Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 20, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 June 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Different Now--The Reporter Didn't Know Women--A Hairy Watch--Romance Gone, Eto., Etc. DIFFERENT NOW. Barlow—Before you were married you were full of theories about managing a wife. How did they turn out, Mcßride? Mcßride—lt’s a condition, and not a theory which confronts me now.— [Judge. THE REPORTER DIDN'T KNOW WOMEN. City Editor—Have you got the report of the ladies’ meeting? Reporter—They voted to exclude reporters. The proceedings are to be kept secret. C. E.—Yes, but why didn’t you wait until the meeting was over and see one of the ladies and get all the particulars from her?—[New York Press. A HAIRY WATCH. “I wish you would see what is the matter with this,” said the customer, handing his watch across the showcase; “it has stopped. Perhaps there’s a hair tangled up in the balance wheel.” The jeweler opened it, screwed his eyeglass into place and made the customary horrible grimace at the helpless watch. “A hair!” he said; “there’s a lock of ’em.” “Well, give it a shampoo.”—[Chicago Tribune. ROMANCE GONE. Hills—Why is it that they always have bachelors respond to the toast “Woman, lovely woman?” Hulls—Married men know better. —[Truth. POSSIBLY A MISTAKE. “Will you kindly pass me the butter?” said a guest at the hotel to a pompous-looking man on the other side. “I’m a gentleman, sir,” he retorted, as he beckoned to the waiter. “That’s what I thought when I asked,” said the first man, quietly. —[Waterbury.

ONE COMFORT. “How does your new girl like it with you?” asked the caller. “She seems to be contented.” “Does she do the work well?” “No; but she doesn’t find fault with the way I do it.”—[Washington Star. NOT MUCH. “They say that Lightleigh Goldwaite is losing his mind.” “Well, he’s lucky if that’s all he’s losing.”—[Detroit Tribune. ABLE PHILOSOPHY. Aunt Maria—Are you sure that Mr. Spooner loves you? Carrie—l guess you would think so to hear the silly things he says,to me. Aunt Maria—But how do you know you love him? Carrie—Because they don’t seem silly to me.—[Boston Transcript. IMPOSSIBLE. Willie Wilt—l am afraid you flatter me, Miss Perte. Miss Perte—Could you be flatter, Mr. Wilt?—[Truth. NOT WHOLLY USELESS. “It is difficult to tell what some men are born for. "There’s young Gotrox, for instance. Of what use is he to his fellow creatures apart from spending the money he inherited? No use whatever. He is simply an encumbrance in the world.” * “Oh, no, sir; not absolutely use--1.6SS *, f “What can he do?” “He can drive a tallyho coach and blow a splendid blast on the horn.” —[New York Press. K. C. B. Pedagogue —Most of the titles possessed by foreigners had their origin in some service for the king. What does “K. C. B.” stand for? Pupil—lt is keeper of the collar button.—[New York Observer. THE OHIO BLANKET BALLOT. Husband —Suppose the Legislature did give you the ballot—what would you do with it? Wife—Make a dress pattern out of it unless the size be changed.—[Cleveland Plain Dealer.

DISGRACED. Our jolly butcher’s shop to pass For shame I scarcely dare, Since my young wife applied, alas, To buy an omelet there! —[New York World. HARD TO UNDERSTAND. “There’s one thing about me that I don’t understand,” said Tommy, thoughtfully, “and that’s why it is making marks on wall paper is such lots of fun, and making ’em in copy books in school is such hard work.” —[Harper’s Young People. OUTWARD AND VISIBLE SIGN. Banks—That real estate man who has an office across the street has just made a sale. Rivers —How do you know? “How do I know? Haven’t you seen him smoking a cob pipe every day for the last six weeks?” “I think I have.” “Well, can’t you see he’s smoking a cigar?”—[Chicago Tribune. WHEN A WOMAN WILL. Mrs. Brown—l see that the “Daughters of the Revolution” refused to admit Mrs. Leightly to membership. Mrs. Jones—Yes; but she intends to organize a rival society. If necessary to make*ilfKsuccess, she’ll start another revolution.—[Puck. FATAL. “ Who is the belle to-night?” asked she, As they stood on the ball-room floor. He looked around the room to sec— And she speaks to him no more. —[Philadelphia Life. HIS WAY OF EARNING MONEY. “And now,” said Dusty Waysides, the tramp, as he came up to the bathhouse cashier’s desk, after taking the bath he had ordered, “how much are you goin’ to pay me?” —[Chicago Record.

TRUTHFUL THOMAS. Tattered Tommy Your cousin, mum, Mrs. Smart, mum, at the other end of town, said as how, if I would apply to you, mum, you would be sure to give me a good meal, mum. Mrs. Easy—And why didn’t Mrs. Smart give you the good meal? Tattered Tommy—She said as how, mum, that you was so much quicker than she to recognize true worth, mum.—[Judge. SISTERLY SARCASM. “Have you a sistah?” said Willie Wishington. “No,” replied his friend. “Then you cannot weilize what it is to be utterahly humiliated. I was telling my sistah lasht night about a young woman I sometimes call upon. I wemahked that she made me feel like a fool.” “And what did your sister say?” “She said I was too self-conscious.” —[Washington Star. NOT TO BE OUTDONE. “May,” said her husband, as they prepared to go out calling, ‘ ‘do you really mean to use those calling cards with your name spelled ‘Mae Kathryne Alys Smith’ ?” “I certainly do,” replied May Catharine Alice Smith. “Very well, then,” said her husband, firmly. “I am with you,” and he presented her with a card neatly inscribed: “Jorje PhrederycAlbyrt Smith.”—[Chicago Record. A MATTER OF UTILITY. “Riches have wings,” said the prudent man. “Of course they have,” replied his improvident friend. “That’s why they’re so useful in helping a man to fly high.” A PITIFUL POSITION. Miss Goodgirl—What are you thinking of so intently? Young Gayboy—Well, if you must know, I was thinking what the result would be, if I should suddenly grab you and kiss you. Miss Goodgirl—Oh, Mr. Gayboy r how terrible for you to have such thoughts, when my brother and father are both out, my mother sick in bed upstairs, and no one in the world who could possibly come to my assistance!—[Philadelphia Life.

ONLY ONE TO LOSE. Young Medical Practitioner—l can truthfully say that I never lost but one patient. Dr. Longyeers (grimly) What have you been doing for a living since he died? —[Chicago News Record. THOUGHTFUL. Young Wife—My dear, there is a gentleman waiting in the other room. He wants to speak to you. He—Do you know him? She —You must forgive me,darling, but of late you have been troubled with a cough, besides you take so little care of yourself and—Oh! if you only knew how anxious I am about you. Suppose I were to lose you, love.” (She bursts into sobbing and throws herself on his breast) He—Come, my dear, silly child, do be calm. People don’t die of a slight cold. Still, if it will pacify you, show the doctor in. Who is it? Dr. Pallot, eh? She—lt isn’t a doctor, dear. It is —it is—it is a life insurance agent! —[Philadelphia Life. WHAT HE WANTS. I would not live alway; I ask not to stay. But still if I’m not Too much in the way I’d just as lief watch A few centuries melt, To realize just How Methuselah felt. A HAPPY FATHER. Said an exasperated Texas father at the dinner table: “You children turn up your noses at everything on the table. When I was a boy I was glad to get enough dry bread to eat.” 1 T say, pa, you are having a much better time of it now you are living with us, ain’t you?” remarked Tommy.—[Texas Siftings. GENEROUS MAN. First Businessman—l understand old Gripem left a lot of money. Did he leave any of it for charitable pur« poses? Second Businessman—Yes; left it all to his children. They are all grown men. First Businessman—But how is that charity? Second Businessman—Keeps some one else from taking care of them.