Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 36, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 September 1894 — THE JOKER'S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER'S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. He Knew-•‘The Questions a Girl Asks-'Not Quite Und«rstood--ln Business*'Etc., Etc. HE KNEW. Caller—Can I see Miss Snuggrt ? Servant—She’s engaged, sir. Caller—Of course she is, and I’m the man she’s engaged to. Servant —Oh. —[Detroit Free Press. THE QUESTIONS A GIRL ASKS. %“Are you certain that you love me?” “I am.” “But are you sure that you are certain?” NOTHING CHEAP ABOUT IT. Squildig—Didn’t Timberwheel feel cheap when Miss Frisky sued him for breach of promise? McSwilligen—Cheap? Well, I guess not! The girl secured a verdict of $25,000. —[Pittsburg Chronicle-Tele-graph. IN BUSINESS. Police Judge—What is your occupation ? Everett Wrest—l am a promoter. “A what?” “A promoter—promoter of charitable impulses. See?” —[Cincinnati Tribune. HE wasn’t AT ALL GRATIFIED. “They say a woman can’t keep a secret,” she said to her lover, who had run down from the city for a day to see her at the beach, “But you can, my darling,” he said, tenderly. “You bet,” she laughed; “I have been here a whole week and none of .Hie young men know yet that I am engaged.”—[New York Press. EXTREME PATERNALISM. “And you would prefer to have me visit you les4 frequently,” he said. “Yes,” she answered. “Father objects to my receiving so much company.” “And you won’t wear my engagement ring?” “No. Father objects to my receiving presents from young men.” “And you decline to meet me occasionally at the front gate?” “Yes. Father has just purchased a bulldog, you know.” His face took on a shade of deep annoyance. “It is as I feared,” ho muttered. “The country is going all. wrong through too much [Washington Star. OVERSHADOWED HIM. “How dia you like the young woman from Boston?” asked the young man’s sister. “Oh, very well. Only she uses such big words. I gave her a flower and she wouldn’t call it by anything but its scientific name.” “But you always liked botany.” “It wasn’t her botany I objected to. It was her haughty-culture,”— Washington Star. A FLAW SOMEWHERE. rte—Y ou refuse me ? She —I do. He—Do I look all right? She— : Yes. He (decidedly)—lt can’t be possible. I’m going back to my rooms and discharge my man.—[Puck. NOT IN HIS ETHICS. Mrs. Husslff—And now, having had a good lunch, I want you to saw that wood. It won’t take you more than an hour. Rural Ragges (with dignity)— Y r ou’ll excuse me, madam, but in makin’ a mornin call I stick ter social etiquette. Twenty minutes is my limit, an’ that space has elapsed. ONE EXCEPTION. “False one!” he shrieked. “Not wholly so,” she moaned. He became calmer. “No,” ho remarked in quieter tones, “that red on the end of your nose is natural, I have no doubt.”— [lndianapolis Journal. THE OLD man’s OCCUPATION. “What’s Dick doing now?” “Well, Dick, he’s a-doctorin’.” “And John?” “He’s horse-tradin’.” “And William?” “He’s a savin’ of souls.” “And Tom?” “Well, Tom—he s sorter politicianin’ aroun’.” “And you?” “Well, I’m sorter farmin’ an’ afeedin’ of Dick an’John an’ William an’ Tom!”—[Atlanta Constitution. NO EQUALITY FOR HER. Mrs. Scaird—The marriage relation needs reform. Don’t' you think that bqtli parties should have an equal voice in regulating their joint affairs? Mrs. Graymare—What! Let my husband have as much to say as I have? Not much.—[Puck. FAMOUS ENOUGH TO BE HONEST. Jinks (on the rail)—l was talking with an eminent in the smoker. Mrs. Jinks—What is his name? “He didn’t mention it, and I did not like to ask.” “Then why do you think he is an eminent physician?” “I asked him what was the best cure for consumption, and he said he didn’t know.” —rPuck. NOT OVER-SENSITIVE. Willie—An’ wliat did Clawence do when Bob Slugard kicked him? Algy—He simply said, ‘Gweatmen are not sensitive to cwiticism,’ and walked swiftly away.—[Judge. NOT QUITE UNDERSTOOD. Little Ethel —When are you and sister Nell going to be married, Tom? Tom—l don’t know, Ethel, I’m not an augur. Little Ethel (brightly)—Well, she says you’re a bore. ' DIDN’T/ UNDERSTAND HUMAN 1 NATURE. “Yes,” said the proprietor of the barber shop, “he was a very good barber, but we had to let him go. He didn’t understand the business. “What did he do?” “He fcrgot to say to a baldheaded ■customer that his hair needed trimKoing to-day.”—[Washington Star.

HE WAS MIBTAKEN. “Lady,” began Mr. Dismal Dawson, “you see before you a man whose name is mud; m, u, d, mud.” “There must be some mistake in your calculations,” replied the lady. “It takes water to make mud.”— [lndianapolis Journal. LOVE’S VICTORY. “Sir,” she cried, “I spurn you!” “Hear me out,” he pleaded. She shrugged her shoulders and turned coldly away. “Adored one,” he proceeded, “do you know that your father has absolutely forbidden me to ever think of marrying you?” She started. “You do not deceive me?” she demanded agitatedly. “Upon my oath, no,” he replied, “I saw him but now.” With a glad cry she fell into his arms.—[Detroit Tribune. HOW IT HAPPENED. “We die, but ne’er surrender!” The Colonel began to brag; But he set his heel On an orange peel And promptly—struck his flag. A NIGHT OF TERROR. It was a cloudy night. Dark clouds lowered over the world, and here and there dropped a fringe of fog. A shriek pierced the night air. She clutched her husband’s nose wildly in her startled frenzy. “Heavens,” she gasped in terror, and even as she spoke the awful cry broke again upon her ears, “the paregoric bottle is empty!” There was nothing to do but walk the floor. —[Detroit Tribune. A SPIRIT OF ACCOMMODATION. A prisoner before the Police Judge secured the services of a young sprig of an attorney, who not only was a consequential young man, but he thought he knew about ten times as much as the Judge knew he knew. When the case was called the attorney arose. M“ay it please your Honor,” he said with great formality, “my client wants more time ” “Very well, very well,” interrupted the Judge in the kindliest way; “I’ll be glad to accommodate him. He was arrested for abusing his wife, wasn’t he?” “That’s the charge of the arresting officer your Honor.” “Very good,” said his honor. “I had intended giving him only three months, but since he wants more I’ll make it six. I always strive to please. Call the next case, Mr. 'Clerk.—[Detroit Free Press. f IT WAS A FINE DAY FOR HIM. “What have you got to say?” asked the judge. The prisoner looked embarrassed. He raised his eyes to the ceiling, smoothed the nap of his hat and answered : “It is a fine day, Your Honor.” “I can’t say that I am particularly impressed with the beauty 'Of the weather,” rejoined the judge, “but it is a fine day for you. The fine is $10.”