Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 23, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 June 1894 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Carlon*, and Laughable Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artiste at Our Own Day —A Budget of Fun. Sprinkle* of Spice. The sky, unlike man, is most cheerful when bluest—Texas Siftings. Elsie—Oh, uncle, I am so fond of you! Uncle—And why? Elsie—We always have Jam when you take lunch with us.—Fliegende Blaetter. The boy who is continually carrying on in school doesn’t carry off much when the honors are distributed.—Yonkers Statesman. Tompkins—“ Did your new play meet with a warm reception?” Van Clive—“ Well, rather. The critics literally roasted it.”—Harlem Life. Business man—You want a situation as floor walker. Have you ever had any experience? Applicant—l am the father of twins.—Philadelphia Record. Ethel—Was the wedding a very brilliant one? Gladys—Oh, very; they had to employ four detectives to watch the wedding presents.—Somerville Journal. “Old man, I’m engaged to Miss Dashe. bhe’s- a dear girl.” “Yes, she is so. She cost me about SSOO the winter I was engaged to her.”— Brooklyn Life. Should Prof. Garner, in his simian studies, go so far as to get at the monkey literature, a collection of their tales might catch on.—Philadelphia Times. Teacher—Her dress was plain. Can you express that idea in more polite language? Littfe miss (one of the four hundred) —Her gown was ghastly.—Life. Bride of a year (weeping)—You used to say I was sweet enough to eat. Groom of the same period— Yes, and I wish to heaven I had eaten you.—Life. Squildig—“Do you have any difficulty meeting your bills?” McSwllligen—“No, indeed! My great difficulty is in avoiding them.”—Detroit Free Press. “How is Dykins getting on with the farm he bought?” “Pretty well. He tells me he saved money on it last year.” “How?” “Let it to another man.”—Tld-Bits. Seward—“ Were you aware that Noah understood all about electricity?” Baldwin—“No; did he?” Seward—“ Most assuredly; he made the arc light on Ararat.”—Brooklyn Life. “Er faultrflnder,” said Uncle Eben, “gits mo’ int’rest from ’is inves’ment dan any uddah man in de wurl’. He kin stah’t wld nuffin’ an’ hab trouble ter las’ ’im his whole life.”—Washington Star. Editor—l want an article written on “How to Make Poultry Pay.” Contributor—Well, you’d better ask the man who does the fishing stories, then; he’s the best liar on the staff. —Ally Sloper’s. “1 don’t think it right for doctors to charge some patients more than others. ” “Oh, I do; life is worth a great deal more to a man who has a million dollars than it is to me. ” Newport Daily News. “How does Tankins manage to keep up his extravagant mode of living?” “He has credit” “How did he get it?” “By pretending to be worried almost to death over the income tax.”—Washington Star. A lecturer informed the Professional Woman’s League of New York that human life is largely controlled by stars. This is especially true of impresarios and theatrical managers. —Philadelphia Record. Mrs. Ludlow—Marie, are you quite sure that the water is the right temperature for baby’s bath? Marie —Oh, yes; sure I always know, ma’am. If it’s too hot he’ll turn red, and if it’s too cold he’ll turn blue.—Vogue. Miss Bleeker—l’m so interested in our reading club. I wasn’t at first, but I never miss a meeting now. Miss Beacon—What are you reading? Miss Bleeker—Well, we-’re not reading anything at present. We’re making preparations to give a dance.—Puck. Mr. Curio (who is making a first call on the bride, hazards a passing remark to break an awkward pause)— That’s a spirited little picture over there. Mrs. Naivetl—l’m so glad you like it. It was your wedding present to us. Mr. C. (endeavoring to conceal his chagrin)—Mine! Mrs. N.—Yes; we exchanged your Apostle spoon!—Life. “I—l’d like to marry your daughter, sir,” the youth confided to the fair one’s, severe parent. “You—want —to marry—my —daughter!” he thundered. “Young man, will you be good enough to tell me what your prospects in life are?” “Well, they seemed pretty good when I talked with your daughter; but, seeing you. I’ve come to the conclusion that I haven’t any.”—Washington Star. Paying a Compliment. Dibbs (who has been waiting in his friend’s studio) —Ah! here you are at last. Your dog has been paying a good compliment to that bit of scenepainting. I had to drive the little beggar off. Dauber (agreeably surprised)—Whit was he doing? Dibbs —Oh, he mistook that river for real water, and he started lapping it! By the by, what rivet does it represent? Dauber (savagely)—River be hanged! That Isn’t a river, it’s a prairie Are. —Tld-Bits.