Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 24, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 June 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. I««he Anarchist Club*-Not for Pt»b~ Oeatlcn - - Wh*n Skillfully Dons- - The Right Man, Etc., Etc. IS THE AXABCHIBT CLUB. Inner Guard (to Head Center>— You ordered beers for every man in the room? Head Center—Yes. Inner Guard—Well, there’s a little red-headed man who 6ays he never drinks beer. Head Center—Confusion, we aye discovered!—[Pearson's Weekly. SOT TOE PUBLICATION. Suspicious Mamma—Ethel, what detained you so long at the door just now when Mr. Spoonamore went away? Ethel (smoothing her rumpled hair) Nothing to speak of, maratna. —[Chicago Tribune. WHEN SKILLFULLY DONE. Sympathizing Friend—lt must give one a queer feeling to have one’s pocket picked. Victim—You don’t feel it at all. That’s the misery of it.—[Chicago Tribune. THE EIGHT MAN. Clara—l wish I knew of a good dentist. Maude—l can recommend you to one, dear. They say he makes splendid false teeth. PROFESSIONAL INSTINCT. She was engaged in conducting a department for a magazine, and her mind was very much with her work. “Did you receive my letter?” he asked. “Yes.” “The one asking you to be mine?” “Yes.” “Then,” he said almost fiercely, “why did you not answer it?” “Why, William,” and there was both surprise and reproach in her voice, “you know you forgot to send stamps for reply.” [Washington Star.

SCARCITY OF SILVER. Guest (facetiously)—:-There are two spoons in my teacup. What is that a sign of? Hostess’s Little Son—That’s a sign that somebody else hasn’t got any spoon.—[Good News. A GRIEVANCE. “I’d like to know what ails these spectacles!” grumbled Mr. Skinnphlint. “I’ve always taken the very best care of them, but they’ve begun to fail me. I can’t see through them well any more.” “Why don’t you take them back to the man you bought them of?” asked Mrs. Skinnphlint. “I would if I could,” he rejoined savagely, “but he died fourteen years ago*”—[Chicago Tribune.

TRIALS OF GRADUATING. Uncle George (sympathetically)— So you are getting ready to graduate, Hettie, and I suppose you are full of work. Hettie—lndeed I ami The dressmaker is here every day, and it really seems as though it were nothing but trying on from morning till night. [Boston Transcript. AN OLD ONE. “Talk of killing that elephant in Central Park reminds me of a baby that was fed on elephant’s milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.” “Goodness gracious 1 Whose baby was it? ” “The elephant’s.”—[Hallo. apparently all hump. The cyclist with an ambition to be mistaken for a racing man rode up to a wayside watering trough, steadied himself by putting one foot on it and called out to the farmer on the other side of the fence: ‘ ‘Can you tell me how far it is to the next town?” “ I can’t tell which way you’re travelin’, ” replied the farmer, “unless you raise your head so’s I can see where it’s fastened on. I’m a leetle near sighted.”—[Chicago Tribune.

PRICELESS. Her eyes, like purest diamonds, sparkle full of light; Like rubies were her lips; her teeth like pearl. I think you’ll all admit that I am in the right When I contend she was a jewel of a girl.—[New York World. ONE OF THE EXCEPTIONS. Hungry Higgins—See this here sign in the winder? Weary Watkins—Of, course, “Bathing suits.” Hungry Higgins—l jist wish to remark, comrade, that it don’t suit me.—[lndianapolis Journal.

STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. Cholly—Have a stick of chewing gum, ole chappie? Fweddie —Naw, thanks. My physician says I have got to quit my blawsted dissipating.—[Chicago Tribune. HE LOOKED SO. “Dobson claims to be a self-made man.”, ‘‘He looks like an amateur job.” A MODERN MATCH. Employer—Want to marry my daughter, eh? And next, I suppose, you’ll want your salary raised so that you can support her! Employee--Oh, no, sir! I shall expect you to support us both[Kate Field’s Washington. AN ANALOGY. “Doesn’t It seem a pity to cut these roses from their stems just to decorate a room ? They only wither and die.” "Well, they'll wither and die anyhow ; and for my part, I hope that when I wither and die it will be aftet having been plucked from the parent to decorate a household.”—[Harper’s Magazine. SHORT METRE. Say, Swoller—Why is one o’ your arms so much shorter than the other —Hu? Swoller—l uster be a short-hand writer.—[Puck. \,

VERY TT3HT. “Money's awfully tight, isn’t It?” “Yes; I haven’t even any loose change. ” ' THE BUBBTANCE OF IT. Judge Guffey—What passed between yourself and the complainant ? ” O’Brien—l think, sor, a half-dozen bricks and a piece of pavin’ stone.— [Raymond’s Monthly. DIE WAY GIRLS DO. Harry—Has Mabel’s engagement been announced yet? Ethel—No; but she blushes furiously every time his name is mentioned and says she just hates him.— [New York World. EVEN WITH HER. “Is this the smoking car?” she asked in choice Bostonese, as she peered through her girlish spectacles into the uncultured conductor’s face. “No, miss,he answered, with a glad, joyous feeling that for once he was getting even with a woman; “it is not.” She disappeared into the interior of the car, but in a few moments came out livid with rage. “You—told—me,” she said in icy tones, “that it was not a smoking car.” “It is not, miss. None of our cars smoke. It is the smoker’s car.”— [Detroit Free Press.

KNOW THYSELF. Teacher—You have named all domestic animals save one. It has bristly hair, is filthy, likes dirt, and is fond of mud. Well, Tom? Tom (shamefacedly)—That’s me! HE TALKED TOO MUCH. Mrs. Meekers (during the spat)— And why don’t you explain what kept you so late last night? Mr. Meekers—l will, but— Mrs. Meekers (sobbing(—You won’t, oh, you know you won’t. You’re cruel. Mr. Meekers—Now, Emily— Mrs. Meekers—And [sob] you treat me terribly, and I wish we’d never been married— Mr. Meekers—Emily, I want— Mrs. Meekers—There you go again, evading my question, as though I had no rights at— Mr. Meekers—l want to say— Mrs. Meekers—And talking so I can never got a word [sob] in edgewise. [Dissaves into a flood of tears.]— [Chicago Record. MAKING SURE. Waiter—l expect you to pay in advance. Guest—What do you mean, sir? Waiter—No offense, sir, whatever; but the last gentleman who ate mack- • erel here got a bone in his throat and died without paying, and the guv’nor took it out of my wages.—[Spare Moments.

A MODERN IKE. Now doth the would-be fisherman Begin his yearly wishing; While night and day we hear him say He’d like to go a-fishing. At night he looks his tackle o’er, Caresses reel and rod, Then lays them by, and with a sigh Goes out and buys a cod. —[Boston Courier. ’T 18 SAD, BUT TRUE. Johnny—l tell you, my mother is just lightning when she gets after you with a slipper. Tommy—Naw; you’re off! Lightning never strikes twice in the same place.—(Puck. ALREADY THAT WAY. Tom—l believe I’m becoming dull. Fred (who means to be comforting) —Nonsense. It’s positively absurd to speak of your becoming so.—[Chicago Record. SMALL CHANGE. Conductor (to lady passenger)— Haven’t you anything smaller than this dollar? The Lady—Why, of course. How stupid of me! Here is a five-dollar gold piece.—[Truth. A PRESENT FROM PAPA. “What did your pa give you for your birthday, Johnny ? ” “He had me hair cut.”—[Hallo. FROM EXPERIENCE. Bingham—There goes a man who has a strong pull ? Wilber—What is he ? A politician? Bingham—No. A barber.—[lnterOcean.