Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 35, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 September 1894 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Curious, and Laughable Phase* of Human Mature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word ArtlsU of Our Own Day —A Budget of Fun. Sprinkle* of Snlee. A Kansas farmer refers to his blooded goat as his bread and butter. For a book agent to sell his own autography is “taking his life in his own hands.”—Richmond Dispatch. “Truly.” said Witticus, when he saw ox-tail soup and tongue on the free-lunch counter, “extremes meat" —Life. The boy who eats all the melons he sees, whether they are green or old, is what we call a painstaking urchin.—Galveston News. “Is Chincher making any money out of politics?” “Not a cent. Says he is perfectly satisfied with what he makes in it.”—Buffalo Courier. HE heard them kissing on the sly And peeked in through the door, And then he cried in accents high. “Say. sister, what’s the score?” —Detroit Free Press. The fellow who kicks an’ squirms tew git a front seat at a circus is the one who takes a back seat in a prayermeeting. “OP Nutmeg’s” Sayings.

“Oh, Mr. Longhead, I just saw Charley Greene "eloping with, your wife.” “Good! Now I’m even with him. He sold me a horse last week.” —Life. After a man passes fifty he should watch himself with great care. Nearly every man does something ruinous after he is fifty.—Atchison Globe. “Have you ever been around the world?” “No, but my arm has.” “What do you mean?” “Well, you are all the world to me. ” —Harlem Life. Judge—“ How old are you, miss?* Elderly female—“l am—l am • Judge—“ Better bqrry up; every moment makes it worse.”—Fliegende Blaetter He—Do you usually take a stick with you when you go climbing on the mountains? she—Oh, yes; would you like to go along to-day.—Yonkers Statesman. Bacon—“ Does Penman make anything out of his writings?” Egbert—“l don’t know. I never could make anything out of them,”—Yonke’s Statesman. Father (visiting at college)—“My son, these are better cigars than I can afford.” Son—“ That’s all right, father; take all you want; this is on me.”—Yale Recora. Tommy—“ Say, paw.” Mr. Figg—“Now, what do you want?” Tommy —“What is the difference between the sea horse and the navy plug?”— Indianapolis Journal. Pat—“Be jabers, yez shot ilaythei wan av thim!” Mike—“ How th’ divil could I, whin th’ report av th’ gun frightened both av thim away?”— Frank Leslie’s Weekly. “Did the new cook bring satisfactory recommendations?” Mrs. De-Style—“N-no-er-yes, she is just what I want; she is too large to wear my dress.—Chicago Inter Ocean.

Angelina (to her new betrothed) —“Oh, Edwin, there's such a goodlooking girl just behind you! Du look!” Edwin —“Ah, I’ve no eyes for good looks now, darling!”—New York Ledger. She —Bixby appears to be quite a bright young man. I hear he acquired enough money by writing to pay for bis education at college. He—Yes; writing home to his parents.—Arkansaw Traveler.

He would have confessed, but she waved him in silence. “No,” she said, “I prefer to be kept in the dark." After a moment’s thought he arose and turned the gas yet lower.—Detroit Tribune.

Gwendoline—l’m at a loss to account for the fact that Mr. Crandall has more enemies than any man I know. Seward—l think he must go through life acting the part of a candid friend.—Vogue. Chappie—“What is the armor plate they are talking so much about?" Sappie—“l haven t given the subject much study, but I presume that it is the plate they serve the armor on to the soldiers, don’t you know. ” Doctor—Don’t be alarmed. I was sicker than you area year ago, and with the same trouble. To-day lam well and hearty. Patient (anxiously) —O, Doctor, tell me who was your physician.—Browning’s Illustrated. “And what’s your reason for increasing the servants’ wages, pray?" her friend asked. “Because my husband complained that my dress and (millinery bills equaled the household expenses, and I want to show him (they do not.”—Fliegende Blaetter. Mistress—“ What in the world is the matter with the twins?” Nurse ■ —“Sure, I don’t know; but, from the (way they’ve been frettin’ and cryin’ jail day, it’s my opinion that they’ve frnixed tbeirselves up and can’t tell (which is which.”—Good News. —Dog days, says an exchange, are So called because they fall about the itime of the “heliacal rising of the dog star,” Sirus or Canicula, the latter word meaning “little dog.” It is the heliacal hot weather they bring that makes the dog days uncomfortable.—Picayune. “I never saw any signs of such great meanness in Hobbes.” “You (don’t know him. Why, he gave his wife a life insurance policy executed in her favor as a Christmas present last year, and ever since then he has been practicing a regimen conducive to longevity.”—Chicago Record.