Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 19, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 May 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Wanted Willia'a Respect-His Favorite Animals--In Desperate Straits ■■No Use For Fire-Light, Etc., Eta. wanted willie’s respect. Father—Bobby, I thought I told you to divide that apple with your little sister. Bobby—Well, I wasn’t going to have Willie Bryan think we had only one apple in the house. his favorite animals. Sunday-School Teacher—Do you love animals? Boy—Yes’m. “That’s right; I’m glad you do. What animals do you like best?” “Snakes.” “Goodness! Why do you like snakes?” “Cause it ain’t wicked to kill ’em.”—[Good News. in desperate straits. Lawyer—What are your assets? Client—About $15,000. Lawyer—What are your liabilities? Client—Only $5,000 and a dressmaker’s bill that hasn’ come in yet. Lawyer—Better assign.—[Hallo. NO USE FOR FIRE-LIGHT. Mrs. Percushing—Henry, I smell fire, I tell you! Mr. Percushing—Well, I can’t find any fire, and I’ve been all over the house. Mrs. Percushing—Well, light the candle and take another look. How could you find it in the dark, you idiot?—[Judge. sized up. Miss Breezy—Oh, what delicious dreams of bonnets they are going to wear this summer 1 And I know just what I want 1 I have it all in my mind now! Miss Curtly—My! Are they so awfully small, then? THE CIRCUS SEASON IS ON. Tommy—Mamma, my teacher says that we should give everybody a show. Should we? Mamma—Why, certainly, Tommy! Tommy—Well—can’t you give me mine this afternoon. Mamma—What do you mean, Tommy? Tommy—Why, the circus is here I A SURE THING. Hotel Proprietor—We don’t allow any games of chance here. Gambler—This is not a game of chance. * My friend here has no chance.—[Brooklyn Life. DIFFERENT NOW. Barlow—Before you werennarried you were full of theories about managing a wife. How did they turn out, Mcßride? Mcßride—lt is a condition and not a theory which confronts me now. —[Judge.

A SERIOUS SMASHUP. Spencer—What is the cause of Ponderly’s illness? I hear he is laid up with nervous prostration. Ferguson—Yes, the result of a mental accident, Spencer—A mental accident! Ferguson—Yes. A collision between two trains of thought. A FUTURE FINANCIER. Mrs. Deßroker—Well, my son, how did you and the boys come out on your peanut speculation ? Small Sbn—When we got through I owed the other boys fifty cents. Mrs. Deßroker—Hum! Small Son—Oh, it’s all right now. We organized. Mrs. Deßroker—Eh? Small Son—Yes. I capitalized at sl, gave the other boys half the stock for their debt, and then sold them the other half. So now they owe me fifty cents.—[Good News. AN OBJECTION. “Are there any more jurymen who have a prejudice against you?” inquired the lawyer. “No sah, de jury am all right, but I want to challenge de Judge.— [Green Bag. THE TENDER HEARTED GIRL#. Miss Passe—lt is my conviction that marriage is a delusion and a failure. Miss Caustique—How comforting it must be to have that conviction, dear.—[Chicago Record.

A PROVERB ILLUSTRATED. “You should see Cholly in hla new suit. He is out of sight.” “Then he illustrates a proverb.” “What proverb?” “Out of sight, out of mind.”[New York Press. THERE TO STAY. “Is anybody waiting on you. madam?” inquired the floor walker. “Yes, sir,” retorted the middleaged matron, fiercely. “I reckon they’re waitin’ to see if I won’t go away without stayin’ for the 17 cents in change that’s a-comin’ to me!”— [Chicago Tribune. WHERE TERROR MAY BE BEEN. “I’ve passed through frightful experiences,” said Jaggers, proudly, “and seen the most thrilling exhibitions of human terror. Once in Africa I saw a couple of tourists overtaken by two enormous and ferocious lions, and once—- “ That’s nothing,” interrupted Staggers. “Were you ever on an elevator with a couple of women when it stopped between floors?”—[Chicago Record. A FOND MOTHER. “Dear me!” cried the nurse, “the baby has swallowed my railroad ticket. What shall I do?” “Go and buy another right away,” returned the mother. “I’m not going to have the baby punched.”—[Harper’s Bazar. TROUBLESOME CHILDREN. Aunty—What a lot of pretty dolls you have. , Little Niece—Yes, aunty, they is zeal pretty, but I do have so much trouble wiz zem. Sometimes I fink they muat> be all boys.—[Toronto Truth.

PIANO. “Bobby is attending to his piano lessons very faithfully of late,” said the youth's uncle. “Yes,” replied his mother. “I don’t have any trouble with him about that now.” “How did you manage it?” “Some of the neighbors complained of the noise his exercises made and I told him about it. Now he thinks it fun to practise.’—(Boston Gazette. CONSOLATION. The young lady at the piano was playing a difficult selection from Wagner. In the midst of it all she suddenly stopped in confusion. “What’s the matter?” inquired one of the company. “I struck a false note,” she replied. “Well, what of it?” said another. “Nobody but Wagner would ever know it, and he’s dead. Go ahead with the music.” And she went ahead.—[Chicago Tribune. A CONVERSATIONAL DIFFICULTY. “Don’t you like Professor Thinkins !” asked one girl. “Oh, dear, no!” replied the other girl. “He’s so fatiguing.” “He has the reputation of being very brainy.” “That’s just the trouble. When he talks you have to listen to what he is saying, or you can’t reply to his remarks.”—[Washington Star. WAS APT TO EXAGGERATE. Smith—Hopkins told me that his wife had been run over by a coach and seriously injured. Jones—You can’t believe what Hopkins says, he is such a braggart. I’ll bet it was only a delivery wagon. —[Texas Siftings.

A QUEER EXCUSE. “See here, Postman, my name, Hoffman, has two f’s, and yet you are continually bringing me letters addressed to some Hofman with only one f.” “That only happens on Saturday nights, sir. You see, I and a few friends have a little party every Saturday evening, and, of course, when I deliver the last mail I’m apt to see double.—[Fliegende Blatter. MAKES A DIFFERENCE. Harry—And, dearest, do you think of me all daylong? Dearest—l did; Harry; but the days are getting longer now, and of course—well, you know that must make some difference.—[Pearson’s Weekly. A MISUNDERSTANDING. Servant—Mr. Greatman is at home, gentlemen. I am to show you up. Mr. Tim McDoolan, (one of the rising politicians of the ward)—Ye are, hey? By jarge, if that’s his game, we’ll take a hand! We can show him up a thunderin’ sight worse’n you can shew us up 1 [Exit, slamming the door.] —[Chicago Tribune. EVERY CLUBWOMAN WANTS AN OFFICE. Mr. Sarcas (reading the prospectus of the Ladies’ Mental Improvement Club, to which his wife belongs)— Twenty Vice-Presidents? Why, you’ve only got a membership of twenty-three I Mrs. Sarcas—Yes; but, you see, there weren’t enough of the other offices to go around.—[Chicago Record. DOING HER DUTY. I saw her at the village pump, Beside the broken wall; I heard the handle creak and thump, I saw the water fall. She placed the pail upon her head, And as she passed me by, ‘‘l’ve just been milking, sir,” she said, And winked the other eye. -[Pick-Me-Up. HER FAVORITE FLOWER. He asked her fav’rite flower; Her tastes he quite forgot, And thought in that sweet hour She’d say: “Forget-me-not.” He asked her fav’rite flower»Ah! sad the story told; A maid without a dower, She answered: “Mari-gold " —[Puck. RISKING A GUESS. Teacher—ln which of his battles was Gen. Custer killed? Numskull (after reflection) —I believe it was in his last.—[Brooklyn Life.