Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 29, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 August 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Dissipation--Kitchen Mystery Solved --The Increase of Wisdom.-The Worm had Turned--Etc. Etc. DISSIPATION. “I don’t knowwhat I’m going to do about my husband,” said the owl, with a sob. “What’s the matter?” asked the sympathetic nightingale. “His habits are getting something dreadful. This is the second time this week that he lias been up all day.” KITCHEN MYSTERY SOLVED. Mrs. Nuwed—Bridget, why do my dishes disappear so rapidly? Bridget—Shure, ma’am, its hekase they’re breakfast dishes, I’m afther thinkin’.—[Truth. THE INCREASE OF WISDOM. It is not until a man reaches thirty that he begins to wrap the Stnall bills on the outside of his roll. —[Texas Siftings. THE WORM HAD TURNED. “Have you been reading about the storm on the face of the sun?” asked the landlady of the meek boarder as she put the cream out. of his reach. “No’m. I’ve all 1 can do to watch the storms on the face of the daughter,” he responded sadly.—[Detroit Free Press. CONSCIENTIOUS. The Victim—How many times am I going to marry ? The Sibyl—Only eight times, madam. I would like to make it more but I must go by the cards- — [Truth. CATCHING HIS MOTHER. Lattle Clarence Callipers—Mammh, what is the best thing for a boy to do when he wears his trousers out? - Mrs. Callipers—Get a new pair, I suppose. v Clarence—No, mamma; wear'them home again. WHY HE STOLE A KISS FROM HER. She (shyly)—Do you believe that stolen kisses are sweetest? He—-I don’t know; I never stole one. She—Well, the first time you steal one, let me know. He—Ah, but where shall I steal one? She (with a far away look in her eyes)—Oh, I don’t know. I dare say there are plenty of chances, and when you see one you should at once take advantage of it.—[New York Press. THE VALUE OF A COLLEGE EDUCATION. “Dearest,” said she, “suppose a bull should attack us as we are crossing this pasture what would you do?” “That’s an awful queer question, Mabel. You forget I was the greatest sprinter Yale qver had.”—| Adams Freeman. LASTED A LONG TIME. Willis —When my wife makes me a present it is sure to be sdmething that will last. Wallace —My wife is just like her. Five years ago she made me a present of one hundred cigars, and I have ninety-nine of them yet.—[Life.

EXPENSE. His hair rippled away from his brow and the true poetic fire shone in his eyes, although he was as yet head salesman in a shoe store. “Sir,” he exclaimed dramatically, “dear as your daughter is to me now, I feel that she will be yet dearer.” The old man gazed upon his son-in-, law in pity. “My boy,” he rejoined, “I should hasten to cackle. You just wait until her trousseau is worn out. Dear? Well, rather? The youth stood transfixed in a hypnosis of horror. —[Detroit Tribune. LEATHER THEN. Dealer—“ You say you used to be in the shoe business. Whac do you think of these?” Customer (looking at the sample) —“I can’t say. You see, they only made shoes out of leather in my time.—[Boot and Shoe Recorder. HONORED AND SLIGHTED. t She wore his flowers, did the maiden gay, That had cost him dollars ten; She wore his flowers, but, alackaday, She danced with other men.—[New York Press. INTENTIONS. “Dora,” said her mother to the summer girl, “isn’t that young Mr. Smithers getting very pronounced in his attentions!” “Oh, that’s all right, mamma,” said Dora. “He doesn’t mean anything. We’re engaged.”—[Chicago Record. BOTH IN THE CAT FAMILY. “What kind of vessel is that?” asked the young lady, pointing to a passing craft. “That is a catboat,” replied the person interrogated. “How funny!” exclaimed the artless maiden. “And I suppose,” she added, “the little one behind it is a kitten boat.” HE BECAME UNEASY. Prof. Stone—To the geologist a thousand years or so are not counted as anything at all. Man in the Audience—Great Scott 1 And to think that I made a temporary loan of $lO to a man who holds such views! —[Indianapolis Journal. A HABIT. Maude —You’d better be on the lookout for a proposal from Charley Doodley. Ellen —Why? Has he expressed his affection for me? Maude—No, but he proposed to me last night and I refused him.—[Chicago Record. THE FATE HE ESCAPED. Henpeck- (looking up from his newspaper, to his wife) —Here’s a man who escaped a pitiful fate. (Reading) ’ “'NVbile on hi* way to Gfeville last evening. Hiram Green’s

horse ran away, throwing Green from the wagon and breaking his neck.” Mrs. Henpeck —And you call that escaping a pitiful fate? Hen peek—Yes. (Reading) “Green was on his way to Geeville to be married. —[Browning’s Monthly. THEY HAD MET. Judge (sternly)—Your face is very familiar. Have you been in this court before? Prisoner —No, sir; but I’m a bar- j tender at the Farandon Hotel.—[Life HIS EXACT WORDS. Jess—What did papa say when you j asked him? Jack—Not much. Jess—But what was it? Jack—Just that, “Not much.” BRIGHT BOY. “Johnny.” said a teacher in one of the up-town public schools, “have you seen the skeleton of the mammoth in the Museum of Natural History?” “Yes, mum.” “To what kind of an animal doe 9 it belong?” “A dead one.”—(Texas Siftings. WASN’T AS STOUT AS BEFORE. Meandering Moses—Are them the same clothes you had on last week? Itinerant Ike —Yes. M. M. —They don’t seem to fit you as well as they did. They hang more loose. I. I.—l’ve had a bath since' then. —[New York Press. A LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING. Teacher—What is the difference between a long ton and a short ton? Observing Boy—The weight of the driver.—[Good News. A RI SE THAT FAILED. lie—Do dreams go by contraries? She—They do. He—Always? She—Always. He —Then I dreamed last night that I proposed to you and you said “No.” She—Then, to show you that dreams go by contraries, if you were to propose to me now I would not say “No-”. He—You wouldn’t? She—l wouldn’t. he a sister to you.” HIS HAPPY MOMENT. New arrival (to Subdued Looking Man an the hotel office) —You are the clerk of this hotel, I suppose, sir? Subdued Looking Man—Oh, you flatter me, sir! lam only the proprietor 1 NOT NOTICEABLE. Miss Summit—l don’t think I eyer saw you looking so well. Miss Palisade—Really? Miss Summit—Yes, indeed. I was remarking to your mother yesterday that I didn’t think you had faded a bit in the last ten years.—[New York Herald.

NOT ALWAYS A DRAWBACK. “Isn’t it a nuisance to have a treacherous memory?” “Not always. Some days ago my wife told me not to forget to call the veterinary physician for her poodle or it would die. I forgot.”—[Chicago Record. ABSENT-MINDED. Miss Wouldbe—By the way, have you seen Mr. Dropoff of late? Arthur Duncan—About two days ago. Miss Wouldbe—Well,if you see him again, would you kindly remind him of the fact that we are engaged?— [Ledger. NOT LOADED. “Krupo’s is the biggest cannon ever isn’t it?” “Yes, ar.d the earth is the largest revolver.” AN ASTUTE SALESMAN. “Got any cow bells?” asked a Texas farmer, stepping into a hardware store in Dallas. “Yes; step this way.” “Those are too small. Haven’t you any larger?” asked the farmer, after he had inspected some small cow bells. “No sir all tho largest one are sold.” Rusticus started off and got as far as the door, when the clerk called after him: “Look here, stranger, take one of these bells for your cow, and you won’t have half the trouble in finding her, for when you hear her bell you will always know she can’t be far off. If you were to buy a big bell that can be heard a long distance, you would have to walk yourself to death finding the cow.” The farmer bought the bell.— [Texas Siftings.