Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 27, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 July 1894 — OUB BUDGET OF FUN. [ARTICLE]

OUB BUDGET OF FUN.

HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DOINGS HERE AND THERE. JokM and Jokelete that An Supposed to Bare Been Recently Born—Saying* aad Doings that An Odd, Curious, and laughable—The Week’s Humor. Let Us All Laa-h. The more people try to put down liquor the more It seems to go to the head. —Yonkers Statesman. Police Justice —“What’s your business?” Culprit “Machinist.” Police Justice—“ What precißCt?” Town Topics. People who thrust their private sosrow upon the world by using mourning envelopes should be arrested for blackmail.—Siftings. People who go to grand hotels have much to put up with; and they, who ride in crowded street cars Ware! to stand a great deal.—Picayune. Isn t it about time to answer that letter of Uncle John’s from SqueeDteecute Corners that he wrote you last December?—Philadelphia Call. This marrying of rich American heiresses by foreign noblemen has a kind of longing for the dollar of the daddies in it.—Philadelphia Times. Hub —“I hear they are going to call his royal niblets Gotham, Jr.” Cub—“ How’s that?” Hub—“ Because he’s another new York.”—Boston Herald. Husband (very late from the club) —Hum! I told you not to sit up for me. Wife (sweetly)—l didn’t. I got up to see the sun rise.—New York Weekly.

“We have caught our defaulting book-keeper,” said one merchant to another. “Then he is now a spotted adder,” replied the latter.—Pittsburg Chronicle. Guide —Now, you will have to be ‘ careful; many a tourist has broken his neck at this spot. Gent (to his wife) —Augusta, you go first.—Spare Moments. Mrs. Powell —l have such an indulgent husband! Mrs. Qinieron j (spitefully)—Yes, so Justin tells me; | but he sometimes indulges too much, ; doesn’t he? —Fun. Teacher “Detine ‘unsophisticated.’ ” Bright Boy—“ ‘Unsophisticated’ means a boy wot thinks circus season raises the price of lemons.”— Street and Smith’s. Jilson says he thinks a good many women are demanding the ballot with the idea that they are going to get curl-papers at the expense of the State.—Buffalo Courier. The first thing a man does when he finds that a counterfeit dollar has | been passed on him is to study out something to spend it for immediately.—Arkansaw Traveler. Effie (to auntie, who has been reading aloud stories from the Old Testament) —“Yes, auntie, its a very nice book, but I think it’s more fit for boys.”—Pall Mall Gazette. “How,” writes a distracted parent to this office, “shall I convince my daughter that the young man she goes with is a worthless rake?” Have her marry him.—Atchison Globe. “This seems to be a genuine case of buoyant spirits,” remarked the wrecker, as he hauled in the basket of champaign which had floated to shore from the sinking ship.—Buffalo Courier.

“What does a Welsh rarebit look like?” “On a plate it is a symphony In A gold, but when you are asleep it Is a five-eyed elephant with eight feet, all planted on your chest.”— Tid-Bits. Trash* (entering taxidermist’s) — “Do you stuff all kinds of animals here?” Taxidermist—“ Why, yes.” Tramp—“ Well, I wish you would stuff mo with a good dinner.”—Harper’s Bazar. Little Ethel— “l wish I had a new doll.” Mamma—“YQur old doll is as good as ever.” Little Ethel—- “ Well, I’m just as good as ever, too, but the angels gave you a new baby.” —Good News. “I’ve got a cold or something in my ’ead,” was what the simple little chappie said. The summer girl, with roguishness demure, replied: “Oh, it must be a cold, I’m sure.”— Boston Journal. Mrs. Caudle (In the dead of night) —“John, I’m sure there’s a burglar at the front door!” Mr. Caudle (sleepily)—“That’s all right; he can’t get in. You know the latch-key’s In my own pocket!”—Truth. “Wiiat is the cause of the commotion in the house across the wav?” “The son of the old gold-bug that lives there has swallowed a 10-cent Bilver piece and the old man is nearly wild about it.”—Judge. Tue free and unlimited coinage of silver into ice cream and soda water at the ratio of sixteen girls to one man seems to be the popular policy in this town about two hours after dinner.—Washington News. Evelyn— “Do you think Mr. Blake could be so base as to propose to mo for the sake of my money?” Phyllis —“Heaven only knows. It is incredible what necessity will sometimes drive men to do.”—Brooklyn Life. We have noticed that though all husbands insist it will be all right to take a friend up to dinner without letting their wives know in advance, they grow mighty absent-minded when nearing the house.—Atchison Globe. A little fellow had been seriously lectured by nis mother and finally sent into the garden to find a switch with which be was to be, punished. He returned soon and said: “I could not find a switch, mamma, but hero’s a stone you can throw at me.”—Boston Gazette.