Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 35, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 September 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. And Now They Do Not Speak--Evi-dently ■ True Story--Utilising His Gift- -In Japan, Etc., Etc. AND NOW THEY DO NOT SPEAK. He—Did you know opals were in again? She—No; how do you know? He—At the hop Tuesday an opal pendant was worn by Mrs. Stoutly, suspended by a fine gold chain. She—l shouldn’t have supposed a fine gold chain would hold her. EVIDENTLY A TRUE STORY. “John,” said the wife to herself, as she proceeded to disrobe her husband, who had gone to bed with his boots on, “John told me he had studied for the bar in his youth I can well believe it, for I think he knows every bar in town.”—[New York Press. UTILIZING HIS GIFT. “What became of that boy of yours with the powerful voice, who was to study elocution and prepare himself for the stage?” “Thatproject fell through.” “Has he been able to utilize his gift at all?” “Oh, yes; it got him a position.” “Of what nature?” “He is selling circus lemonade.”— [New York Press. IN JAPAN. Japanese Secretary—You say you want to serve us? American—Yes, sire! “And you are from the United StatcA?” “I am, sirel” “And you understand military matters?” “As a book, sire!” “What military service have you seen in America that would make you valuable to us?” “I’m a pension Attorney, sire!” —[Cleveland Plain Dealer.

THE WELCOME VISITOR. She did not love him, she, tho beautiful daughter of a merchant prince. Yet her heart was tender and she knew that to love is to bo happy. He had been coming to the house every day for four years, and she was always glad to see him, and many, many times she had run joyfully to the door to meet him. The human heart knoweth its own mystery. Ho was tho mail carrier and he had a wife and eight children.—[Detroit Free Press. ROMANCE THAT COST. “Marie and George have quarreled, you know. Ho told her one night, that when he was out of town ho always felt as though he would give $lO for just a word with her.” “Well?” “And so the next time he did leave town she put him to the test by calling him up on a long-distanco telephone and making him pay tho bill.”—[Chicago Record. THE ONLY THING NEEDED. Six-year-old Alice, traveling on tho cars, regarded a fat lady near her so long and so earnestly that the lady remarked pleasantly, at last: “Well, my dear, what do you think of me?” “I think,” replied Alice, “that you would be atyery nice-looking lady if you could only be slimmed a little.” —{Youth's Companion. HIS OBJECTION. “How do you like the young woman from Boston?” asked the young man’s sister. “Oh, very well. Only she uses such big words. I gave her a flower and she wouldn’t call It by anything but Its scientific name.” ‘ ‘But you always liked botany.” - “It wasn’t her botany I objected to. It was her haughty-culture.”— [Washington Star. TO HE CONGRATULATED. Teacher—For what were the ancient Romans remarkable? Dick Hicks They understood Latin. ON WITH THE BALL. Arizona Pete—l should like very much to go to the dance with you, but, you see, I didn’t come dressed for it. Fewclothes Never mind that, partner, I can let you have a couple of guns. IT WAS HER FAULT. A little boy, after helping himself several times to water, finally upset the glass, upon which his mother exclaimed impatiently: “My son, I knew you were going to do that.” “Well, mother, if you had only told me in time I would not have done it,” said the boy.—[Philadelphia Times.

A HOT WEATHER WISH. Oh, for a lodge in a wilderness Of icebergs, ten miles high, And snow so deep that a man could sleep On top of it next to the sky. Oh, for a pelar sea in town, Where a man could swim all day And sleep at night in the moon’s pale light On an ice floe in the bay. Oh, for a sea of lemonade, Ice cold, which he might quaff; Oh, for a cold-cold-cold-wave flag, And the North Pole for a staff. —[Detroit Free Press. THE DIFFERENCE. The difference between large ships And fanners, you’ll allow. Is this: The large ship plows the sea, While farmers seize the plow. A MATTER OF QUESTION. Maid—Please, ma’am, I’d like to give you a week’s notice. Mistress—Why, Mary, this is a surprise. Do you hope to better yourself? Maid (blushing)—Well, not exactly that, ma’am. I’m going to get married.—[Truth. THE WRETCH. Fogg pretends to have made the discovery that “better half,” referring to one’s wife, was originally written “bitter half.” That means something, he says. The wretch.— (Boston Transcript. 1

A BORN GALLANT. >1 Detroit home has among its lares et penates a small boy who will be a Chesterfield in point of manners at least, if given half a chance. Ha baa a great admiration for hi* and yet there are times when aba is compelled to punish him. Such a thing occurred the other day. “Now,” said she. after she had concluded a vigorous spanking for willfulness, “I hope you have changed your mind.” “No, mamma,” he sobbed. “I always said I’d rather be spanked by you than kissed by any other lady in town, and I think so yet.”— [Detroit Free Press. AN EXTRAORDINARY WOMAN. The Friend—Have yoa seen yoar husband’s mother yet? The Bride—l have, and she is the most extraordinary woman I ever heard of. The F.—How is that* The B.—Why, she thinks me good enough for her son.— [New York Press. MURDERING HIM. A local band was one day playing at Dunfermline, when tin old weaver came up and asked the bandmaster what that was they were playing. “That is ‘The Death of Nelson,* **■ solemnly replied the bandmaster. “Ay, man,” remarked the weaver, “ye hae glen him an awfu’ death.”[Dundee News. ANGULAR. Clara—You want to be careful, dear, when you have on your new wrap, not to lean your shoulder against anything. Maude—Why? Clara—You might mako a hole in it.—[Philadelphia Life.

CELTIC PHILOSOPHY. Brannigan—There’s another wano* them rich banker fellers, as has just lost two million dollars in wan day. McManus—Begob, an’ its better than if it happened to a poor workin' mon.—[Truth. CAREFUL HORACK. The stately steamer ploughed it* way through the blue waves of 1-ake Michigan: “Oh, Horace!” moaned the young bride, who a moment before had paced the deck with smiling face and love-lit eye, the happiest of the happy? “I feel so queer! I«et me lean on your shoulder.” "No, dearest, don’t do that!” exclaimed Horace, hastily; “loan over tho side of the steamer.”— [Chicago Tribune. EASILY EXPLAINED. Henderson—Why did they turn Skinner out of the church? Williamson—He sold the pastor a horse.—[Life. THE PLACE TO FIND IT. “America has no standing army, I believe,” said the foreigner. “It’s clear you haven’t spent much time in the street cars of thia great country,” replied the native. — [Truth. TRULY PENITENT. The Judge—l should think you would be sorry for having so far forgotten yourself as to throw a plate at your wife. The Prisoner (penitently)—l ain, your honor; that plate cost tea cents.—[Buffalo Courier. NAMING HER POISON. “If you were about to commit suicide,” said the pale, mournful girl, “what poison would you select?” “I would select tyrotoxicon, a poison which I understand is obtainable only in ice cream,” replied the girl to whom life is a pleasure.— [New. York Sun. IN THE PROFESSIONAL SLANG.

The Sarcastic Barnstormers (lifter the bombardment from the gallery) —I have eggs enough now, thank you. Will no one send up an accompanying ham? The Gallery (with emphasis)— lt’s on the stage now. - [Chicago Record. THE RETORT COURTEOUS. She—But how can you think I’m pretty, when my nose turns up so dreadfully? Me—Well, all I have to say is, that It shows mighty poor taste in backing away from such a lovely mouth. —[Philadelphia Life. UNLESS THEY ARE WATCHED. “Your city seems to be pretty well' cut up by electric railways,” said the visitor. “It is,” responded the resident. “And so are the citizens.”— [Chicago Inter-Ocean. TO AVOID CONFUSION. He was quite frantic by this time. He would have knelt on the wet sands at her feet had he possessed a change of trousers. “I give you my heort,” he cried. She smiled pleasantly. “Would you like it checked?” she asked. “Hearts are so much alike,, you know.” 11 seemed to him that he must die, but he did not. He was spared for other things.— [Detroit Tribune.