truth. —“I used to feel a little mean at robbin’ the bee hives,” said the tenderhearted farmer, but. since I got to thinkin’ it over I see that I am doing ’em good. Es it wa’n’t fer me takin’ the honey all them bees would be out of work all next summer.”—lndianapolis Journal. —Jaggs—“How did you ever dare to embrace Miss Boston?” Nagg—“She was speaking of banditti that night as we drove through the the strip of woods by the river, and remarked, ‘What a romantic place to be held up!’ ” Jaggs—“Yes.” Naggs—“Well, I held her up.”—Life.