Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 36, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 September 1894 — OUR BUDGET OF FUN. [ARTICLE]

OUR BUDGET OF FUN.

HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DOINGS HERE AND THERE. Jokes end JokeleU that Are Supposed to Have Been Recently Born—Sayings < Doing, that -V® Odd, Cartons, and Laogfcable—The Week's Humor. Let Cs All Lau-he He—Whv do you think they are married? She—l heard her ask him I for a kiss last night.—Life. The Kansas corn crop will be quite short, which makes the farmer wear a wry face.—Lowell Courier. It is not the woman who fires up the quickest that makes the best match.—Richmond Dispatch. What has become of the old-fash- | ioned church member who wouldn’t go to a circus?—Atchison Globe. This is the season when a candidate rushes up to you and “fixes” you witty a 5-cent cigar. —Atchison Globe. Sckeech—What part of Mrs. Screech’s music do you like best? Wilson—The refrain.—Harlem Life. Some men ought to be ashamed of themselves, but they never happen to think about it.—Galveston News. Having a “steady” keeps a girl at home as close at home evenings as if she was married and had a bay.— Atchison Globe. W e don’t believe a long-haired man knows anything more about medicine than a short-haired man.-.-Atchison Globe. There are some young fellows who feel like going out for a lark after taking a few swallows at various places.—Picayune. It wouldn’t he so bad when the mosquito presented his bill If he didn't sign the receipt in such fiery ink.—Florida Times. Wnir,E never very much for speed, at this late day the car horse has begun going as fast as the trolley comes.—Philadelphia Times. —“Tns present only is ours,” says the preacher. This fact is of such moment that it is well to make a minute of it.—Arkansaw Traveler. Little Ethel—“ Papa says my doggie has fleas. What shall I do?” Little Johnny—“ Whenever visitors call take him to them to pet.”—Good News. Young men must relieve themselves of the impression that they cannot be on time without a stimulant and a $250 watch.—Galveston News. “It's all up with me,” groaned Skylite, as he sank on the eighth stairway, endeavoring (o reach bis flat after a hard day’s labor.—Boston Courier. It is quite natural that the actors in seashore companies should mistake for applause the noise made by people killing musquitoes.—Philadelphia Record. As a soldier-fighter the Mongolian mayn’t be much, but for an instance of sound heating he should be seen giving it to a dinner gong.—Philadelphia Times. Admiier—Where did you get all this wonderful strength? Famous Strong Man—l was a carver in a boarding house for three years.— Syracuse Post. A bill taking alcohol used in the arts off the free list has passed. This puts a plain whisky and the most elaborate cocktail on all fours.—Philadelphia Ledger. Customer—“Do you warrant this bathing suit?” Modiste—“Madame, I prefer to say nothing except that when it is worn it will show what’s in it?”—Detroit Tribune. One of the religious weeklies tells its readers how to make an aeolian harp, but it doesn’t tell them how they can appease the neighbors afterwards.—Somerville Journal. China offers a reward of 200 taels for the head of a Jap officer and 100 for the head of a private. It’s a case of heads they lose, taels the other fellow wins.—Philadelphia Ledger. Helen—Why did they all laugh at young Dudley last evening? Kate— Why, he held Miss Dollie's head so long on his shoulder that he wore her hat home by mistake.—Judge. Frank—“lt makes me mad to see my wife so dead gone on that fool of a McFlurter.” Dick—“Oh, be charitable! She used to think just as much of you.”—Boston Transcript. Topsy—Mamma, ought Itobe kind to the cat? Mamma—Certainly, my child. Why do you ask? Topsy— Because I’ve given it all the cream, and there’s none for tea.—Tid-Bits. Speaker (in the hen convention) —“There are now three measures before the house to increase the duty on eggs.” Mrs. Biddy—“ Well, I move we lay ’em on the table.”— “Some men,” said Uncle Eben, “is so soured on human nature dat when er frien’ returns a borrowed umbrell dey t’inks it am a reflection on de umbrell’s quality.’’--Washington Star. Maude—“Oh, he wrote me a lovely poem. It began: When you would know why men go mad. Go gaze Into your mirror Bertha —“What bosh! You're not so ugly as all that.”—Pearson’s Weekly. Amy—l remember your friend Clare married Mr. Nicotine so as to reform him. He was such an intemperate smoker. Howdid she succeed? Joe —Perfectly. He gave up tobacco entirely—and took to drink.—Arkansaw Traveler. Squam Inlet Postmaster—l'm beggin’ your everlastin’ pardon, lady, but ’deed it warn’t my fault. Someway ’r nuther your letter’s got a great hunk o’ red beeswax onto it, an’ I ain’t been able t’ git it off without tearin’ th’ enveioop. Leslie’s Weekly.