Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 44, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 November 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Time Not Wasted--Rival*--To Be Sure--A Violent Insinuation, Eto., Etc. .Etc. TIME XOT WASTED. Dashaway—While on a vacation I have been trying to sail a boat. Oleverton—How did you get on ! Dashaway—Not very well with the boat, but 1 learned how to swim.— [Judge. RIVALS. “‘Does Miss Mintly have the same lofty manners she had at tho first of the season?” ‘‘Mercy, no; not since she met Florence.” ‘‘How could that change Iter?” ‘‘Florence had six moro freckles than Miss Mintly.”—[Chicago InterOcean. TO HE SERE. Banks —Hero's a queer fashion item. It says, ‘ Baggy kneed trousers are coining to the front.” Rivers— Where else could they come?—[Chicago Tribune. A VIOLENT INSINUATION. Ruth—Harry told me, I was the first girl he over told ho loved. Kitty—When did ho tell you that? Ruth —Monday night. Why? Kitty—Oh, nothing; only he must have been lying to me Tuesday night. —[Detroit Free Tress. WHY HE DIDN’T. Jinkbots —You complain of the expense of a typewriter, why don’t you have your wife do It? Henpeck—l can’t dictate to my wife.—[Atlanta Constitution. AN AMBIGUOUS ANSWER. ‘‘She is a great favorite with tho male sox.” “Yes.” “Why don’t, she marry?” “Her numerous engagements prevent hor.” MAY HE ANOTHER WEDDING. It is reportod that a girl in town has exercised her rights, and asked a young man to bo her blushing husband. Ho bus taken a week to consider, and is finding out In tho meantime how much the girl oarns a month, and if she would bo “near.”—[Atchison Globe. NO ILL WIND, ETC. Mrs. Dix—Your husband* must suffer terribly with his coughing and sneezing when he lias hay fevor. Mrs. Hicks—To he sure ho does, hut you can’t think how it amusos the baby. AT KIKSHTSIGHT. Sho—Hero comes the brido and groom. Do you supposo it was a caso of love at first sight? He—Oh, yes. He caught a glimpse of the stub of hor father’s check book.—[Washington Star. woman’s ways. “Can you roiul my thoughts?” They were near the cold, gray ocean with its eternal pulsations. His ardent glance rested upon her glorious face. “No,” sho answered quietly; “I do not care for light reading.” A bittern rose near them, omitting a loud shriek as it took wing.

ALWAYS UNRELIABLE. Wife—l must goto fho doctor; I fear I’ve got dropsy. 1 weigh 250 pounds. Husband—Where were you weighed? Wifo—On your coal scales. Husband—Thon don’t worry, your weight is normal.—[Puck. DOTH VALUELESS. “Collingwood claims that his word is<as as his bond," said Twynn, “True enough," replied Triplett; “but his bond is worthless." THEY ALWAYS 1)0. Teacher—They buildod bettor than they knew. Do you understand that? Bright Boy—Yes’m, they rdwaya do. “Who always do?" “The architects, you know. Pop's nGy five thousand dollar house cost ten thousand.”—fGood News. not beyond the reach ok SCIENCE. ‘Oh, doctor! doctor I I’ve swallowed a filbert." ‘ Swallow a nutcracker, madam. Five dollars."—[Chicago Tribuno. A MISUNDERSTANDING. Timmins—l called to see about a littl-i poem I left hero—“To Phyllis" was she title. fcN'ffw Office Boy—Fillies? Two filliesV I guess you want to see do hone editor.—[lndianapolis Journal. NOT QUITE IN THAT LIGHT. Mr. Oldhi—Miss Sweetly, are you an admirer of old brass? Miss Sweetly—Well, er-I have only thought of you as a valued friend.—[Chicago Inter-Ocean. A PERSISTENT CREDITOR. Mm. Underhill—You made a great racket about my dressmaker’s bill, but I never said a word about your tailor. Underhill—Good heavens! Rita, you don’t seem to realize that dressmakers have to he paid.—[Truth. A KNOCK-OUT. Youth (tremblingly)—l-I-I have come to you. sir, the hand of your daughter. Father (briefly)—Which hand? — Detroit Free Press. WILLING TO DO HIS PART. “And you wish to bo treated?” paid the dentist. “No, begorrah,’’ replied Mr. Dolan. “You shtop the'hurrut in this toot, an’ Oi’ll trate to anythin’ yez want.” —[Washington Star. lIE HAD BEEN THERE. “W-w-where are you g-g-g-g-g-go-ing?" asked one. “G-g-going t-t-t-to tho stut-stut-stut-stammering institute,” said the othqr. “G-g-g-g-good pup-pup-pup-place," said the first. “They kick-kick-kick-cured me."—[Boston Home Journal.

TIMING THE KICT. Dibbles —Is it true that Karher’s father kicked on your coming to their house? Dudell fsadly)—Er—no; on my going.—[Buffalo Courier. NOT TIMELY. “Angelina,” he said, with a gurgle in his voice which betrayed great emotion, ‘‘you have come into my life like a ray of sunshine.” “Don’t, George, dear,” she exclaimed, entreatingly, “Ray of sun shino is very nice, but just now it is so unseasonable.” [Washington Star. A CORRECTION. He—What is ho going to do after he graduates? She—Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to ask “Whom is he going to do?”—[Truth. BY THE SAD SEA WAVE. Alice—ls we stay on this rock much longer t he tide will wash us off. Time and tide, you know, will wait for no man. Mario (mournfully)—That’s where they differ from us.—[Brooklyn Life.

DISINTERESTED ADVICE. Prof. Van Note—You vish to learn to play do cornet, oh? Vy not tako de mandolin insteat? Youth—l like the cornet hotter. “Yah, may he so, hut you vos not strong enough tirlearn de cornet." "I can inanngo it easily.” “Yah, may be, hut gan you manage de neighbors?” —[Good News. WORKS ROTH WAYS. Agitator—Look at tho difference 8 of condition among citizens! Whon a man owns a steam yacht it’s a sign that there Inis been a robbery somowhere. Ex-Millionaire—Guess that’s so. I bought threo or four of them, and was robbed every time.—[New York Weekly. READ IT IN HER EYES. Itwasono of thoso soft, witching moonlight nights when there is a big business done in Cupid’s confessional. “Until I mot you, Adolo,” he murmured in a voice husky with emotion, “I believed all women were decoitful; hut when I look into your clear, beautiful eyes, I behold there tho very soulof’candor and loyalty.” “Goorgo,” sho exclaimed with enthusiasm, “this Is tho happiest moment of my life since papa took mo to that. Piirisucullst.” . “Paris oculist 1” “Yes, dear; you never would have known that my loft eye was a glass ono. ” Then tho moon went under a cloud nnd Goorgo rolled over and burled his faeo In tho moist grass.—[J udgo. . NOVELTIES IN NECKWEAR. _ Pretty Notions to Suit All Complexions. Tullo and gauze, “ as thin of substance as tho air, and moro Inconstant than tho wind,” aro the chosen fabrics for thoso little fripperies in neckwear which go so far toward tho perfection of a costume. With only one gown not too pronounced as to color, many changes may bo rung by varying tho neck trimming. A lovoly yoke offoct has just been brought out which may he made In all colors to suit all complexions. Tho material is a gauze ribbon, with a moire edge and about five inches wide. The example shown was In a deep pink of the shade known as corradiuin. The yoke is outlined with a gathered frill ot tho ribbon, over which is a row of pointed Venetian lace In deop butter-yellow. Folds of tho ribbon perpendicularly form tho yoke itself, and tho collar fastens at tho back with a rosette and lias a full rosette at each side of tho front. A few pretty fancies in neckwear

are pictured. One is a collar band, with a bow of white chiffqn. The loops ure wired, and, the ends are trimmed with Valenciennes lace. Another is a picture collar in citroncolorod vandyked luce, partly veiled with two long ribbon streamers which hang from the rosette bow in either satin or velvet attached to the centre of tho neckband at the back. The others show a collar of chiffon, with rosettes that fasten at tho back and a folded velvet collar in cerise, with a jabot of lace in front. The “Flagstaff” collars in lace are likely to be popular for some time yet to come, and all are finished off with full throat bands infancy gauze or ribbon. These ribbon bands may be bought separately, but can also be easily made at home. A yard of satin or ivatered ribbon is sufficient, and about three inches wide. The length for the band is cut off, each end laid in a side plait and hemmed over, with a couple of hooks and eyes for the fastening. The rest of the ribbon is knotted up in a butterfly bow, and fastened atone end of the neck-band, which hooks at the back. The favorite colors in these ribbons are maize, cherry-red, deep rose, cornflower, blue, lettuce green and eminence purple. The same shades may be found in gauze and chiffon, either plain or gauffered, and one new and prettly collar band is made of rosettes of gauze, alternating with knots of ribbon in the same shade exactly. The perfect skeleton of a mastodon has been unearthed near Dunkirk. N. Y.

VARIOUS COLLAR ADORNMENTS.